The True Stories Behind Silhouettes Of Scarlet: Hip Hop Musical

Edit by Sebastian Gonzalez

Moment Of Clarity, The Black Album.

At Tuesday Night Cafe, on April 15th, 2025, F Douglass Brown, legendary poet and MC of the evening ask the audience to repeat a phrase after him. The phrase is:

“Won’t you celebrate with me? Something tried to kill me and it failed.”

Are you happy for me?

I feel that my extreme disdain or disconnect for community lately has stemmed from this particular saying. Turning a personal horrific situation into an art piece to communicate the importance of navigating grief in a healthy manner. Documenting my personal pitfalls, mistakes and how I continue forward today. Instead of being met with comfort (I could give a fuck about praises. I don’t like compliments. I just want solstice.) I was met mixed reactions of “this is a brave thing you doing” or “how could you put someone out on blast like that?!” In this era of cancel culture, truth can be perceived as a threat. Thus can be weaponized against you. Even when emerging as a survivor. 

With that and the walk of a black queer man in America I make sure I write all my stories first. So no one can rewrite history as my truth. So may feel I am being immature or unnecessary for producing this show or writing this blog, but I refuse to walk around and go about my life pretending I'm not untangling emotions. There is nothing wrong dealing with yourself. Improving yourself and having a thirst for it. To. be open about our experiences.

The difference between this and many other typical stories (of how I structured Silhouettes Of Scarlet), is there isnt really a resolution. I remember the first run part of the reviews I’ve gotten was the ending left people confused, as in did the character repeat the cycle or did he move on? When it comes to heartbreak, abuse, grief sometimes you go back and forth on situations.

Its a contemplation of change, uncomfortable battles with uncertainty, and accepting a future you didn’t envision for yourself. In other words, none of this experience was part of the plan. 

Right, wrong, indifferent the pledge I made towards my community, my fans, my supporters, my family, my friends and ultimately to me is that I don’t hide from the truth. You will have it raw and unfiltered. Anything I present. I have nothing to hide, and I continue to do my best to empower transparency with relationships of all kinds. From business, romantic, platonic, causal  to family. Exactly what I’ve done with the writing process of creating this show. To those that decide to read this, I sincerely appreciate you. The aim is to inspire people to write their story no matter how "dark" it is.

BUSY/SIRENS, CARE FOR ME.

Summer 2021, I always knew my Dad was on the clock. He had to undergo a heart transplant surgery procedure in East Hollywood. During that time, even though I have lived in Los Angeles my entire life, I never left our tiny neighborhood on the south-side. Despite visiting friends at their houses or going to college 5 hours north to Monterey County. Thats it. I never seen Downtown LA. I never seen Hollywood. I never seen El Monte. I didn't know what San Gabriel looked like. My home was empty. Mom was in the hospital looking after Dad, my sister at work, and was keeping our dog Charlie company. Emotionally I felt I was in a space of losing everything again.

At that point, my world imploded at least 3 times: being homeless, being falsely accused of a crime I didn’t commit, and losing my life to covid. I felt there was a disconnect between me and my friends so I distance myself. One day a random person I met three years prior, Veronica messaged me about hanging out. That first time hanging out with Veronica, I was introduced to her friend Abby. Abby then introduced me to her group of friends. Then someone from that group of friends introduced me to a community of artists. 

In March 2022, i obtained a euphoric feeling, as if I belonged somewhere. Prior, I felt my old college community intended to put a label on and steer my career path. I in reality just didn’t know how to say no and take control of my narrative versus following the vision others had for me. Me feeling emotionally distant from old friends mentally placed me in a position of “im by myself and I gotta look out for myself.”

So this was nice to be apart of a new community. In this new community space, the only things I took with me from the previous era was my work ethic and literally an album I worked on that to be honest, I wasn’t fully confident in. When it comes to the arts/self-expression the music industry demonize storytelling, when thats the job. Especially as a hip hop artist. We was once dubbed the neighborhood reporters in the 80’s. Tell the stories that occurred on the block. Tell the stories of our ancestors. Tell the stories that happened with us personally. That was the power and the struggle we keep afloat present day. 

When it came to my work ethic I held so much guilt. Working so much on this dream meant less time spent with my Dad. Less time to give cultivating new friendships and connections as much as I craved them. My biggest fear has always been going on tour and someone passing away. Unfortunately, that happened September 2021. My grandfather on moms side of the family passed away. Then a few days later my grandmother on my Dad's side of the family passed away. A day after my birthday. Hours before hitting the stage. Getting a call hearing my dad cry on the phone. That was the second time I ever heard him cry. With family members passing away me chasing this dream I vowed to never stop chasing this dream I have. I feel it would be extremely disrespectful to stop what I do. My brother passed away March 2020 and we didn't speak for 8 years prior to his passing. Too many passed away for me to stop.

I barely rapped, but after separating from my music group at the time. It was time to go all in on myself.

With that, my first album came out, “The MisAdventures Of Chris Siders.” Fans and supporters alike loved the rawness, others said it was “too dark.” I told stories of survivors remorse, colorism, ego, police brutality and more under the theme of science fiction of someone trying to confront their traumas and a human attempting to be God via technology. 

I have never been apart of a community where I was one of a handful of black people. Yes, college there was barely any black people. My old friend group prior was black however. At this time, being around primarily Asian and white, something I haven’t checked is the expectations, because knowing what its like being black, in addition to the intersectional identities i hold. Honestly it’s wack that I can’t make any references to things I grew up on, no one understood.

The amount of times things gone unchecked in terms of my culture is wild. The amount of times I been asked, “is this cultural appropriation? Am I fetishizing black men, because I only date black men?” Or “I can say the n-word because my great-grandmother is black” or someone trying to tell me what hip-hop/rap is and is not when its black culture, is quite frankly alarming. I entered the spaces guarded, afraid to open up despite my public persona, seemingly vulnerable because I place story-telling as a priority and of high value in my art. I got quickly labeled “intimidating.”

No one really talked how I talked with the slang I grew with, the music I grew up with, almost everything was different. With all this I still enjoyed myself. I love being in community. I love learning more about perspectives. Culture. To challenge my mentality and understanding there are several ways to live your life. There were great people I met along this journey. 

My loverboy tendencies amidst exploration got me here. This position i’m in today. Pure ignorance on communication in formulating connections. Being vulnerable in that sense. Looking out for red flags. Ultimately not fully grasping what comes with being in a partnership and being your own individual at the same time. I damaged hearts and got mine damaged as well. Men from the community around me at the time placed an assumption on me (that later turned to be based on envy due to lack of self-worth) that because I am “good looking, and attractive I must have slept with a lot of women or had a lot of girlfriends.” Furthest thing from the truth. Oddly enough, created enemies based on how I look physically and the vulnerability within my art which to this very day don’t understand. This new world is bizarre. 

Are you happy for me?

STUCK, MORE BLACK SUPERHEROES.

Through a workshop community event, I met a girl named Scarlet. Admittedly, I knew personally I was entering a no go zone. This part of town is dangerous for black people. Historically racist sundown town where police have been known to deliberately target black men. My older brother got beat up by them. My father was yanked out of the car at gun point. I knew someone thats been shot and killed, young black man. Christopher DeAndre. Meeting up with Scarlet I got immersed in her world as a friend. We were dealing with our respective dating partners at the time while building on the idea of vulnerability. Questioning what does that mean and look like for us as individuals. Things gradually progressed to different levels of intimacy unexpectedly and ended up in a partnership. 

Covering even newer ground, I was afraid to show emotion. I internalized that “intimidating” label this new community put on to me, my emotional disconnect with past friends and just refused to show any negative emotion around Scarlet when dating. This led to dishonesty on my end. I was not 100 percent being me. Truthfully speaking, I am an emotional person, but I hate the label as it has a negative connotation behind what it means to be emotional. As a performer I release all that tension and leave it on the stage. Interpersonal one on one I don’t snap at people disrespectfully. Despite never raising my voice, doing my best to be an active listener, attempting to check myself and my ego when a situation arises I still managed somehow to be labeled as a emotional person by her. In the context of “be careful because it can go left.”

Deep down at times, I felt it’s me being Black that I gotten that “emotional” label as well, the reality is I’m tapped into my emotions more than average male. I don’t know why that is, its just is. That does not make me more special than the next man, its just what is. However, when the world sees that it’s interpreted a different way. Sometimes unknown. Sometimes “taboo.” I get shit from my own community sometimes because I feel. Sometimes it can even border along the “exotic” troupe. You have a black queer man who raps ( and is pretty damn good at it), primarily focused on stirring conversations around vulnerability and mental health in combination dealing with American societal standards of beauty or fetishization from the surrounding environment. It can get ridiculous. Really fast.

For example: on the case of just being a black rap artist. There was a karaoke event going on and one of her white friends wanted to change me to a rap battle. Didn’t know this person too well. All I known was that scarlet and this person had a past at one point. Could be a thing trying to impress her? Could be of mocking culture? Could be “harmless” fun? Either way I was not amused. 

We had the conversation most interracial couples would or should have. “Will your parents be cool with you dating _________ person?” My parents was cool with me dating anyone of any ethnicity or gender. Hers, it was a no. In my head I framed it as: “I’m dating you. So it doesn’t matter what everyone else thinks or feels. The only thing that matters is yours.” In hindsight, that wasn’t the best mindset to have. I took my feelings out of the equation. As a black man in my world we been taught to sacrifice. More on this later. 

Everything was not all bad. I felt held. I felt a connection on a level. At the time being in that partnership was the closest thing I felt to this world allowing me to be me without being condemned. I could be goofy, put on a smile, explore different sides and not be quiet all the time. There was just a emotional blockage because of fear. Fear of being viewed as exotic, not enough, not worthy. I held down three jobs and my music career at that point. All this really taught me is my personal responsibility when it comes to acceptance. I must do better at accepting me an acknowledging my human. I see and acknowledge the monster in me frequently because thats what American society see me as. Of course if you have a one track mind on something thats what manifests. Thats what becomes reality. The negative view of myself only grew stronger. 

One night we went to an open mic where the structure is built for the performers to create  their set based off a prompt 24 hours before the show. I don’t remember what my prompt was, however, i do remember it was honest depiction of what life is like growing up as a black male in Los Angeles. Racism. Gang-culture. This room is filled with nothing but white people. I felt embarrassed. I felt i was tap dancing entertaining a crowd, sharing stories with a group of people that obviously don't have the slightly clue on what it means to be black. After i did my set I sat down and was in my head for the rest of entire night. Scarlet went and did her set. Soon after hers a white man went up and talked about his struggles with lust. Wanting to be committed, but also wants to be causal with people.

After 30 minutes or so of more performances, the night ends. I felt i couldn’t breathe almost as if I’m about to have a panic attack. I told Scarlet I’m going to stand outside for air. After 10-15 minutes of being outside, she freaked out and said “I got scared.” She thought it was going to randomly leave her. We got in her car and on the way home got into our first argument.  Getting home, she told me “hey you know that guy that talk about his struggles with commitment? Me and him were talking about doing stuff together..” In shocked, confused and hurt tone I asked, “So wait are you going to leave me for this guy?” She laughed a little and said she was offended by my response. Due to her being offended I apologize profusely and explained I jumped to conclusions.

What breaks my heart about this situation is that, not only this is the only argument we get into as a couple, but just now as I write this, I just realize this is a form gaslighting. What am I apologizing for? What am I jumping to conclusions to by asking a question and feeling hurt that I’m out with her and she’s actively pursuing someone else and she’s vocalizing that especially with the boundary I set that she can do whatever she want, just don’t tell me about it regarding us being in an open relationship. 

After apologizing profusely, she got quiet and she told me she loves me. We both went to bed. Next morning I head to work and she expressed she wants a break from me. I feel lost, because not only we resolved the problem the night before, but she said the words “I love you.” It was at that very moment, not only my perception of self shifted, but my outlook on the world shifted. I felt it was me against the world all over again. The following week, the break turned into a break up. A popular well-known poetry publishing company in Los Angeles at the time I was working for capitalized off my hurt and had me perform poetry on camera as promotion for the type caliber of artists they can help curate. The week after that, I had to go to Scarlet’s house because i left some things there and to give her Christmas present I bought before everything occurred. At this point unknowingly we both created a toxic cycle. 

Are you happy for me?

DO BETTER, HERBERT.

Boundaries set in place done nothing to keep us and our suppressed feelings at bay. We said no kissing, no flirting, no stying the night at her place, only see each other once a week, text each other once a week and more. Everything except kissing went out the window. A few days after trying to find our footing as “friends” I got randomly asked “Hey is it okay if I have sex with your friends?” My jaw dropped and I said no. She got visibly offended by my response of feeling hurt.

Despite being upset at each other, we were still around each other. Really odd. Spent the next couple days and Christmas Eve together. We were going to spend Christmas day together, but I said lets just hangout the following day instead to give space. I deep down wanted to run away from her. That Christmas Eve I questioned by actions of what the hell am I doing here on your bed, watching you clean your room and being flirty while you get dressed? We aren’t together. That day I went home written and produced the song, "Purgatory."

On Christmas Day, I got invited to perform Zurich, Switzerland for Fall 2023. A huge surprise that someone on the other-side of the globe heard my music and want to take a chance on me. To make it even more exciting the headlining artist for the show is a rapper I been listening to since I was homeless in 2017. His mixtapes got me through those harsh days.

December 26th. Spent the whole day together. This entire day of “hanging out” felt like us dating again. We only been broken up for two-three weeks at this point. I spoke up for myself saying i’m confused as to whats happening and admitting i still have feelings. She got upset asking why I cannot compartmentalize when she can do it and put it to practice everyday. I said i’m not that type of person. Spent our dinner in silence. Our ride back home in silence.

At home is where things were said. When it came to the dialogue during the first scene of the musical, during the "I Hate You-Don't Leave" sequence lines like "slap me across the face and fuck me on the kitchen floor" audiences thought it was hyperbolized or exaggerated due to the ridiculousness of “who the hell would say some shit like this?” But to put everyone in my mind of processing I decided to share a tiny bit of what was actually said. I didn't fabricate or change the dialogue. A lot of what occurred I feel I shouldn't share as i’m not aiming to be destructive or disrespectful writing this. The inspiration to put this real-life argument into song format came from Kendrick Lamar's "We Cry Together" where him and his partner go back in forth during an heated argument.

All I can say is how I felt, and i felt confused and scared. I stayed. Anyone from the outside looking in would say “just walk away” or leave. “What are you staying around for?” When you fear for the other person’s safety as they spiral, leaving them to their own dark thoughts, walking away doesn’t feel like an option. If I left and something were to occur I would feel responsible because I had the ability to intervene. I stayed and took insult after insult then proceeding to tell me to get the fuck out, me asking her if that’s what she truly wanted me to do and her continue to talk about her she feels. Eventually, she just asked for to stay as she folds clothes and finish an old movie we didn’t get to finish.

The following morning, at 6:30am I got up and left her house and never looked back. Getting home it was hard to process what happened. I cried. I pulled up a sample of a song I always wanted to flip and made “a farewell to beautiful.” People tend to think a farewell is a love song or a heartbreak-love song. It’s actually about abuse. Saying a farewell to that person or situation that you were comfortable in. At the time, i didn’t label it abuse because i had no idea what it was. I was just in shock and have even more difficulty emoting. Reflecting now I feel my body went into a state of defense recognizing a danger from the past I didn’t know how to define either. 

In 2017, I was homeless in Monterey county. One night a friend of mine was blacked out drunk in the middle of the street laid out. At the time i found refuge in someone’s dusty cold garage where raccoons would sometimes get inside. I went to help my friend trying to carry him to the garage, but a random car pulled up and two guys hopped out trying to fight me. A woman at a house across the street broke it up, pulling one of the guys inside. As he got pulled inside he said “if I come back out here and yall are still here it’s going to be fucking trouble!” My friend didn’t live too far so I carried him to his house down the road. As I was doing so another friend that called for help ran up and asked me what happened. Told her two guys were trying to start a fight. She then decided to go to the place where those men were trying to fight us, despite telling her to leave it alone. While she ran up the street i got my friend inside his house. 30-45 minutes later she came inside my friend’s place. I always felt it was oddly suspicious she was gone that long. She helped cleaned up my friend and put him to bed.

Next morning me and her got food. She dropped me off then an hour later asked me to go to her friends’ house. When I got there she started screaming in my face. Two of her friends came out the house and was backing her up throwing insults about how I somehow didnt have her back. Apparently something occurred between her and my friend that I helped out. I was unaware of everything. They backed me against the wall as I was tearing up and scared and trying to say I dont know whats going on. She balled up her first and punch the wall one-two inches away from my face. I didn’t make any sudden moves or shown emotion as I knew with me being black and her being white would put me in a deeper situation. This woman was a best friend of 5 years at that point. We never spoke again after that. That point I didn’t know what was. Bullying maybe? The psychological effect definitely left a scar. 

Enduring abuse in 2022 brought me back to that moment with my old best friend in 2017. That moment in 2017 brought me back to a situation where I was falsely accused of a crime I didn’t crime by a white woman in 2014. These are all situations I haven’t dealt with because how do you exactly deal with that? In a hyper-masculine environment such as Los Angeles, where every man aims to be the toughest. Men don’t cry. No way you can experience abuse from a woman thats shorter than you and probably not as strong. From there I lived in an extreme state of denial and created a lust problem. Two days after me and Scarlet’s situation a friend shot their shot at me and we started dating. A week after that another girl shot her shot and I started dating her as well.

I had no business jumping into new dating situations with anyone. 

Are you happy for me, yet?

2023

Donuts, The House is Burning.

Amidst of everything occurring my Dad at home asking me to help him out with his physical health. Somehow I managed to lose 160 pounds in a year. I never took what I learned and pass that knowledge on. I was too occupied and overwhelmed with everything else going on. One day he sat me down and said “Son, I am serious take care of yourself mother and your sister when I’m gone.” Weeks later, he ended up in the hospital due to a stroke and hitting his head.  Something in me was telling me he knew he was in his last days.

Beginnings of "The Fire Choir" January 2023

Attempting to take work from the poetry publishing company off to be with my Dad at the Hospital, the company fired me. Then still continue to use videos of me performing for their profit. I was then put on leave from my second job teaching emotional intelligence at High Schools in LA, due to our liasons on campus getting injured breaking up a huge fight. I was down to one job.

When that happened I was in Hollywood with a friend of mine after a DJ-ing gig. February 2nd 2023. 4:45am in the morning talking about this double album I been writing going back and forth on whether or not I should release it because I felt it could be harmful and painting someone in a bad light. Two things about this: 1) since when have we actively condemn telling our own truth and stories as we experienced it? None of the lyrics contain misogyny, disrespect and kept it strictly to the story. Keeping it to how I felt as I am writing this blog. 2) Weeks later come to find out I was painted in a bad light the night I was getting threats and cussed out. I gaslit myself. Questioned my truth for someone else’s safety because I was taught standing for yourself can mean death.

In 2014, when I was falsely accused of a crime I didn’t commit, my university was ready to throw me under the jail. Threatened to take me to court. It didn’t matter how much work I put in as an activist, how I stand on my morals everyday and encouraged expression in healthy manner. They just saw a black man versus a white woman’s word. In this case, in this world, putting this album felt like setting myself up.

At the time of this conversation in Hollywood, I didn’t know how to articulate the feelings. I didn’t, again, know my body was responding to trauma that occurred in the past so I was scared to talk about it. In the middle of this conversation, my sister called me in tears saying Dad had to go to the hospital and I need to go. I got to the hospital and for whatever reason the first person I called was Scarlet. Scarlet showed up at 7am with their roommates. Unsure of my Dad pulling through mom said “this day will forever change our lives.” After spending the day at the hospital I went home. Empty. Mom stayed with Dad. My sister out working and with people to help her out. I was by myself again, similar to 2021. Scarlet’s roommate wanted me to stay at their place so I won’t be alone by myself. This is where the enmeshment truly began. I was heartbroken by Dad’s health, at the same time, living on my ex’s couch for a few days.

The last conversation I had with Dad was about figuring out how to show Scarlet that I want to be there. He asked me “do you love her?” I said “yes I do.” He said “well continue to be by her side. It’ll be difficult, but thats what it means to be a man. Showing compassion and empathy. Hold it down.” I confused holding it down with stuffing down my emotions. What he meant was have compassion. Self-respect. Before accepting the offer I slept on it.

One day a friend visited the hospital convinced me to rap for Dad. My first time sharing a verse happened to be part of a love song. That verse happened to be about Scarlet. That same night, my mom sat me and my sister down and told us doctors predicted he’s not going to make it. It wasn’t made official. I decided to go and spend a few days at Scarlet’s place. We didnt speak while I was there. I had so much anxiety and worry of her bringing home another guy, or hearing something i’m not supposed to hear. One morning I lost my cool in her backyard after getting a call from the doctors that there’s nothing more they can do. I screamed and broke down.

The following morning he was gone. Valentine’s day 2023. Getting ready to tour and be the first person on my Dad’s side of the family to see the other-side of the globe the first time. Gone. I had a show in Hollywood that night and I was looking for something to take the edge off. I succumbed to lust and hooked up with a random person on a dating app. After sex they noticed i was a bit sad and told them I lost my dad few hours prior. I know super buzzkill. They told me the story of how they lost their mother three years ago. Doing anything and everything to avoid that hurt. They told me “you are going to remember this day for the rest of your life.” Afterwards I went to Hollywood to perform as scheduled. After getting off stage I cried my eyes out. I threw up. I felt horrible. I felt lost. Nothing felt real.

Instead of going home that night, I stayed at friend’s house nearby so I won’t be alone. However, they went out to celebrate the show and I stayed behind paralyzed. One person from the group came up to me before leaving and said “Chris, now is the time. You need to work your ass off. You need to work harder. Work like your life depends on this shit.” After saying that he left the room. Honestly I was mad as hell when he told me that, but I get it now. These types of life events will completely steer your life in a different direction. Pac said it best at 30 years old this environment drains the soul of a black man til you don’t want to fight back anymore. That night I written and produced 4 more songs for my double album. 

My music manager, Felix, was encouraging me to sit down for a little bit, but I refused. I told him I’m working on something, but I have no plans on putting it out. At this point I already decided I’m not going to put out the album. By deciding not to share that music, Silhouettes Of Scarlet would’ve never happened. Again I dubbed it too personal. Those versions at the time, I said people’s names that were involved in me and Scarlet’s relationship. I was mad as hell and I didn’t think it was appropriate. My manager convinced me to put it out. I told him under one condition: Scarlet hears this 22 track album and approves every song. I messaged her to meet up.

Me and Scarlet link up the day after my Dad’s funeral. The day before I go out of state to tour. I tell her I have this album, and I wanted to share because I’m not trying to come off disrespectful. She told me she wanted to wait til she’s in a better place to listen and told me that I can do whatever with my art. Despite hearing that its my work and I can do whatever with my work, I still didn’t feel good about releasing it. Ultimately, I shelved it for a while. During touring one of my cousins passed away, near the anniversary of my brother's death. Needlesss to say, my world was really falling apart.

Better Days, 2Pac.

On tour I worked on a new album, The Emancipation Of Chris Siders. An album partly about being anger about my Dad’s passing. Struggling with the emotion of anger because I get classified as a monster for feeling it. I made it in a week. Made a couple songs from my hotel room and came back home to finish the rest. I produced and written all the songs.

Are you happy for me, now?

One incident occurred that became the last straw for me, that put me in a position to fully cut off Scarlet. She for some reason offered up her bed for me to sleep in while she was away on a trip for her birthday. That felt strange. I never asked for that. When I was sleeping at her place, her roommate offered and I was on the couch. We did not speak while I was there. This almost felt like an attempt to toy with my emotions. Since the argument December 26th, there a constant push and pull. We saw each other at events. Admittedly, sometimes I would say something. Sometimes she would say something. I made it known I want to work things out. I get met with ambiguous responses. 

End Of April 2023, I travel to Humboldt County for my next tour stop. After an hour of being in Humboldt I wanted to go home. I did not want to be there. Mentally I was somewhere else still grieving silently succumbing to vices. I was hooking up with people. I drank alcohol a little. All of it was out of character for me. All the while I was dating two women in a poly situation. That energy of extreme apathy stemmed from this phenomenon called “Redwood Curtain.” Humboldt locals say, that no energy leaves or enters Humboldt. Typically, people move to Humboldt or visit to face themselves and their demons. I obviously was reluctant and stubborn. It wasn’t until my third day there. I went to a nearby zoo with a couple friends to kill time before my next performance. There was a lot of people walking around. We got back to the car and someone dropped the keys in the forest part of the zoo. Not only my show is 30 minutes from that point, the car we drove in was a rental. One person stayed by the car. Me and the other friend went back in the forest.

My friend was directly in front of me as we looking closely at the ground searching for keys. 2 minutes later, my friend vanished. The forest, the zoo was completely empty. Not a single soul around me. It freaked me out. I continued to look for the keys and something told me to just start talking to my Dad. I asked him, how did he managed to keep his head held high? I understood more the position he was in when his mother, my grandmother, passed away while I was touring 3 years prior. I vented every frustration I ever had. My doubts on what it means to be a man. The path i’m taking. Trusting myself, believing in myself. Regrets. How i never let him into my world out of fear of him not understanding who I am. I feel he never got to know his son fully because of my stubbornness. Crying my eyes out in the middle of this forest with no one around felt I was transported into a different dimension where it was only me and him. At the end of the conversation between me and my Dad, i got a text from one of my friends that they found the keys. At that moment I knew that was supposed to happen.

After that the trip went smooth sailing. I was feeling a little better about myself, however still had a long way to go for a full recovery regarding bad habits. I met a woman at a show and I developed a crush. I didn’t know her like that, but by the end of the trip I shot my shot, and we start dating as well. At this point, in a poly relationship of 3. I haven’t fully dealt with my grief, living in constant denial about whats hurting me. Keeping a constant lid on my emotions, and not expressing them openly. Between May-August all relationships crumbled. I broke up with two, and one left me due to the ultimatum of an old partner, demanding she can’t see men and can only see women. 

At the time I revisited old songs from the double album. I got the idea to start experimenting with live experimentation. I could hear strings on two songs in specific for this album, “Dandelion” & “a farewell to beautiful.” A talented young woman I met at a open mic earlier that year, Ioana Istrate played the viola. She said she can do it just need help writing string parts. She brought in P.L. Davis. They both blew me away. With the chemistry, the sonics, and how they carried themselves as people. In this industry, I ran into a lot of shady people. These individuals only knowing them for a day felt like family. 

Me and P.L. connected with each other making “simp” music. We’re lover boys. We love serenading to crushes, significant others. We also been through the same type of issues when it comes to romantic relationships in our lives. We was both dead broke splitting meals during studio sessions. Some days he would go into isolation and work on side projects regarding media pollution and writing rock operas about personal situations he went through in his life. Spent our last dollars on each other to make it home. He quickly became my little brother. As life had it, unexpected turns occurred. September 2nd 2023, one of my poetry mentors, Joe Limer passed away. That hit me like a truck.

DEEP, Dark Sky Paradise.

At that point, I was 3 weeks away from flying to Switzerland. First time out of the country, opening for one my favorite artists whos music gotten me through my homelessness days and I was ready to throw it all away. I was about to self-admit myself into a 51/50 ward.

The same friends Abby & Veronica that brought me to these new community spaces responded to this death in my world with less empathy. It came from a space of them constantly telling me I need to get therapy. To their credit I do understand the frustration. What they both don’t understand is I was spiraling in several ways. Several heartbreaks. Not taking time for myself to process everything that was going on, due to being in demand with my career. I was in pure survival mode. On top of that the thought of spending money for therapy was killing me.

As friends, reflecting back, thats the cultural disconnect. In my community, black men, we push through any and all adversities stone-walling ourselves. For whatever reason, I feel my emotions deeply more than the average person. I have to cry. With me having these friends, knowing everything thats going on beyond my control, I thought they would understand I was sadly mistaken. I felt like I didn’t mattered and I was alone to deal with a fire that didn’t seem like it was going to put out anytime soon. 

Few days later, I went to Balam Garcia’s house and have reconstruct this song called “at least we tried.” It was my fourth time we doing the production because my goal for when people hear it is put them in a space of longing and at the same time feel warm. As if you are in bed with your significant other or crush, questioning to yourself is this going to go far? We took the drums I created from the third iteration and Balam played the guitar, synth and pads. It came out beautifully. In the middle of this session, Scarlet sends me a voice message giving her condolences regarding Joe after 5 months of not speaking. I appreciate her reaching out. That did mean a lot. Joe played a huge role in encouraging me to share those terrifying stories. We texted a bit.

The next morning, Scarlet started texting me as if things were back to normal as friends. I spent a couple weeks questioning her intensions through text trying to initiate a in-person conversation. In the middle of this, I attended Joe’s funeral and memorial service where his students performed poetry in his honor.

Before heading to Switzerland, Scarlet finally agreed to have a conversation in person after I get back from traveling. Half the time in Switzerland, I was numb. I didn’t give it the full attention it deserves. Hyper-focus on the impending Scarlet conversation, these deaths and grief I wasn’t all the way there. I was with my best friend Denesha for the first of the two weeks in Switzerland. She truly changed my life for the better and ensuring I keep God with me everywhere I go. 

That second week, I had no doubt in my mind I finally grasp a moment of peace. The promoter of the show allowed me to sleep in a room at his house. It was quiet. Couldn’t talk to anyone back home because of the time difference so I was forced to be present with myself. This trip shown me achieving a level of peace, comfort and success is possible. Shows went great. I got brought back out on stage where Westside Boogie gave me props and a co-sign. I met a girl out there and we decided to be in a polyamorous relationship before concluding the trip.

I was getting everything I wanted. I came back to the states, October 2023 refreshed and ready to take on the conversation with Scarlet. A lot of questionable things occurred. For example, making comments like: "If you go on tour again, I would drop everything just to go with you" doesn't sound platonic. Especially since that was something that was said while was together in a romantic context. Ultimately we tried to be friends again. However, I felt both of us didn’t place the best boundaries. For Example, one of the boundaries set was not to go to each other’s houses and meet on common ground. The very time we saw each other after our conversation, I was asked to go to her house. We planned to meet somewhere to go to a mutual friend’s show later in the evening. I could’ve ignored the request and just met up at the concert, but i disrespected myself.

Each time after that i just got dangerously closer and closer to something happening. Kept being asked to go to her place. First time we in the kitchen. Then we in the living room. Then we in her room. Then we in her room until late. We was going way too fast trying to rebuild our friendship.

There was truth spoken during those times though.  She admitted she had a fear of showing emotions out of fear of not coming off as the perfect person. I admitted that every-time I think about my Dad I think about her and vice versa.

Between November-December 2023, I spiraled again blaming myself. Succumbing to lust due to being unsure of where I stand. One situation almost costed me my life. Being at the wrong place at the wrong time. After hookup with someone late night I was headed to a friend’s house and on the way there a random guy creeped up yelling “I’m going to kill you.” I took off running and he chased me down a few blocks. I called my friends and they met me at street corner. When the guy caught up we jumped him to get him to back off. This agonizing, desperate attempt to fill a void. Where I was lying to myself, knowing feelings was still present almost got me killed. Dis-regulated with my emotions I told Scarlet about this incident looking for warmth and comfort like she did in this past. Thats unfair for me to place an expectation like that onto her. That’s immature. 

The disregulation in my body created tension. It was very similar to where I woke up Christmas eve and questioned why am I here. With that I decided to call it quits, but made sure I asked Scarlet if she can listen to the album one more time. She consented to it. The night of, I pressed play and my eyes were glued to computer screen. I was scared to to look at her and her reactions. She was folding clothes as a way to give herself peace of mind. Periodically, I did take a look for the sake of body language. In particular, the song, Last Holiday had us both crying. She stopped folding clothes and her hands were shaking. At the end of the session, I assured her again, this project is not meant to inflict pain. I was firm on my stance of releasing it and making musical out of the songs. At this point I had no title, no structure, no script, no anything. Just the songs. Someone told me to apply for Hollywood fringe back in October also to apply for the scholarship program. I always had the idea and dream to create a rap album and make a musical out of it.

I also used it as a opportunity to show we are in a toxic cycle. There’s a particular way this album is structured track sequencing wise to give that message. Where we were at during that particular moment, not ready to be in each other’s lives. I had to be the one to cut her off. Both of us were in tears. Didn't want to let go. Even told me she’s still there if I changed mind. As tempting as it was I had to be better when it comes to choosing me. 

Few days after that conversation I still felt a lot of tension in my body. I made the poor decision, voice every last frustration to illustrate its a cycle in a text message. So there’s nowhere none of these concerns for under the radar. I wasn’t disrespectful about it, but i had to be stern and real about my feelings. Despite leaving an olive branch to answer questions if she had any to prevent rumors from happening. However that message became the final nail in the coffin. We stopped speaking after that. 

Before the year ended I asked P.L. would he be down to create a musical out of the songs I been showing him and working on, from there that’s how Silhouettes Of Scarlet was born. 

Maybe you happy...now?

First logo designed by P.L. Davis.

2024

RUN, MICHAEL.

The title derives from a “haunting.” The silhouettes of a person that’s no longer around and attempting to separate myself mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. It becomes difficult to do so, due to the fact I enmeshed the loss my Dad with the loss of the relationship. The name Scarlet came from thinking about Scarlett letter (Scarlet isn't the person's actual name.)

The first version of the show was meant to serve as a psychological-drama. The way I written it was supposed be a little confusing and toy with the audience’s mind on whatever or not the scene was taking place in the main character, James’ head or was it happening in reality. The show started it off with the intense argument between me and Scarlet that occurred the day after Christmas. I knew it was potentially going to turn off audiences. The stories I shared at the beginning of this blog are all in the show.

By design I wanted to put everyone in my thought process of constantly thinking about the argument and being confused of how it all went wrong. Then suddenly losing my Dad, and succumbing to behaviors that I don’t do at all in the right frame of mind. The show ends with James taking inventory, after everything he went through if granted the opportunity to go back to Scarlet would he do it?

Several people in abusive situations find it difficult to break free from their respective situations. My situation was more emotional and verbal. The fear of if I ever speak out, I’ll get condemned and no one will believe me. I already have two strikes against me. Being black and being labeled intimidating for existing.

During pre-production, Scarlet went around and spoke to mutual friends pushing an narrative that I hurt her feelings and laughed in her face while playing an album I asked for consent to release in the first place. It felt as if my back was against the walk again, for trying to do the right thing. I felt I was back in the situation where my best friend was attempting to inflict violence and ganging up on me with her friends. I felt I was back in the situation where I was falsely accused of a crime I didn’t commit by a white woman in college.

The cold hard truth is I repeated a cycle I could’ve avoided. I didn’t blatantly speak out because I get defensive responding to everything production would tank. P.L. helped telling me how you fight back is by being successful and telling the story.

The Silhouettes Of Scarlet Orchestra came together fusing both our bands together. P.L. had his band 82L8. I had the Fire Choir. I happened to see my old co-worker, Geena play the Cello on instagram so I reached out to her. Then I reached out to my friend, Sarah Vita, I model with time to time to potentially dance for the show. She gathered 3 other dancers to join in. Some band members became actors for the show. It was their first time acting on stage and they done an amazing job. I asked a couple poets I met in the community based on how they carried themselves as performers and people to be apart as a actors. We are community based. I try my best to lay the ground work for that. While yes this is a business and we are getting work done, but look at your fellow cast and production team members as people you can depend on, on a personal level.

Me and P.L. had multiple night long recording sessions getting the sonics right, and me recording for our original cast recordings album. We went off the songs from the double album I created. Recording from typically 8pm-4am for a few weeks. P.L. played and tracked every instrument himself.

A few weeks before our first run, in May at a conference in Boyle Heights to give a presentation about theater and recruit at-risk youth to be stage hands, I met Sebastian Gonzalez. A veteran in the musical theater realm who is a film teacher by day. They ended up helping us marketing the show by filming a trailer.

The show is extremely ambitious. My thought process when it comes to creation is always about experimentation. Whatever I do as an artist I prioritize brute honesty and innovation at the forefront. Silhouettes Of Scarlet even with selling out all of our shows it has came out to polarizing reviews. You either loved it or hated it. First night was rough. I almost wanted to quit after that. In the middle scene changes the lights would come on. The venue didn’t worn us about ways to prevent sound problems when we are a sound heavy show. The second night went better. The third night was damn near perfect. In the middle of receiving reviews admittedly felt like there were people trying to make me feel bad for sharing a story. One review in particular completely attacked me as a person calling me a misogynist, disrespectful, trauma dumping etc.

When it came to the trauma dumping comment thats literally what people use art for. To vent all their traumas. Then its up to the audience to receive or leave said trauma where its at. Also important to note, a show about black mental health going against several other white centered stories surrounding their trauma didn’t get backlash. After the second night of the show, I got a call from a community member talking about the show. Being in vulnerable state I vented and expressed frustration as to how I feel people are not listening to what I’m trying to say and my experiences of being abused and friends being manipulated.

The comment I got back was and I quote: “Oh they’re manipulative? What are they going to do hypnotize me with their ass and titties?” This person proceed to go on a rant about how they want to have sex with Scarlet, but she won’t let them. Extremely disgusted and repulsed by this entire interaction I removed them from my life. What they seem to forget I have dated this individual. I love them at a point. Going through great lengths to re-write and have others re-read my work to not come off disrespectful. I am not pro-disrespecting.

At the end of the first run of Silhouettes Of Scarlet I felt relived. I felt accomplished. There was a sense of getting on track to let go. There was a lot of joy, at the same time I was receiving more backlash from community and friends expressing that the show lacked balance and compassion at some points. When reflecting back, i feel that first run was searching for a release. Reaching a catharsis and I done that. I wanted to tell the full story and not be ashamed of it. Not only for myself, but for my family that was sitting in the front of a sold out house. We was also met with great reviews too.

I Hope You Find Your Way Home, CHROMAKOPIA.

August 2024, Sebastian, spoke to me and P.L. about remounting the show at The Paramount, however due to business conflicts at the time we moved to the Gardena Cinema to create a hybrid experience. Itzel Jauregui who was our bassist during the first run became a lead music director. Sebastian took lead on getting financials in place. Krystal Nova and Yara took lead on Executive producing alongside me and Sebastian. All of us tagged teamed on filming. The multi-media idea was Sebastian's idea. For this show we incorporated film, live scoring, live performances, live acting and more.

Taking note of criticisms we also collectively reworked the angle of the show by having James go into Therapy to deconstruct his grief and what occurred. To achieve this on my end personally I had to get to a place of showing compassion to Scarlet from afar and gaining a sense of self-respect. I achieved that by refraining from talking about it as much. Also viewing the situation as two humans not knowing how to communicate or interact with each other. To this day, I will say I could’ve done better handling things. It takes two to tango. You decide to tango or not. I could’ve very well walked away. I often struggle with self-doubt regarding if I’m doing the right thing or not. I often allow others to control me with their perspectives because i don’t want to come off as unreasonable or stubborn or not a “student” of life. I have a unquenchable thirst for understanding, searching for answers that 9 times out of 10 get me in trouble. You don’t have to search for an answer for everything.

Even when you get the answers you were looking for, is it something you can truly handle? 

November 2024, I got a reiki session. So many gems and things uncovered in this process I wasn’t ready to hear. In specific there were 4 things that stood out:

1) The practitioner said they saw a demon in the corner of the room playing God and enforcing self-doubt. On par with being controlled by other perspectives. 2) We did an exercise on intuition. The practitioner had me stand up straight with arms folded on my chest and ask myself a question. Forward means agree. Backwards means disagree and no movement is neutral or indifferent. They asked me do you agree with peace. I leaned forward. Then asked me do you agree with war. My body stood still. Meaning I don’t like war, I won’t ignite it, but if forced in a position I will engage and end it. 3) At my heart chakra they seen a woman’s hand grabbing it and pulling it back. Signaling my situation with Scarlet has some sorrow of hold on me still. That leads to the fourth thing that stood out as they are related. Seeing that hand grabbing the heart chakra, the practitioner asked me what do i feel the hand represent? I explained my story, and they broke it down to me that I am a survivor of domestic violence. I was in denial about it.

That night after rehearsal I called a hot line that was given to me and I tried to play it off cool like “this domestic violence stuff ain’t real.” The in-take person on the line said “yeah it definitely sounds like you experienced domestic violence.” I never completed the in-take. I focused on the show. Admittedly I was running, because i didn’t want it to be real. I spoke to a couple friends about it but thats it. 

Man At The Garden, GNX.

Silhouettes Of Scarlet a successful one night only show at Gardena Cinema selling 450-500 tickets. Since then no drama or anything occurred. I am prioritizing my health more. Separating myself from any and everyone that isn’t in alignment of my highest good.

That brings us to this today. This new iteration, currently I struggle with war and peace. I been a space of peace lately. I never understood peace comes with uncomfortable feelings. Eerily similar to themes presented in the reiki session. So many emotions I ignored the past two years started coming up. I’m battling my ego on whether or not staying where I’m at or addressing those emotions head on. Part of it is putting my ego aside and telling myself everything is real. Addressing those emotions comes with confronting certain individuals like the person that made the disgusting “hypnotizing” comment. I was in such a trance regarding survival that when it happened I ignored any and all disrespect. I denied my feelings. The tensions in my body and now I feel it all. Every last bit of it. What I am experiencing now is the anger stage of grief. 

April 23rd, 2025 rehearsal.

This has gotten to the point of utilizing discernment more. Being unapologetic with that discernment and having the hard conversations of asking what are your intentions with me and distancing myself from people. Sadly, the level of safety I felt from the past with some friends isn’t exactly there anymore. Thats a hard pill to swallow. I maybe clouded by my anger. Admittedly, some vengeance. However I’m doing what I can to keep that in check. Got to remember what I’m doing this for. Silhouettes Of Scarlet as a community is built upon trust, honesty, authenticity and impact. What are we here to do as a production? What do we want?

We want to cultivate a space where people can be themselves at their most authentic and provide opportunities to local communities around us. Give kids an opportunity to put this show on their resume as stage hands or whatever position they worked. Curate more shows to give local artists a platform to share their work. Our expansion with this is going to colleges and universities giving theater production 101 crash course on everything that goes into producing a show. We got asked by a couple entities already. 

It’s simply amazing what a little courage of telling your truth, one story. Can do. With all the backlash and continuing to push forward to make something of myself and the opportunities for my community I tend to ask silently, "Community, are you happy for me?"

I boldly ask my community, do you really understand these stories and how it has effect me and other black men going through the same thing? or am I just another black man screaming in the void, because "everyone goes through these things?" or it's too taboo? or it's too intense? That's how I been feeling lately. I'll go as far to say what are you doing to ensure the safety of other sharing their stories?

I literally survived all of these situations. Can you celebrate with me by simply not invalidating my experiences? That's all I ask for. I never expected the show to get this far. That is a blessing. What I am searching for is for me to validate myself and for others to leave me the fuck alone or actually give me a chance to speak my truth to their faces.

I'm still here.