AIN’T GIVIN’ UP, IT’S BEEN AWFUL

Just to get this out the way first. If you’re reading this because you’re scared of what I’m going to say or think ima waste my time talking about you, understand you are invading a space built for others and myself to reflect on more important matters. Now moving along:

When I get done with these major shows and take a break the thing I look forward to the most is time spent with friends, family and if i muster the courage, myself. I immediately thought of my friends I met back in 2021 to see whats going on with them and their growing family. They had a child now 3 years old and unfortunately due to me touring, traveling and feeling overwhelmed I missed the birth of their child. Seeing the family the last couple times really warms my heart. It reminds me my personal goals of starting a family and having a couple kids down the line.

I sincerely feel the love in the room, Admittedly, I was kind of embarrassed and felt bad I missed it. I have a habit of missing out on a lot of things being overly consumed by whats in front of me. Due to how things get set up, urgency is required almost around the clock. Which is why, when my grandmother fell a couple times earlier this year the fear in the back of my head was: “I am going to have another repeat of 2023? Where before my biggest shows I have a major loss in my world?”

Now I never told this family my insecurity, let alone much about my absence. Its no one’s business, but what hold me back from fully expressing myself is judgment. This fear is disappearing for a moment in time to handle something then to come back and everything is different. The connections we have with one another is different. All of it. That goes back to my disdain for change. If you’re new here, I always hated change. Its a natural thing and things have to evolve gradually. I want to grow. Growth requires separation a lot of times, whether its people, habits, places and things.

I had a thought returning to this open mic, Sunday Jump in Filipinotown of Los Angeles, it might be time to leave. I been coming around for 4 years and a good majority of people I came with left or i’m no longer cool with. Its great seeing new faces, hearing new stories, but something is telling me change is here. I can’t ignore it. It really made me sad. Coming into Sunday Jump during the first few months, I gained some of the most light-hearted stories. I mean its a new space and community in my eyes at the time. Its 2022. New friends, new crushes (yes the lover boy side was alive and well), new language. Just new everything. I remember one story (this is kinda NSFW by the way) a chunk of us went to this bar down the street from SJ. My very first one. I still didnt know who to talk to, or interact with I was a loner. I just went because i heard a lot of people are going to be there.

A girl who we just gonna call Sabrina (not their real name) just approached me and struck up a conversation. Then another person came up and started randomly talking about kink. Before I knew it, about 20 people surrounded my table where I was once sitting by myself talking about sex, BDSM and kink openly. Despite me feeling really uncomfortable because I don’t talk about sex at all, it was definitely a strange bizarre moment in time, but i made some new friends.

I remember another time where a few new friends and I traveled to San Diego to get some game from our mentor, Joe Limer. During that trip, i was shitting bricks because I traveled down with a crush at the time. This same crush I saw at a party weeks earlier watching her get carried away by a guy while saying “byeee chrisss” haha. That situation was soul crushing and funny as all hell at the same time. Anywho, I stayed with friends at Joe’s while she went back to LA after an event. I told her i had feelings on the phone. We talked it through during her drive back to LA. She turned me down, but when I think of that time period, situations like that it just puts me in a better mood. I can’t really explain it. Nostalgia I guess. Shit just really fell apart after pops passed and I was in a bad relationship

However much like my time in Monterey County from 2011-2018, im feeling that energy kind of fleeting from me. I return to Monterey once or twice a year and get that feeling back, but i can’t stay too long. During 2018-2021, change was knocking on my door as a transitional period. I knew it was imminent. No denying it. I was job to job. Repeating the same shit everyday, and all it took was one person to reach out and say “hey.” That “hey” changed everything the last 5 years. This just so happened to be around the time, my music group broke up too.

Being introduced to this group of 30-40 year old adults that had a bright child-like wonder to them. Spending Christmas, holidays, movie nights, game nights together. They maintained their innocence when it came to the dark shit that came with life and changes that come about. There was a few times where folks broke out into song, singing the sailor moon theme. I miss those days. Being in that type of environment, I struggled often to open up. Others around at the time felt I was really in-tuned with my emotions when the reality was the complete opposite.

Didn’t know how to feel because again never been around so many people thats just open like that. On top of just to address the elephant in the room, no one looked like me. As many wanna think “oh here we go, the race card” just imagine coming from a place using slang all the time to a different place using slang and no one understands what you’re saying or talking about. I understand everyone else because the code-switching techniques needed to maneuver through rooms, but not many get my world. I bet some didn’t really expect for me to be so heavily into video game culture or anime. Some of you reading this now probably didn’t even know. My entire first album thematically, talking about religion, time travel, science fiction was all inspired by the anime “Tokyo Revengers.” Part of the psychological aspects of Silhouettes Of Scarlet was pulled from anime shows I seen.  It’s phenomenal the amount of creativity cultivated to pull off the stories for these shows and make it make sense. Perfect examples like Solo Leveling, Classroom Of The Elite, Leaving Foreverland, Future Diary. Super dope to see and incredibly inspirational.

But going back to the topic of that group, I can’t be around anymore because of tension between me and a couple others (really just one person.) It feels as if when life got extremely real for me with my pops passing, everyone just vanished or the foundation was breaking. I scramble to put the pieces back together. No more of staying at people’s houses, watching movies late etc. just all died suddenly. There’s another space I don’t want to talk too much about. Its like a “if you know, you know” ordeal. Attending felt like home until it didn’t anymore. That in particular felt as if my safety was compromised and from there I had to make a move of removing myself. I hated every second of it. Its just damn man, did yall ever cared?

Recently, I spoke to an old college friend. Its been 13 years. Honestly me and her weren’t really close at all. If I remember correctly I only really saw her around for one year. I been seeing her talk about mental health a ton the past few months and part of me was like man I want to reach out but I don’t want to get in the way. Much like this crush current situation I got that I may just end up leaving alone completely, because i’m scared of getting in their way. To be honest, with all my love/romantic situations I feel myself growing increasingly terrified of getting in people’s way but this a entirely different discussion.

Anyways, back to my college friend: we get on the phone and she asked me whats going on (we had a short conversation about what the topic was just saying for context) and mid-way talking I found myself dumping/unloading all this pinned up icky feelings about everything from the last 4-6 years. I apologized and caught myself doing this subconsciously. Honestly, i been catching myself more and more. In the previous blog, I shared that I didnt tell my own cast and community whats been happening with me regarding my grandmother, Scarlet etc. Before I even said anything to anyone there I got hit with “Chris, you really been going through a lot” from a few people. In this rest period, i wanted to peel back what exactly “a lot” is. I do talk about several things here, however, I constantly fail to admit what Im holding onto and just feel that shit.

For example, that friend group that held their innocence together and have fun. I’m still holding onto that grief because I haven’t spoken to anyone there as to why I left. I just told one person I can’t be around anymore and to take me out of the group chats. What I truly want is fully express why I can’t be around. Maybe that’ll make the feelings go away. Its been a few months since complete separation. But been about two years since I last seen everyone because of my work schedule.

My college friend, even hit me with the: “damn you been through a lot.” She proceeded to say, and i’m super paraphrasing this: “in no way i’m trying make this sound light or anything, but maybe Scarlet brought you vulnerability.” Thinking about it, I was super timid before Scarlet. That story I shared at the beginning of this blog, where I was in the middle of the bar and everyone talking about kink is an example. I didn’t have anything to say in that conversation. I didn’t know what to say in that conversation. I gained a lot of nerve putting out songs that be deemed reckless or violent or hell even the musical if it hasn’t been for the emotional turmoil.

The musical took up so much time and energy. I honestly rarely had room for other projects and just to be human. This is the reason why I haven’t been able to create a new solo album in two years ( along with some deconstructing I had to do.) In no way im saying I’m regretting it, i’m saying I need to maintain a better pace in all aspects of my life, and remember I don’t owe anyone anything. I keep telling myself I owe everyone that works with me something because I don’t have the money to properly pay, but everyone is here by choice and I am so grateful. I have to remember that. What it comes down to is I put a lot of pressure on myself. Easing off of that will create a healthier lifestyle for me. I mean along with visiting my friend’s family, I entered into other spaces and felt right at home. Its all in the building stages, but it feels good.

I’m in the “feeling everything” stage. Going back to “getting in the way” I understand part of it is Sabotage. If I stop myself, I dont have to deal with big feelings. I can stay in this bubble I made for myself and not grow. Everything will be uncomfortably comfortable. I would want something then getting too close becomes unbearable. Im scared of dragging people through that, I’m also aware this is no way to live life. I can’t be in this bubble, part of this is unapologetically holding myself accountable. Doing the things I’m afraid of and when making a mistake to own up to it rather than blaming my ignorance. My confession is: I absolutely HATE talking about whats going on with me. I do. I pause and stop a lot every time I do because it feels like i’m taking up space which goes back to reconnecting with my college friend and the emotions there.

Even the good parts of whats going on. I went to a filipino festival last weekend where the homie Kaz introduced me to Ruby Ibarra (man I been a fan since 2016, I sent beats and everything to her back in the day never heard back lol, but i aint taking it personal just business) But Kaz was adamant about “yo every person I’m introducing you to, Im talking about the musical and what you done so far. Its incredible.” If it was me introducing myself to people I would’ve taken the “make myself smaller” approach because I dont wanna accidentally make myself seem better than or bigger than someone else. Its a thing of being mindful and respectful of space. Navigating this quite often few people recognized me saying “you’re the guy with the musical! Man I been watching you!” I get shocked. My whole thing with this show is truthfully to heal, help my folks and accept all the positive that come with it. I still actively struggle with everything i talk about in the show. To see it resonates in a way that helps people or inspires people is all a blessing.

Being unapologetically proud of myself is something else i need to work on too. Just because i been through a lot, doesn’t mean I can’t pat myself on the back and say “good job.”

I finished this new album thats currently in the mixing/mastering stages. All of the “been through a lot” emotions are on there and I made sure everyone feels it rather than just telling the story. You get both. The story and feelings. I think this might be the album to set it off for me.

But for now I rest. I rebuild. Hopefully, by the next time I update this blog you’ll have a new solo single from me. Its honest. Its raw. At the same time it’s upbeat. The homie of mine called it a masterpiece. My 4th solo album, I can’t believe its here.

I know its going to be great giving back to myself.