Ever since being home I can honestly say I feel radiant. Happy. I dance when alone. Don’t give a fuck who’s looking. I give more appreciation to art I create.
Of course I still grieve my father, but I feel whole. I give that to me.
I completely shifted my mindset to focus on the abundance of things I already have, which has attracted more great things to come into fruition that’s not rooted in opportunity. I feel true abundance comes in growth of self. Maybe that’s just me. Growth is priceless. Once you grow in building your foundation, you can’t shrink. When acquiring new tools, and revisit old tools know there’s a purpose for every tool even if it one doesn’t apply to a particular situation. That is priceless. Knowledge.
My ability to choose is what gets me going now. I know that I can how I live with my spiritual guidance and walk with God. My current has been thoughts of audacity. I feel life is about the audacity or the dare to do. We have the audacity to wake up, move, perform, carry out tasks, carry light, carry trauma, carry love, give love and dream every single day. Every moment. I want to encourage everyone to continue maneuvering in such a space. That's where abundance is found.
Friends I been around since returning saying “it’s great to see you like this.” I never know what to say, but I just keep smiling. I remember when I was a kid, me and my Dad clowned on each other all day long. Then randomly start throwing out jokes. Pops was mad funny. His energy is what actually brings out that best part of myself. Carefree. Having fun. Just being ridiculous. Even with a ton of work to do, at the moment I choose to vibrate higher. I think a big part is also acknowledging when I'm tired. I shut everything down and instead of spiraling over work I think about how much I accomplished. Easier said than done, but it works for me. I have to say thought, I find peace to be uncomfortable, but being uncomfortable is a sign of moving in the right direction.
I’m back on my exercise regiment. 65 minutes a day on the treadmill with high speed and incline. 3 sets of 10 gauntlet workouts afterwards.
Interview with KNWK 97.7 FM. Reno, Nevada. 4/21/2023
Thinking about the CSU Monterey Bay performance May 19th with the crew I feel that’s my Victory Lap. As an undergraduate on the come up I was looking for anyone to get my foot in the door into People’s hearts at the cost of my own. I performed at the Graduation as a poet. They gave me the chance to do one poem. They didn’t cut a check. Years later they giving a whole set and cutting a check. Thinking about that very poem I performed I feel compelled to share the successor to that piece here called “Love letter Pt.2.” I performed this piece at a Black Gala in Monterey County opening up for Kevin Willmott, the writer for Spike Lee’s BlacKKKlansman movie in 2020. Taking a bold stance against the university. I have not performed or shared this poem since.
Love Letter Pt.2 written in 2020 (TW mentions of Sexual Assault and Racism):
It’s the same ol shit
with these
populace of pigeons
ignore community
mental illness
stemmed from
executive orders
in a vicious cycle
where professors struggle
under paid
and students hustle
9-5 plus full time
out of a car
with stomachs rumbling
next to a grave
No rest for the wicked
to dig up buried bones
above the base of fort ord
caged the elephants
amidst virtue signaling
activists
that lack empathy
attack the act of change
and correlate with canceling
some safe spaces
turned elitist hubs
denied black men
from flourishing
beyond imagination
hope admin see color
in the pleasantville
being created
proceed to change
the campus vision
statement under our nose
no longer serve
low-income families
that dream
strip away the uniqueness
that made CSUMB
and replace it
with a soulless business troupe
take away programs
to be considered “normal”
this innovation
you speak non-exist
in blue pills prescribed
during orientations
and on pamphlets
one tablet to focus
on fabulous beaches
two tablets
to glitch out manipulating
hotel meetings
My lil homies look up
to me
so I gotta speak it
within rhyme
and reasoning
question if
being an Alumni
from here is
worth treasuring
I found gold
in troubled souls
that roam
catacombs for indigo
and a home
return for 7 days
last fall
and heard of two suicides
a overdose
witness a student
get haul off
in the back of
an ambulance truck
when are we
going to admit
silence is killing us?
some labeled me controversial
I’m merely shedding tears
from the eye
of my storm
If all you see
is a violent river
you missing the source
one mic
to broadcast
your radio domes
among a moon shaped pool
reflecting rainbows
hailing thieves
of carpe diem
racial discrimination
since 2002
we kept
the broken pieces
fear sharp bleeding
sued for millions
A black woman
called the n-word
in 2010
students mobilize
against racism
the following year
my professor tried
to use my skin as
a genetic make-up lesson
sending the same message
willie-Lynch theorized
In some minds of UPD
Seaside, Marina and PG Police
like chief Madalone
complicit with violence
towards
people that look like me
profiling
Driving while Black
walking
on the wrong side
of the tracks
this university
isn't as inclusive
on certain seasons
time to talk about
Rape culture
as how it effects
everything
in the black community
feeling for my friends
that been raped
and beaten
when I was homeless
in 2017
a woman
attempt to stick her fingers
in me
a man grope my genitals
while working
at the campus bookstore
didn’t make
any sudden moves
to come off as
the aggressor
I been too pressed
staying quiet
being afraid of becoming
a bigger target
I written this poem
for you
to get the nerve
to speak out
and conquer
your silence
The reception was polarizing. People either really loved what I said, or hated it. I got a standing ovation and a shout from Kevin himself. I wasn’t there for shout because I was paranoid someone was coming after me. On my way off-stage I caught angry glares. Returning in a couple weeks, I feel the energy of that poem. Birth out of a love my community and people, it is an angry piece.
Where I’m at now in life now, is understanding how to feel my anger, but in the same breath letting go my anger. Detachment. Prior to performing that poem I forgot how to stand up for myself. Now, again, it's about occupying unapologetically and being mindful of course.
I spoke to a friend of mine recently, Seanya, about giving grace to others. She said each person we meet is a reflection of ourselves. So in theory, in conflict choosing the high road sometimes you giving yourself something you was unable to receive at some point in your current or past life. It’s healing. I find this to be true. I recognize I run into different people with damn near similar personalities to each and holding qualities in myself. Both good and bad.
I done an interview recently about my grief and the time period I created my album that’s scheduled for release May 26th of this month. I feel I was at my lowest point in life writing, producing and recording this project. I written, recorded and produced this entire album in one week at the mid-end of March 2023. Reflecting on the word of my friend, Thandi, again “you can’t die in creative mode.”
"sincerely, a black boy's cry." single cover art. Single out this Friday May 12th 2023.
Pre-Save HERE New Album out 5.26.2023
In this upcoming interview coming out next week, I talked about rage, sex with random people I don’t know, going back on certain morals and personal principles I carry for me in March. I don’t turn to these things at all when in such a mode so it was very concerning. Truthfully that made me take a step back while on tour. I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s a dark album too. Its hopeful. It’s an extremely mature album holding certain conversations and accountability.
DISCLAIMER: *no i don't smoke. I just know people thats gonna be "WHAT?!..." no. I don't."
Literally every-time I listen to the album, I learn more about myself. I see how far I came since recording it. That’s the impact I wish to create within myself and for others. Accomplishing that, I completed my mission. Everything will fall into place career wise sticking to that. It has been lately. Entering spaces I never been. It’s hard work, but it’s satisfying and I’m good.
I can’t really explain to the fullest extent of my current iridescence, but instead of scratching my head trying to figure out I choose bask in it and consume me. I just know I’m abundant.
Life is good.