its dark & hell is hot.
“So we not really crazy?”
Caught up with an old friend from my high school days. He’s been struggling. Just like many of us. Adapting to life changes. Things in the past coming back up unexpectedly and figuring out how to adapt to random occurrences. I mean how do we just forget the trauma that’s inflicted? Whats present now later becomes sown into our DNA. We live with it, and typically only presented with two options: 1) running away from something that lives inside us or 2) stand your ground and figure out what’s going on. I just had a great conversation with a new friend about our inner monster and perception. The beauty of standing as a monster is more so becoming. Building into self-worth. The foundation is already there. You just have to choose at some point. Right now I feel with my current situations I’m leaning towards embracing the monster even more.
First off, when we think of monsters we think of non-human, creatures, that looks intimidating. However whatever you looking at, may not even be what your mind is telling what it is based on first glance. Based on fear. This can be applied to racism. For example, white people fear black people and as a result project stereotypes that continues a cycle of violence within our communities by simply existing. Why? Because they feel intimidated. Being in spaces where people feel intimidated by me, by existing is not a good feeling. Especially in the context of race, I’ma black queer man, just like everyone else we all walk along with in this human experience, I have emotions. How I choose present said emotions is one thing, but by simply informing spaces that there’s harmful shit going on anonymously then get some bullshit reply and then turn around get outed by grown ass adults that refuse to have a conversation, choosing to be passive is disappointing.
I’m pro protecting peace, but protecting peace doesn’t absolve you of accountability. Within’ the last month and a half since I been vocal about my experience with sexual assault by someone within these community spaces I been getting stalked, people making slick comments around me in person (can’t even look at me in the eye while saying it) and dealing immature ass games of telephone asking if there’s “tension.” The fuck do I look like wasting energy on niggas that clearly don’t uphold their own fucking “values” ?
The point I been trying to prove with this entire fiasco is to show sexual assault survivors do not get the support they need. Even told a story of how I knew someone that literally dropped off the face of the earth due to them not getting the support they need. At the end of that story I even shared I understand why they did what they did. I feel like running away too at a point. Running away meaning not showing up. Running away meaning cutting everyone off. Running away meaning not speaking on it. Running away meaning “letting it go.” Truthfully fuck that.
I know those reading this may think “oh he’s about to come for us.” No I’m not and that’s not an exaggeration because I hear stupid bullshit about niggas thinking I’m trying to slander. The ridiculous thing is people told on themselves. In addition to this, I been in my own world. I got one living grandparent left living with me. I’m trying to figure out my music career. I’m trying to figure out how I can move along in the dating world. I’m trying to figure out how I don’t let this experience hinder me. I’m trying to figure out future plans, but some want to disturb my peace and get in the way. It’s fucked up that the concept of living a regular ass life as an artist isn’t an option anymore, right?
How is me being open about my experience harming you? Losing two communities of friends along with best friends at that. The mental gymnastics of going outside everyday. Wondering if I need to be cautious of people I’m getting intimate with on all levels as a black man. Please tell me what you know about that? Tell me how releasing a song about MY experience is hurting you? I ain’t mention anyone by name, but since my name is floating around I may reconsider. Trust if you hated this first single I released, you’re going to hate this new album. All 40 minutes I hope you scream at every line. I can’t wait for everyone to press play. The single is just a set up to the main story. I get aggressive with every song that’s on there. “I love my friends” is actually the softest song on the album.
Let me make this clear also: what makes ANYONE think I want to talk about any of this shit openly? Let’s start there. I experienced sexual assault 3-4 times in my life. I learned to stand up for myself in recent times. No one didn’t even fucking know of the shit in college, and shortly after college. When telling a friend 10 years later because my abuser name came up mid-conversation I realize the anger was dormant. I never “let it go” because I never talked about it. I never told anyone in this small ass community about how my abuser literally stalked me and knew where I was living. Now I’m taking a different route and to make it about protecting my friends and I get demonized for it is extremely wild.
“Get therapy.” You wanna pay for my bills nigga? By all means we can get that going if you want to do that.
Look, I’m not a fan of social media, but it is part of my job as an artist. There’s tons of trolls I don’t want to activate but what I’m quickly learning is the trolls are people that are in-person. To have my life on public display and discussed like it’s a new episode of the young and the restless is not on my fucking agenda. I don’t like that shit.
Once again please tell me what the fuck to do when people I once called friends and family won’t even listen and deem me as a threat. Let’s break it down more: when someone is worried about “tension” it’s code for: “this can go left. I’m worried.” Worried means a feeling of unease. That uneasy feeling is intimidation. In a different situation it’s interesting to see niggas get caught up in shit you attempted to resolved, but time is putting belt to ass, and simply just watching them lose it all. It’s a hard watch. However back to the matter:
Do you want me to stay silent? Do you genuinely hope I find that safe space? Again, how about you actually help if that is genuine concern. I’m building one and you’re actively making it dangerous for me to cultivate one. I spoke to a new friend I been working on music with and he was just like “man every time we talk there’s something new going on. I’m concerned.” Believe it or not I’m not out here picking fights, starting riots or any of the bullshit people want to pin to my name. However, if you want to penalize me for existing why not become a villain? Everyone can have an opinion, but again outing me, harassing me, creating a false narrative and being disrespectful in person is gonna make me crash out.
“So we not really crazy?”
Back to my friend’s concern. Yes we are crazy. Crazy to believe that we can share our stories without backlash. To bring forth concern without issue. I look around and see people smiling in my face and saying they appreciate my vulnerability, but truthfully feel different. I don’t expect anyone to fight my battles whether it’s a 20 v 1 or 100 v 1 I stand on my fucking business and beliefs. I will say it’s such a bizarre thing to hone in on my pain and just stare at it. I ain’t one trying to play these “my life is worse than yours” games, but the last 6 years I been through it and seen damn near everything. I mean, Everything. Life, love, death, victories and everything in-between. At this moment I feel like I’m back where I was 3 years ago, where I was about to run away, crash out or find refuge. Thank god I found refuge at the time. Now shit is a bit different knowing what I know.
It’s only me out here. The whole thing of everyone has their own lives to live that is a choice. It’s true, but it’s also a choice. You choose what you give your time and energy towards. You choose who you support and not support. I don’t want to hear you believe in me, I want to see it. Just like I like to believe I go hard for some of these spaces and willing to squabble up for, why I don’t feel like others would do the same? I guarantee if someone else in the space experienced the same exact things, and took the same exact routes all of this would be a different response.
As for my career .. it’s moving but damn man.. I need a damn team. I’m beyond exhausted and feeling like I’m missing out on so much life. Doesn’t help I can’t feel human anywhere beyond my own house.
I feel so guilty that i haven’t had time to talk to my friend that just got out of kidney surgery. I feel guilty that haven’t spoken much to people I’m interested in romantically. I feel guilty i haven’t been able to hang out with friends often. I feel guilty I haven’t even been able to make time tell people how I really feel about them to their face. I feel guilty that it feels like nothing is mine anymore and the focal point of my drive is pure anger. It used to be about “I wanna make some cool shit, tell some true stories, push the line creatively and get others to do the same” while of course elevating in the business. However, now it’s militant mode. I hate this version of me.
I’m doing the best I can to open up, but if I’ma be completely honest the communities and people around me aren’t helping. It’s just a constant wait of getting ready to crash out.
Tell em I said it. Everyone knows where I be at. I no longer care.
Comments