Run A Train, The Fall Off.

Its something about being chosen. What do we put our importance on? People? Family/friends, business, clout, love, connection, partnership etc.

The most glaring truth i have encountered over the last few weeks is I get offended very easily if i’m not chosen in any capacity. Its a odd revelation. It started with getting back into the dating scene a little. Someone i’m in the talking stages with deliberately chose me. Its very uncomfortable. I’m not used to being chased after. I mean yes, people have shot their shot and I’ve given chances. I also have respectfully declined. None of those dating partners/relationships/connections have chased me though. Not in a vanity way though of buying me things, but more so the emotional closeness. I’ve always wanted that emotional closeness with people. No matter what kind of connection it is. I yearn for it. I want it. Now that its here admittedly i’m a little scared. Its almost like i’m waiting tor the next bad thing to happen. Somehow I downgraded my value based on how important someone views me in their life. If people don’t view me as important in the same way I view them then i spiral. I guess the thing i question and tell myself: “are the things i’m doing not enough? Me having a history of showing up and giving so much, have i not done the work?”

It can be traced back to a deep issue or conversation surrounding black men in America. Black men typically attach their value to providing. In other words, if you cant provide then you are less than. You aren’t worthy, and aren’t deserving of anything. I don’t have a car. I hustle bus to bus to get to the places/meetings/jobs I need to get to. I don’t let anything be an excuse as to why I can’t make moves and accomplish what I need to do. When I was in a relationship with Scarlet, she had a salary job. Can afford a townhouse (with one roommate) in one of the most wealthy places in LA County. At the time I held down three jobs. A theater technician position, spot at a poetry company (fuck you Hiram circa 2023-present), and a teaching job. I had nowhere NEAR enough. She said it was okay but deep down i felt worthless. Yeah I was getting opportunities with my artistry and the first one in my circle to travel, tour etc. but that wasn’t no stability when we talking about money. When we talking about providing. Kinda think of it, i think i overcompensate by being too emotionally available. Making sure everyone is okay at all times. Do what I can without money involvement.

I remember my first polyamorous dynamic I traveled to Oakland to meet up with someone i was dating. We had a plan to meet up at her show then go to Monterey. I paid for food, the hotel and she said she was gonna rent a car. Not only she didn’t get the car and we was stuck in Oakland a little I paid for the ride to Monterey and didn’t get a thank you. She didn’t want to emotionally connect. I try to talk to her she was just mute. Even prior to the trip she wasn’t really communicating. Its just man. The other partners I showed up in different ways and it just didn’t work. It feels like nothing I do with anyone is enough.

Two years ago, dated someone and in the middle of it all wanted to call it quits after me doordashing her food because someone broke into her car, stole money, valuables and more. I was in the middle of a work meeting on the otherside of town. I made time. A complaint i got was: “you’re too intense.” For caring? Should I not give a fuck about people? Romance aside. Lets just talk human beings for a second. Since when its a crime or issue to step in when someone is under distress? To take accountability as a fellow neighbor? I had a friend tell me recently people were giving him shit, when he offered to console a fast food worker who was having a bad day. Whats wrong with that?

Literally just in the middle of a event recently and thought “should I say bye” To someone i had my eye on for awhile? It sucks i have to watch my “intensity” levels. I been getting back into dating recently. Trying to be open to the idea of getting to know more people. Its a fucked up thought to think, but i’m not sure if a lot of folks can handle (not only to emotional intensity) but the lifestyle i’m in now. However it would be so unfair to not give others and myself the chance.

Everything just gets more and more intense by the day. Grandma is still living with us. I dont have a problem with it. Its just the PTSD of hearing the floor creek at night when she goes to the restroom. I get terrified that she fell again. Since she fell, we took her to 5 different doctors and they all said she needs to stop falling, the next one could be fatal. In addition to that, making sure things with Silhouettes is going smoothly. The team, Seb, Itzel and Xochi been putting belt to ass making sure the ship stay afloat. The new deals coming in is anxiety inducing. Not due to the amount of work, but the shock of it all. Like, our lives really about to change. I have many nights where I cry to myself because its just.. yo. I constantly pray for my grandma, my mom and sister to be able to see whats about to be made. Aside from that and taking of the village, nothing else matters. Legacy comes with all this. I get scared of slipping up.

The last couple rehearsals i been forgetting lyrics. I have the point of view that when you write a story, or something that hits home it’ll forever live in your body. The lyrics to this musical was written at the beginning of 2023. I never fumbled up until now. Its not a thing of falling out of love or anything like that. I do question if I reached the healing status i been searching for. I written a letter to Scarlet. I haven’t sent it. Not sure I ever will, but its here. I say everything i always needed to. With that, i’m on the same bill as members of the community that turned the other way when revealing what was done soon in a week or so. Again I didn’t give a name, its just the sheer disappointment of not being believed and not doing anything to help the people supposedly care for. Not sure what may come about on that performance day, but I have to stand tall and firm on my own, as I’ve constantly done outside the space.

Honestly, lately it’s making me look at other people closer to me a little funny. Me being black and having a certain experience/world view I feel no one of a different background has the right to tell me how to look at something based on their experience. Example, the stereotype of the angry black man if im upset the label that’ll be placed upon me will undoubtedly be violent in comparison to another ethnic background. I kinda feel im being told what feel versus just being heard. The mutual 100 percent understanding will never be there just because we dont come from the same places. Instead of engaging there becomes the question of will this spark new drama? So i fall back and just become distant.

I reconnected with an old friend couple weeks ago, and it was gut wrenchingly emotional. Fucked up thing about it, honest truth, not entirely sure if I’m the only one that felt so hurt. I was crying mid-conversation, because i didnt want to lose them as a friend. My pattern with relationships and friendships I over give then becomes a thing if I’ll ever get that same level back. Then I wrestle with myself thinking it’s selfish to be expect that same level attention back because I’m built a certain way. I don’t know what’s true on this currently. However, in this situation with my friend we are from two different backgrounds and upbringings. They grew up in the suburbs. Certain slang I use they are extremely clueless about. My struggles with softness and interacting with my environment from that place makes me resentful, because it’s like fuck how can I let someone see me for me?! Our conversation lasted a few hours from the car to their place. Could barely look at each other in the eye. They asked questions of how do I allow people to see me. Its all fear.

The greatest euphoric feeling of the human experience is be loved and understood. To be understood is to be seen. To be seen, people have to choose to acknowledge you and thats where the un-comfortability starts. How do I get the people im interacting with to acknowledge me without quickly dismissing my experience? At the end of it all, we left on a good note experiencing that its not goodbye but see you later stating their distance needed. However, I do want to talk again, because certain things didn’t sit right with me. Once again, the idea of “will you acknowledge me” pops up and thats a me problem, because i’m projecting a deep wound. I told this friend sometimes I get scared often that I thrown away opportunities I wanted thats related to family. Being a father someday is so important to me and i know its not time yet. Everything is a patience game. Its just seeing my niece, the anniversary of my brother’s death earlier this month, my grandmother’s health issues just feel like the clock is always ticking. The more I pour into career the more guilt i feel. Then comes the battle again, over-giving versus giving to myself. Its tricky. Thoughts of capacity. Its all a lot.

I made a song called “a f***ed up love song” on my forthcoming album. I was finally able to talk about how i can’t think about my Dad without thinking about Scarlet. The longing for old time periods. Specifically 2022. The last lines of the song I said, “If i take her back, my father will you wake up? Your son needs you now more than ever.” Thats a real thought. If I reach back to a time period he was alive would that make everything go back to normal? Would I be able to have all my friends back? Kinda like a curse. It all started because i veered off into a particular direction. Thing is though, do I really want things to go back to the way it was? Be around some people that secretly or didnt have capacity to respect me? Even back then there was wild things happening, but not as fragmented. When it gets chaotic in a communal sense, it just means you going in the right direction. I learned from all my adversities or extract something from them.

A old college friend suggested scheduling. As in i’m off balance due to curating so much energy into one thing: my career. The work addiction. This reminds me of teaching  90 LAUSD teachers last Thursday the importance of emotional intelligence for 8 hours. The balancing act of having to processing and give to self versus giving to others. Turns out a lot of teachers struggle with this and some don’t even want to admit there’s a problem. I’ve gotten eye rolls. Grumpy body language etc. then I had the nerve to use my situation of being sexually assaulted and raped as a example of needing to sit and process. It took me three years to understand that happened due to denial. Processing and taking control of that no one can say that narrative isn’t real.

It’s wild, but just as much I am on offense mode, there is some defense. I don’t care who’s in my circle if I sense someone telling me my experience isn’t real then there will be distance. However to my surprise the courses went really well. So well i didnt really get to do my whole lesson and LAUSD wants to hire me. Instead of it being such a heavy course i tried to touch on lighter emotions and keep it balanced. The idea of us as complex human beings since our adolescent years. Something for them to take back to the classroom.

I got 19 days til game day for this Silhouettes Of Scarlet show. When news breaks (if i’m allowed to share the big deals going on) i’ll definitely share here my thoughts. Above all i am grateful to be alive and kicking as much as possible. Just want my family to see nothing has gone to waste.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=54IiixonHhw