helpless, heavy is the crown
Such a weird thing being an artist. You say things that piss people off to no end and it’s so easy to blur the lines. When the world feels like it’s against you at every corner you distance yourself from everything including yourself.
Here I am thinking what an asshole I am not being as grateful having the best community of friends that has the strongest morals and don’t budge for nothing. They supported me through every last wild event the past 3 years. Last night I attended Tuesday night cafe in Little Tokyo, final show of the season. I haven’t been able to go that much at all this year due to performance schedule and figuring out how to give myself a break. After several months of no attendance, a staff member approached me and asked how I was doing? And just said that the community appreciates me being there whenever I can come through. Proceeded to send me well wishes for the rest of tour.
I’m not afraid to admit I often lose sight of myself going after the goal. Living at home looking after my grandmother, keeping the personal promise held to my Dad I’m realizing the survival mode issue lies in the work ethic. My absolute bat shit crazy work ethic. Each song, performance, video post, story post whatever it is, is a cry for help. That’s why my message as an artist is clear: let’s present the upmost authentic version of ourselves. The full human. The human that loves unapologetically, laughs, cry, sometimes can be monstrous, a villain, calming, voice of reasoning. All of it.
To be honest I don’t know how much I lost in the fire when it comes all these sides of myself due to enduring sexual assault and making the conscious decision to fight back. I experienced sexual assault before but never actively fought back to this extent talking about it at length. My attitude back then, “this world don’t give a fuck about black men, so what’s the use of saying anything?” Sadly, I still carry the same mentality but it’s shift. It’s pretty wild, I literally have people all over the world reaching out to me. Sharing their personal stories of assault.
One person told me they lost a brother to self-harm to experiencing it. Another reached out from England. The UK. Giving encouraging words. This how I would like to be of service in my artistry. Of course, I want to take care of my family. Represent my community well. Do all the fancy shit. Perform for 80,000 people as they sing my lyrics then use it to manifest their dreams and ideas. Empower them to share their stories. Against all odds to proceed forward.
To “feel” almost feels like I’m wrong for feeling this way. For wanting to burn the world down. For wanting to snuggle up days by myself or with someone. For wanting to pour my heart all day, several days at a time. Nothing feels real. I feel like I often feel invisible. I literally just traveled to Switzerland and opened for my childhood heroes THREE TIMES IN A ROW. WESTSIDE BOOGIE (played all his albums when I was homeless.) The Pharcyde (played all the time in high school.) Black Milk (studied his production top to bottom and was in my daily rotation.) What the fuck am I sad about nigga? What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I want to cry randomly? Why do I have these random spurts of happiness and being present? After a short period it drifts away unconsciously.
A close friend of mine just lost his best friend. Randomly. I knew him too. Aaron Johnson. Always positive. Had a smile on his face. I never heard bro complain about anything and he told me some shit. Trying to comfort my close friend the best way I know how and can I feel like an imposter. He told me yesterday, “man it’s been two weeks, why am I not over it?” When I tell you, hearing that felt like a bullet to the chest.. man. I fucking been there. I had to tell him it’s about co-existing and feeling as it all comes up. As I’m saying this, I look in the mirror like: “nigga you ain’t got over shit. You run from everything. You truthfully scared to ruffle feathers. It may not be others you afraid of disturbing, but you for damn sure scared to disturb yourself.”
I swear I have the toughest time just saying, “I need help.” That sometimes I get a little scared about not seeing the next day, and being fearful of the future. Going to work on my music and career is the greatest distraction. My dating partner just broke things off and had the impulse reaction of “well it’s just time to work harder and lock in even more.” No. It’s time to feel that. To be clear this isn’t no diss, and no disrespect will be tolerated. However, an instant thought that came to mind was “Chris did you do enough?” These “friends” the past 4 years made me out to be the one that always have something going on negatively so my brain goes to “well just too much to handle” all over again. Its like these strides towards my career means nothing to people unless try to get in on the pie itself.
After my Monterey show, one community member/friend I met during my homeless days passed away in her sleep. She was the sweetest and most supportive person ever. Heather Flescher. Wild man. Now as I return to this journal entry, I got dumped randomly without warning. After a very long 10-12 hour train ride from Salinas to Van Nuys that’s supposed to be 6 hours. I got off the train at 2:30. Got home at 3. Get ready for bed and see a break up text message. I’m definitely taking it personal. Maybe more than I should, but I can’t deny how I feel. Shit like this makes me want to hide from the world, because I just feel like I don’t belong anywhere. Whether it be community or someone’s embrace It’s always something, but nothing new.
I went to the jazz club Wednesday night and while I had a great time dancing I had the feeling like I don’t belong here. Maybe it’s me imposing or thinking I’m more significant in a lot of people’s lives more than I actually am. Me feeling or thinking I hold significance in a lot of people’s hearts isn’t something that just randomly pops up out of nowhere in my mind. It’s things said over time or the amount of time spent together and actively building. Example, I had a friend who told me I’m next up as the next big artist, someone they “believe in.” However, asking for help, not there. I know it sounds petty and childish, but I see not only them but multiple people support others but none of the shit I got going on. I don’t know what it is, and I can give a fuck if it’s because the things I been talking about openly. Like how is my most recent and successful single I ever put out not supported by my closest friends on such vulnerable topic? I’m really starting to feel I give the world to everyone, but myself and no one is willing to give anything back. To be clear I’m not asking for the world in return, but damn can yall walk with me at least?
I’m not shy or too proud to say I’m heartbroken. This is not an attack or to diminish my recent dating partner, this is just bottled emotions getting ready to erupt. A lot of these blogs. A lot of these video posts feel like I be screaming into a void. I constantly question: “why the fuck am I here, how the fuck did I get here?” I swear I think to myself, “if I wasn’t a black man, how definitely this would turn out?” I had people that turn they back recently again regarding my assault case, but the same women that yell about feminism and wanting to abolish sexual and gender based violence. To be about feminism is to be inclusive of all genders. To abolish sexual and gender violence is abolish it completely no matter who’s impacted by it. I love being black. Straight up and down. However, just like I noticed the world treated me differently when I was bigger, if my appearance with skin complexion was lighter it be different. I remember going to school with my older brother. He has light hazel eyes. Light skinned. Kinda small. Every single day I get asked “hey Chris where your brother at?” It’s like I’m invisible or not worth any value. Being in the music group it’s strange because it feels like im not worth any value.
Heres a story: trying to gain the courage to rap more, I approached a friend who was also tight knit to the group at the time. Crew just did a show and I did a verse. I felt good. Crowd loved it and everything. I tell bro “hey you down to collaborate?” Knowing he wants to work with other crew members. He didn’t really say anything to me. Invisible. Showed love to everyone else. Another old friend I recently cut off, ain’t really support my solo venture, but always wanted beats. Said I’m dope and all these things, but could not show up. People I had a relationship with during those days aren’t around and I guess I’m just like what the fuck am I to yall? I hold people in my life to high regard. Maybe too high. Maybe I have too much faith in humans. Call me a lover or optimistic. Clingy or whatever. I can’t help it.
I’m noticing weird shit from people in my past just eating up the energy I give because they aren’t getting it from elsewhere. I’ve gotten it before. I’m just naturally vibing high when giving support because I understand when feeling like people don’t. I produced a whole album for someone and they ain’t do shit with those beats. I gotten people through tough periods, but asking for help they gone. I don’t know what to think.
Or maybe of higher social status? It’s an uphill battle. I grind every fucking day to get mines. I’ve done more than most and STILL get less support. Not to sound arrogant, but I got the most to say out of damn near every artist I know on a personal level. People want shit with substance? Taking a stand ? Staying authentic? Not bullshitting? Niggas wanna act cool and front on shit. Then why I have a difficult time?
Or is it because I’m just Chris? Whats wrong with me? The quirky, queer, awkward black kid that loves video games, a bit quiet, but can turn hood in a drop of a dime if tested. Dedicates his energy into everything he does. I’m complex. Is this world ready for complexity? Or everyone wants to stay simple? No right or wrong because shit… I wish my fucking life was simple.
I’m terrified I’ll never get to a point where I can just sit and enjoy the shit, but everything is built on fighting. You gotta fight for “it”. You gotta fight for the things you want.
Existing is never enough, and shit.. what you look at that. I lost sight of myself and what I'm trying to get across in this blog due to being emotional, upset and feeling invisible. sigh.
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