Mother I Sober.

I finally said it. Out loud. To a room full of people locked into every word, visual and meaning behind presentation. The fact that life has truly never been the same since 2022. The fact that my abuser assaulted me and community leaders done nothing.

Photo by PNGPURPP

In all honesty, sharing that part of the story. No one in the Orchestra, staff and crew knew except the music director I was going to share this letter I written to Scarlet. The real life Scarlet. I been sitting on it for awhile. I forsure didn’t want to say it during rehearsal. Literally up until the last week of rehearsals is when I finally revealed to the crew whats been going on with me internally. Its such a strange thing to grapple with. Thinking back to the winter when I couldn’t look my mother in the eye and tell her whats going on, I was terrified like man when moms see me reading this letter to my abuser what she’s going to do? Or think? My mom didnt come but my sister did. I have to understand the truth often heals, but can break hearts at the same time. Very rarely it strikes a middle ground or at least in my experience. The consequence to every action or decision made.

Nothing hasn’t really hit yet. Certain executives we been eyeing showed up to see the show. I’m nervous as all hell about it. Something i learned navigating this music business that its a mine field. Every small detail of where you are stepping, where you going, how you going has to be analyzed to the upmost degree. Funny enough, within myself I get nervous about making the wrong move all the time and i see my co-workers do the same thing and engage in over-explaining. We mirror each other. I’m a little more internal with it. I bring this about because I been having more conversations about the people that entire in our lives are literally a direct reflection in someway shape or form. It might be small, it might be big, but i think behaviors can lock in a connection subconsciously. Point is, the key to elevating in self-improvement. In a situation of mirrors what are you doing to clear up that fog? Or in other words bring up the person next to you going through something similar but in a different way.

Lets take the Silhouettes community for example. Yes I am in a leadership position, but the key is to give and take. How do you learn from those around you? The journaling exercise at the beginning of every rehearsal. Everyone being vulnerable with whats going in their lives then time to time someone would ask “what about you Chris?” I would tell myself, “I have to get yall through this session. I have to make sure yall good. Maybe sharing whats happening in my head would bring everyone down.” Everyone’s dedication to themselves and self-work has inspired me to just say it. Say the thing. Whatever it is and trust it won’t be taken advantage of.

Through this process I realize I’m even more sensitive than I thought initially. At a festival me and the SOS Orchestra performed at I saw a friend I haven’t seen in months. We were super close at one point then just stop communicating. I was super in my head thinking “did i do something wrong? I must have done something wrong.” I’m not nice to myself and in return with that mirror I can not be nice to others or project an energy thats not present. In this story with my friend, i caught up with her for 5 minutes and she said “i know, i know i just been really busy i done like 16 gigs in a month.”

I recall a time friends begging for my attention. Getting upset im running around. Now here I am doing the same shit those old friends are doing. On the inside I feel terrible. I feel like i don’t deserve friends. I reassured her that she can come to me with anything and I got her back. Amidst dealing with that, I flat out was in close proximity to people I don’t like. I was somewhat anxious, because I know I have a temper. Especially the timing, a week from that moment was showtime for Silhouettes Of Scarlet. I never understand why people would waste precious time rewriting someone else’s narrative or hyper fixated on someone else’s narrative. The guest artist on my set for Kanto Corner felt the tension between me and that group of people. Artists on my team even felt off. My guard probably set off a chain reaction for everyone to be on guard. Mirrors.

I just have to be careful. It sucks because it feels like again I can’t show emotion or else everything would explode. There was miscommunication issues between the team and business ventures and we almost lost the show. Me and my producer had to sit on the phone for two hours with the business we dealing with to clear up. Then the night before show, i revisited that letter to Scarlet. Messaged the music director I have something i want to share before the final number. Thing is I rewritten that letter so many times. Just for myself since back in December.

Photo by Gwen

Its a thing of releasing energy. How do you tell someone how much they hurt you without them being present? Scarlet is gone. She might lurk in different ways, but in the physical world we havent seen each other since last summer it was random. And thats where the concept of this new album as well as the script for Silhouettes Of Scarlet at The Regent came from. When the quiet comes, what you do with those emotions when you’re yourself? How do you feel? What do you envision? It doesn’t have to be something as extreme as my case with sexual assault, but it can be anything. Someone that pissed you off. The conversation you want to have. The fears you want to face. Its about confrontation. Its about being apologetically “aggressive.” Why hold back? Thats how this system controls people by shaming the natural aggressive nature of humans when triggered or feeling strongly about something.

I pretended that stage that night was my room. At home looking at the obituaries of loved ones. Replaying voicemails. Recalling emotions. Scared. Screaming. Crying. Playing music. Dancing. Being pensive. Everything during that hour and some change runtime are things i still do at home. Yes even fall and hurt myself haha. If you were there at the show Saturday, I had this wild fit on with two single roses attached to the side of my green pants. A tank top, red suspenders, gold hoop earrings, a black blazer and black suede cowboy heels. I like weird shit okay? Haha. We were doing a warm uplifting number, and it was dark on stage to where i couldnt see the crowd. So i jumped in that mothafucka and told everyone to clap to my rhythm. I was trying to run, but i slipped and fell. Some people went “OOOO” i got up did the same shit and feel again hahaha. Then i got my black ass up.

But i learned a valuable lesson: dont perform in cowboy heels not because support aint there, but my big toes are SWOLLEN AS HELL. I had a nail day right after the show my toes so messed up i couldn’t really walk on it.

Throughout the process for this run, my sister asked me “are you proud of yourself yet?” Me and her don’t talk much, but when we do it’s significant. I know it maybe difficult to believe but i am a community person. I don’t know how else to put it. I love helping others. Im not no fool though and letting anyone in my world like that, but if i got something i’ma share it. We got the regent? Say less. I’m putting people on and its not about an “you owe me” type shit. Its a “lets be humans together.” For the longest of time if you been reading this blogs you know I talk about my constant desire to feel human. To be around people that make me feel human or on a similar path of understanding themselves and have a quench for that.

I know some weren’t fans of the runtime of the entire night, and i meant no disrespect. Everyone loved the acts to be clear. I also know what to do the next time. Im just a big fan of providing opportunity to authentic people and everyone killed that shit. I’m so proud of everyone from the featured artists, to justified media, the regent staff and crew, our production team, our sponsors. Its a lot of work and i dont want it to go unnoticed. I know what its like to put in so much and feel forgotten. Now that i say it, its weird. I never do well with compliments. When i first walked in the after party, people started cheering and i just felt awkward about it. I appreciate the love. Its just i dont know. A bit difficult to accept?

I just always been the type of person to say “theres more to do, dont get comfortable” to myself. After months of grind and planning for this show, making history as the first musical to perform in this theater the first thing on my mind, the next day is: alright i gotta finish this album, i gotta make this pitch, i gotta finish setting up tour etc. and its like nigga stop. Take it in.

Before the after party, my sister asked me again, “are you proud of yourself? I know you proud of everyone else, but what about you?” I was too overwhelmed to say anything. I got interviewed and the first thing out my mouth was my flowers to everyone. In an odd way, i’m erasing myself or I’m forgetting about myself. I don’t know why. As i said in countless interviews, my mission lies in the art and the storytelling. I know everything else is gonna follow through. God has shown me that. Its so easy to get caught up in ego. I seen it with my peers. I hear stories from niggas i barely met. A friend kept telling me you deserve your flowers and every-time i just freeze. I dont know why. I guess i’m just content or comfortable? When i got off stage immediately asked someone that was taking pictures of my crew “hey did the story resonate? Did it make sense?” I get hyper fixated on the work rather than asking myself how did i feel about performing and saying what I said?

Photo by PNGPURPP

I really got on stage in a packed room of 200-300 people share a personal story/note saying i was sexually assaulted, i’m sad, im trying to pull myself up, i love my friends but i dont trust them, i go back and forth about Scarlet in my head to myself so much. Now how did I feel? Answer is right now, i dont know. Its going to take a lot of rest. I’m in a numbing place (beside my swollen big toes.) i think Grief can be numbing. Thats the lesson here. You say what it is, but there’s a disconnect in the feeling of it.

There’s a artist I met weeks back, called me last night to conduct business and we was getting to know each other more as humans. I hate doing business with people and don’t really know them as a person. So i love going deep with people. Thats just me. But in conversation sharing my story the artist was geeking out because we resonated with each other. Mirrors. Breaking down how to identify emotions based on what we went through respectfully and not to ignore them was huge for them and a reminder for myself. I’m back at square one. Alright i feel numb. Ignoring it would look like getting back to work.

Interrogation would like this: journaling. Say it all. The numbness of not wanting to feel accomplished and want to praise others. Do i want praise? Or what does praise look like for me? How can I be proud of myself and how can get to that active step of being? Actively tell myself, yeah you did that Chris. Is there guilt associated? Okay maybe, i dont want to be perceived as arrogant. I always HATED arrogance. Can’t stand it. Believe in yourself sure, but being top dog don’t give agency to act like a piece of shit. I seen that pretty often. How can I be proud of myself without going to arrogant territory? Thats the question i get stuck at. This is what the thought process looks like for me.

I hate to say it, but i’m glad my mother didn’t see this version of the show. She saw all other versions but this one. This was definitely the darkest out of the four iterations of Silhouettes Of Scarlet. If you’re new to the show, everytime we do a performance its a different storyline surrounding my grief. These are 100 percent real stories that occurred when dealing with the lost of my Dad and Scarlet. Its been a very dark 3 years. I seen the light and its shining brighter than ever before. Maybe thats why i give so much praise and grateful for everyone around because i feel i wouldn’t be here. The artist I spoke to yesterday telling them I almost went to a psych ward. That it was between that and going to open up for one of my favorite artists overseas its been a lot.

I think this period of rest I need to focus on grounding myself better. I think i made members of my team a little nervous with me running around a ton day of the show. When the opening acts were going i felt better than earlier that day definitely.

For me again its about respect. Giving it. Earning it. Showing it.

I know exactly what’s next in store.

And i wanna be able to accept what i need to wholeheartedly, without paranoia. Hate in my heart. It’ll be a huge lie to say that part of my heaviness nowadays comes for my anger towards situations i can’t control.

I want to be more God like as people around get older. My grandmother still here. Hopefully maybe, sober up for my mom and tell her what has happened to me. My father never knew anything. My days of homelessness, no money, struggling.

I just strive to be a better son, a better friend, a better community member and partner (for future partners.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vo89NfFYKKI