Sent Your Way, Labor Of Love

“Sometimes you gotta stop running to get home.”

Photo by PNGPURP

Recently went on a week long trip outside of LA. Spending time with love ones. Reconnecting with folks. A lot of my homies I seen on this trip been telling me they been going to rehab for addiction problems in relation to alcohol and drugs. On this journey of recovery for myself, granted it’s pertaining towards my behavior when it comes to work, I thought I was the only one amongst my group of friends/circle. I’m open about a lot of things, however, when talking about my work addiction I do feel a level of shame. A chunk of it comes from not knowing (or not being conscious of it) and people around me seen and knew about it but chose not to do anything. No lie I have a big problem with that. From my point of view it’s in alignment of someone just watching me destroy myself in real-time before it gets too far. I do question if you really hold me dear like that? Accountability is love. If we not willing to actively hold each other accountable in a healthy manner where all of us collectively grow and expand then you don’t love me as a person. I’m more of accessory to whatever plan or lifestyle you’re aiming to have. Sadly, that’s something I am beginning to realize with quite a few current close friends and past friendships. 

Where I’m headed and where I’m going all is leaning on how vulnerable I can get, how much I can push myself. A lot of people aren’t up for that challenge and try to stand next to me without doing their inner work first. I’m not saying I’m all knowing, or I have the roadmap, however, what God shown me the last few years is that the more you give yourself the world in a manner that uplifts, challenges in a positive way and disrupt the more you’ll receive in return. From my first album, that was held as “too dark”, to being called a misogynist for writing a musical about my experiences with abuse (absolutely wild lol) to currently being more in the state of “I don’t give a fuck and actually I hope you get offended. Give me a reason to burn everything you love.” See how dark that gotten so quickly? Thats pressure. Pressure has the ability to produce greatness, but also shortcuts. Shortcuts are never great in my opinion. You’ll lose a valuable lesson. Instead of running to burn some shit down, how about taking a moment to breathe. 

What comes up for you? What do you feel? What do you see? Putting myself under immense pressure puts me in a space of sabotage. Handling stupid shit in regards to business the last few weeks, cleaning up things ( that I still have to do unfortunately) I use as an excuse not to handle whatever personal business I have. Lost the plot.

Traveling I had a moment to breathe a bit and reevaluate my future in the long-long term. I mean well past 40. What do I want for myself aside the success. What does legacy look like on a personal level? I’ve always thought about it on a communal level, or even a systemic level. What are you doing to change or challenge the systems of oppression? Legacy for self looks like family. Community. How do I foster relationships? What can be let go and start anew? During time off I spent a couple days with someone I'm getting to know. Not official. Not exclusive. They are incredibly sweet and loving. I hate to say it and of course without surprise my body stays on guard. To be approached with some of affection or love there’s hesitation. At times, I get scared I’m not meeting halfway like they are. Then it comes to questioning my capacity. Then comes subconscious sabotaging. Thinking they maybe better off with me. 

With the connection being long-distance at times I feel my feelings are at a distance. I am so glad they called me in on that early on saying “I see you’re having trouble opening up.” Admittedly internally, to myself I was like I spoke to you so much about different things going on. What are you talking about?” After this trip, I think what they meant is just openly expressing affection or feeling unapologetically. The work is on-going to challenge that and not think that I’m sabotaging or unworthy. Monterey has always been a safe space for me. It’s quiet. It’s slow living. My friends there accept me wholeheartedly. Those moments of stillness I wanted to hide with no one physically around. That’s a different kind of fear. Another level. 

Photo by Jen

I remember there was a time, I couldn’t wait to tell the homies, “Ayo I’m seeing this person, and they’re dope.” Being giddy about it. Openly affectionate about it. I’m getting better at sharing, but there was definitely a recent point I was very secretive. I didn’t want to tell anybody shit. It might be a thing I’m looking for different things in my friendships or community at the moment, but I do feel like an outsider or that one friend “that can never be happy or always be going through it.” I guess I just think if I can have more support on things I want instead of being by myself I can shift the attitude better. Personal accountability: I am pretty bad at actively vocalizing what I want and won’t settle for. Part of it is me not knowing the language and the other part is not feeling safe to do that. 

Prime example: a well-known community leader sent me this email, I decided to make into a single artwork because I’m petty. I don't care. Unfortunately for me DSPs are starting to say you can't have text as artwork, so I'm using this piece my niece drew for me (you can see it below this paragraph.) I went into depth a little more in an older blog, but just to catch yall up if you haven’t read it: I was sexually assaulted and harassed by other community members in the space. When it came to conscious that this happened I spoke to community leaders. One of them I sent an email. Giving dates and all. Even address my feelings of anti-blackness in the space. Instead of focusing solely on my situation I shifted concern to the community at-large for a number of reasons. Even though I don’t like the organization itself I got love for a few people there and I want new people that enter in the space to feel safe. I've always been taught: leave a space better than how you found it. As an artist and former advocate in Monterey County shit like this is important. I seen it happen a ton, and I be damned this shit happens again. 

Despite my attempt at raising concern, I was sent this small “please don’t raise hell, but you on your own black boy” ass email. To friends reading this, this is what the fuck it felt like. As you can see, no addressing anti-blackness. Barely any concern for well-being. You’re hopeful about me finding a safe space? Then actually help me find one. Better yet, do the transformative work you yell about so much via social media in your own space. In-person.

I already know it's gonna be bullshit about "don't place your healing on community", but if this email is the response to me talking about stuff on a communal level to provide a better space for everyone attending how am I placing my responsibility to heal on community? Again for a space that talks about "doing the work" all the time I would think there would be more care into "hey how can I of be of support? how can I help you?" Or at bare minimum give resources. To be quite frank, people I have spoken to about it felt like they were playing neutral and I don’t rock with that. 

artwork by Ely

new single, "i love my friends" out August 18th. Off my new album. Pre-Save here.

The shit I bring up here, makes it difficult for me to be open about what I want. I don’t feel like I’m being taken seriously, when all my life as a living breathing human I have no choice but to take everything serious. Being black and queer is a great offense at the same time protest. You tell me, to be emasculated by your own because of who you love. Then be emasculated by folks because you shared how much something caused you pain. Any idea how lonely that feels? Nigga I am angry. 

The shrapnel here shows up romantically. With my intersectional identities who the hell is going to understand my experience? I get scared of feeling alone when it’s painfully obvious that people aren’t trying to make me feel alone. To be clear I know I’m not the first black queer person to experience this. Sadly I won’t be the last. What I want to drive home is the idea of safety. Can I be safe? Can I breathe? Can I live? As you can probably tell, I am not around black or black queer people often. This isn’t by design or purpose, it literally just happened randomly. Someone can say Black Lives Matter, or talk about pro-blackness, reparations etc., but don’t do a fucking thing to actively protect us. Especially if it in fringes on clout or business matters.

I been worried about finding a new community lately with the feeling of being constantly pushed out by others. I really feel like I don't belong anywhere. I have such a distorted view. I was invited to a private party late June, and while I did have a good time with a couple people I really felt out of place. Something within' me just kept constantly saying: "leave."

However, really happy that came in contact with the TrakLife community last November. It's nothing, but love there. The events, the people I can just be my goofy self. I am extremely serious when I say my true default is my goofy side, however somewhere down the road I lost that side to me or it just became unrecognizable. I don't like walking into rooms and I'm the sad emotional homie. However I just refuse to hide how I'm feeling anymore. I'm over that shit. I get extremely insecure about my grieving process as if I need to heal within a time frame or stop talking about it in a certain time frame as that's what certain friends in the past made me feel. The thing about me if I'm apart of a space, I'm apart of it. Ten toes down. I'm going to speak up and stand in solidarity. I'ma bring folks in the fold. Couple weeks ago, at a community space a person came in causing problems. After awhile I stepped up and got into a shouting match with them telling them to get out.

But let me make this plain, clear, loud and simple for those that don't understand why I'm angry. In short: I was sexually assaulted and raped, by the hands of a woman, a ex-partner of mine 4 years ago in 2022. My mind denied it constantly, but my body was screaming. I was dealing with the death of my father which made it 100x more difficult to process. I lost my brother in 2020. I lost my life the same year and God brought me back. Following year in 2021, I lost my music group (we cleared things up since, however I do feel like things haven't been the same since the breakup.) 2022, I entered a new community where absolutely no one looked like me and exposed me to a plethora things I was ignorant to. 2023, I felt I lost it all again with more family members dying including my pops and wasn't allowed to speak because people in this same space indirectly gave me the "angry black man" label. I realized that some best friends are actually racist and prejudice towards blacks. One of them even flat out used the N-word mid-conversation, but gave me the "oh but my great-grandmother is black."

2024, I discovered I was domestic violence survivor I kept denying saying "well hands wasn't put on me." And community members literally mocking my hurt. The same community members I informed the leader about. Close friends not being friends talking behind my back talking about my emotional immaturity to others when it's not there's to comment on.

2025, after sometime resting not only more family passed away, but I discovered some people truly aren't for me and was kicking it with my rapist. After confronting one of them saying, "hey this decision you made really hurt me" I was met with opposition with my business being thrown out there by a former best friend. Then another former best friend just leaving me on read. To this very day I haven't heard from her.

2026, community leaders "hopes" i find that safe space I need. When they pride themselves of creating a space for others. That's what the fuck I have a problem with. Miss me with all that extra shit. You know what the job is when you stepped up to it, don't act like you don't know now. Also with all the craziness I realized someone that claims to look at me as a "brother" was really trying to take control of my work. All the tragic wild shit I went through, and still working through. I don't think anyone truly understands how much fucking pain i'm in. While I was in Monterey someone mentioned a old community member, and that community member 10 years ago in 2016, sexually assaulted me, and stalked me. Yes, by the hands of a woman. Does anyone truthfully think I asked for any of this? Due to the relationship this person has with that person, I didn't feel safe saying who it was. There's a certain point and time where mothafuckas is tired of being toyed with. This entire new album is me playing offense. I'm over playing defense. I do say names I no longer give a fuck.

If you can’t see that Silhouettes Of Scarlet is a black Queer story, something is wrong. The person trying to take control of my work was attempting to add to my story without my voice several times. Go into rooms saying it’s a dark comedy. It’s a black psychological drama. Just like with any genre of works sometimes there’s a comedic relief to offset the heaviness. Believe me, if it’s up to me I prefer to make the hour and a half show heavy all the way through, no filler. Nothing about these situations is light. Nothing about these situations is a fucking joke. 

Everything going on my abuser gets to live a stress free, happily ever after life. Do you understand now?

Or shit, now imagine going through all this, battling addiction. Trying to keep up with your career. Trying to keep up with your day job with racist bosses inappropriately having intimate relationships with the people they hired. Trying maintain friendships, business relationships, trying to develop romantic relationships etc. It's been fucking hell.

I came too far. Way too far. While in Monterey I visited an old coffee shop that used to hold weekly poetry slams. 9 years ago I was broke and fired from my job, I entered in those slams for survival. 20 dollars was the prize. Almost every week I won that 20 dollars. I needed to eat. Now 9 years later I’m on the global stage, and it’s gonna get even more wilder than that. Taking it all even as I was getting coffee with an old friend in this space was mind boggling. Thats when it clicked so much more. “Man at The Garden” by Kendrick Lamar played in my head. I really do feel like I deserve “it” all. 

It being the fortune. Peace of mind. A community of great people rooted in their values openly. People (polyamorous or not. Romantic or not ) that have the capacity to love me unapologetically. Comfortable living. Quiet. Me having the full capacity to love unapologetically at the highest level and not being shamed for it. 

All this being said, I am asking everyone here: help me find a safe space.

Or better yet, let's create one together.

https://youtu.be/4XZR94MxEmk?si=uMSHdaJdSxmG2sdq