Uncomfortable Conversations, No Rest For The Wicked
It’s scary to be put in a position to hear your own thoughts. Never know what’s gonna come up.
The last night in Switzerland the homies was smoking, talking, reflecting and having a good time. Honestly i can’t remember the last time i laughed that hard. This entire trip was full great laughs, jokes and smiles. I made a comment: “man it’s too quiet out here. It makes me nervous.” The homie Omed who hosted me and my friend Joey, said why? I said “well Im not used to it.”
My 3rd day on the road in Switzerland, I was walking through Lucerne. A beautiful city with a huge lake and just so happened to have a mini festival. As me, Joey and Omed walked off the train I glanced on Instagram and see there was a shooting by my house in Los Angeles. People frequently ask me what’s it’s like to be from LA. The culture. The people. The food. As I am definitely proud to be an Angeleno for being part of a huge resistance against the Trump administration and the ridiculousness that’s going on politically, socially it’s disappointing and odd for me in my experience. It maybe just a character thing and the people I’m running into.
My second to last day, I linked up with someone I met on my second Switzerland trip January 2024. She brought her friend along. We talked politics, art, life, love and family. Her Dad passed away as a child. Doesn’t have a strong connection with her mother and dealt with the passing of a grandparent recently. My heart goes out to her and her family. Damn near brought me to tears. Also just like 99 percent of the conversations I had with everyone in Switzerland it was refreshing. I asked her: “Is it Swiss culture to just go deep with people? Back at home it doesn’t feel like that’s the case. People aren’t as friendly or open to have conversations about these things.” Her and her friend was just like: “I think it’s a character thing, but you will find people out here heavily are involved or talking about politics.” As we continue to talk I realized even more I need to put myself in spaces where these conversations can be had, but not in a way it’s tense. More causal. It’s tough to do that back home due to the political climate and understandably so.
Just days prior, Omed, talked about his want and need for a quiet life. How he’s been able to maintain it. It made me think of who and what has been standing in the way of my goals. Who’s been supportive and who hasn’t been. Who and what’s there solely for the drama surrounding my life and once again viewing my real life situations as entertainment. This is where I view this trip to Switzerland as the most life changing. The soul crushing acknowledgment that not everyone is really pro-Chris. Those aren’t pro-Chris are truthfully against me and they need to be removed immediately. I have a lot of work to do after a couple days of rest at home. I feel the removal of these individuals life will dramatically change for the better. Prior to this realization I already started becoming more comfortable with sharing my story in certain spaces and not let anyone punk me into thinking what I been experiencing isn’t real.
Going back to that shooting in Los Angeles while I was in Lucerne real quick, literally fans, supporters and friends in Switzerland reached out to me saying “hey is your family and folks safe? Everything okay? Let us know!” Hell, even the little homie, in Switzerland told me “I been watching your reels on grief. It really touched me in thinking about my grandfather’s passing.” That honestly really fucked me up. Here I was thinking, the people in real life outside of the internet aren’t all that supportive or really care about the shit that’s going on in my world. It just sucks that the hard truth, once again, it’s the people I’m around or allow in my orbit.
This trip made me realize I’m so heavily invested in the lively hood of people around me and what they wanna do. It’s like “how can I be of service to my community? I love my community and friends so much.” It’s to the point of my own downfall. I hate that so much but it’s the truth. I often feel a bit empty. I often give excuses for others. I often put myself in a state of denial. I can’t do this shit anymore. I want/need to progress forward. It really does hurt. I remember I produced for so many artists to help jump start careers, and turn around to get disrespected. Catching up with old friends unfortunately becomes “oh what’s the latest tea” or drama in your love life after spending many months attempting to empower and help push through difficult times. Community spaces, (I’ll never back down from this statement and know some get offended) are full of shit and aren’t really about what they portray. At this point I can only say there’s only 3 I know of, that truthfully carries out their respective missions.
It’s a severe must I get back to basics in regard to Chris’s needs. My friends told me that I take care of others so much, I don’t let anyone take care of me. That I need someone to take care of me. Not in aspect of babying me, but really being there. Needing to learn how to receive and no one currently maybe equipped to do that. I need to know how do I get back to being heavily invested in me. I don’t mean just rap and hip hop or art, but my own life. Getting my health together on all fronts. Get my side hustles in order to fund my career. To build a team in the respective fields and areas needed. I told Joey, “it’s not a secret I have abandonment issues, but I really need to change my behavior” as we wait in the terminal for the flight back home. She said “the abandonment problems definitely explains why you cling to people that aren’t good for you in my opinion. What sparked the abandonment problems?”
I honestly don’t know. I suspect it might be me having the same group of friends from middle school, high school, college and a bit into adulthood. I didn’t really have different groups like that. Maybe a couple but that’s it. Some that know me and reading this may think “oh I thought he was pretty popular and well-known around insert city and area here” Issue is a lot of those relationships are surface level. We may have had a common interest being music, activism, poetry etc., but as far as being in my world, they aren’t. Some of that responsibility in that time can definitely land on me not being more open or keeping a distance out of fear of getting close to people. However, that same group I was around, was also my music group at the time. We were always around each other.
As an individual I was always working on stuff for the group being heavily invested in the interests for everyone collectively. Not as invested for my own things. I didn’t want the group to break up and I felt I was going to lose my friends. I kinda felt abandoned. I always felt like the third wheel. Honestly I still do, but it is what it is, and nothing is going to convince me that those guys aren’t my brothers. None of what I’m saying is a shot or disrespect or anything. I just digging up things for myself and try to understand why I am, the way I am. I can’t fake that the connection of feeling like a third wheel and emotionally distant doesn’t hurt.
The third wheel feelings transferred to other connections I have with people and spaces. It’s like I’m there, but not at the same time. I feel like this at Sunday Jump. I feel like this at Tuesday Night Cafe. I feel like this at the Radio Station I work for. I feel like this in some music spaces. There's another space i would name, but they ain't worth it. Maybe this is why I’m like “why the fuck am I here? Do these people even care? Why am I giving so much to a bunch of people that don’t give a fuck about me?”
As someone from the distant past pointed out: “oh well a lot of people come to your shows.” 1) not a lot of people that are close to me come out. 2) a percentage of those people come out to get tea on the situation and that alone. I’m referring to the Silhouettes Of Scarlet shows. The new supporters and fans I love you. The old supporters since day one I love you too. I’m talking about people that again, view my drama as purely entertainment. I understand I’m in the entertainment business, but that’s not the type of thing I aim to do.
Going back to my connection with other spaces: I told a friend the REAL reason why I’m not coming around anymore. Now there’s a couple things I find fucked up about this situation (nothing against this person in particular), but about a year ago I sent a voice message to someone I was close to, before I realized I was sexually assaulted, basically pouring my heart out. About how it hurt that they chosen to still hang with someone that was abusive to me several ways. Being dismissive about how my abuser raped another man before me. This person never replied. I gave them about two weeks to a month to reply and I gave up. Historically they are extremely conflict avoidant. Which why I sent a small text warning that the voice message is heavy. So they’ll know before listening. In addition to that, I was extremely careful with my tone and language in the voice message itself. I even said I am open to having a conversations. Transparent about how I am scared to talk but I know it’s necessary. However I got nothing. After realizing i wasn’t going to get a message back I blocked them everywhere. I messaged someone in that friend group I won’t be coming around anymore on the basis of work addiction. I didn’t tell the full truth. One year later, I told the truth. A weight lifted, at the same time the reality of people aren’t really for you sank in more.
Especially with the Cornell university situation. When we talk about sexual assault survivors the attention and care most definitely need to be shed on women. Especially black women and black trans women. I just find it strange and odd the same people that are up in arms about the disgusting shit those punk ass college did back in 2024, are the same people that failed to acknowledge my story. Sexual assault is sexual assault, there’s no way around it. Wrong is wrong. Lack of consent is lack of consent. Proves to me more how people are selective of their outrage. Just like the punk ass niggas in these community spaces. For those reading I will warn you- pay attention to your leaders. Pay attention to the precautions they take to “improve” their community. If they’ll even do it. Peep the maintenance. How are they handling situations? How are they keeping the community safe? Whats the ground rules for the space?
I will share one thing most don’t know I been keeping close to the heart, even more as to why I’m upset in regard to my situation: there are people that actively know I was assaulted and know that men in past were sexually assaulted and raped by my abuser. They have chosen to do nothing. My question is: why the decision to paint me as a villain, or the crazy ex-partner? Especially knowing some of personal family grief with loss in my world. The gaslighting is wild as hell. Secretly I blame myself sometimes. It throws me into a spiral.
Now I’m not going out my way to come for anyone except those that came for me or continue to try me. However I will defend myself and have no problem being anyone’s villain. I don’t like none of this. Thats not the end goal. The goal is to leave every place I enter better than how I found it. If it means going against people I held at a high regard, so be it. Cutting off people for my own good, so be it.
Just know a man that has nothing to lose, is the most dangerous you can encounter. Nowadays I feel like I lost a lot and fighting to prevent more.
What do you do when people in your immediate circle don’t take you serious? In all aspects of life. Artistry, personal etc. I feel a lot don’t take me serious.
I now have to do what’s necessary.
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