Rollin' at Twilight, Man Down.
- Chris Siders
- Apr 12
- 6 min read
Photo by Julie Chon
Wrath is meditated. Horror is a wish.
I recently received a reminder of what love and care can feel like from friends, the influence and power you possess standing in your light/authenticity and the feeling of just being human.
I genuinely feel like an extremely different person when i’m out in Monterey with people instead of being back home in LA. Its funny I had a conversation with Miko, he asked me about times being away from LA, if it feels like a dream. Does it even feel real? I went to Las Vegas end of March to see my brother and support his baby shower. I got to see a few old friends that meant the world to me. Things that was going on internally and back home didn’t matter. Usually I let things get under my skin deeply.
I stayed up til 5am with friends just doing the most; with a flight home at 8am, just three hours later. It didn’t feel real. I got back to LA and had to jump back into performance mode, back to dealing with people I don’t like, and quite frankly i just been fed up with being treated poorly by these so-called “friends” that claim to support me, but have ulterior motive to just be around me for their own personal gain. Some just dangle things over my head subtly. Some kinda just lurk thinking I don’t notice the off-ness in their behaviors.
One can only go so far without calling someone or an entity out (or in) by name. My problem is checking my ego at times. More-so, are you in such a space and mode, to where you doing it out of love? Or anger to satisfy your pettiness? I went to Monterey this past weekend and my OG asked me “since when crashing out ever worked?” The question was posed as a way for me to review the actions my environment has taken and the actions i taken on a personal note.
This past Wednesday night, I went to Monterey with my close friend, Joey. We had great conversations about communication, friendships, connections etc. one thing she kept reminding me was the idea of being around the right person. In any connection. I yearned for that. Through our conversation I felt inspired or gained the courage to admit something I never said out-loud: In 2023, after my father passed away, and I had my issues with Scarlet, I developed a lust problem. I never really had a lust problem before; being super sexually active. For some reason, I struggle with turning that off. This idea of being too much for people, the emotions, and stories I carry and sharing them drove me to a place of almost degrading myself into a sexual object. The lust issue comes from searching for solstice or comfort that I am not what these particular individuals say I am. I prefer to get to know people before going that distance, but since I have the “too much” label on me I just disrespect the standard I have for myself.
The things we do to be heard and understood. Hurts my heart to be honest. The reassurance that the space between friends is sacred and safe. I appreciate that tons.
This particular time to return to the space (Monterey) where I actually found my voice, molding the identity of Chris Siders, being afraid to write the story was monumental for me. For a minute deep down, i think i have been losing that side of myself. I exercise my expression creatively, but not from a space of being raw. I lost sight of being unapologetic and giving autonomy for someone to say “I don’t like this”, “i disagree”, “you’re being unreasonable” etc. the entire point of being an artist is to respond to frequency and create discussion. Addressing a problem within community, pass on lessons to younger generations. While yes, I am an entertainer, which is why I have fun at my shows and make sure everyone has a good time. In my albums the goal is for to obtain something, to feel something. Chew on a thought and apply a perspective. Thats everyday life as humans. We share, in-take, respond, test and apply seeing what matches with our personal paths and goals.
My issue with living in Monterey several years ago wasn’t actually the community, it was me. I applied different perspectives none of them matched what I knew I wanted to do with my life. For example, literal families, approached me based off the work i do saying to stay in the area and do activism work. I love doing the work, but thats one side of Chris. I didn’t know how to say no. No one really taught me how to stand up for myself that didn’t involved violence. My grandmother when I got suspended from middle school for fighting her first reaction always been: “Did you beat that kid’s ass? You did? Good. Lets get you some food.”
When enacting violence i was insecure about it because i know that isnt me. Kids around gave me that label of a dangerous kid when i just wanna be treated normal. Same concept as an adult, this community I been apart of the past couple years, I gotten all kinds of labels. One that always struck a nerve with me is being labeled “intimidating.” I do admit i am a guarded person, this doesn’t mean i’m not friendly. I try not to take up space and be mindful. I’m quiet and just pay attention. The loudest in the room misses the most gems. You talk too much. You not listening to test and apply, ultimately to see what works for you. Sharing becomes a glorified activity. The loudest just strokes their ego publicly.
I don’t go looking for trouble, I somehow always found it. This doesn’t negate that I haven’t made the best decisions for myself as I definitely made mistakes.
This goes back to my OG’s question: “since when crashing out ever worked out?” Being loud. Untamed ego. Secretly I am definitely pro-crash out. I believe we live in a world people don’t listen until you are abrasively in their face. I wish it wasn’t like that. It truly sucks. I hate that I have to do the most to get your attention on an important matter, but you left me no choice because I care about this space. I haven’t gotten to such a space in damn near a decade.
Performing in Monterey, a CSUMB undergrad student expressed on stage about her frustrations with being treated human, and how no one bats an idea to issues that effect her livelihood, the people around her and the space she occupies. Actively listening to her stories reminded me where I tapped into that crash-out side of myself as a student. The things I’ve done was a response to frequency, to spark discussion, addressing an issue. I say all this to say I felt that pain she shared. I resonated. She shown power. Later that night, in the middle of my set, after performing fatherless, she was in tears. I stopped for a moment for us to collectively be present with our emotions. At the end of the night, she said she felt my Dad’s presence in the room. We spoke of authenticity. Thats how you defeat the system and/or damage it. Be authentic. Being in Monterey reassured me of that power I possess.
The day before, I taught an upper level creative writing class for juniors and seniors. The love was present in the room. The conversations of being present with our emotions, students shared poems we written in class. They even said the university should hire me as a professor. Shortly afterwards, a old student of mine sent me a message that she got accepted into Colombia University’s MFA poetry program. She shared that I inspired her to go through with it.
Photo by Julie Chon
“Since when has crashing out ever worked out?” Answer: two sides to it. Has to be done responsibility. A mistake i have made in the past I didnt do it responsibly, I don’t regret it because I accomplished what I set out to do.
Take these lessons of what it means to have power and apply it outside the university and college town environment. What does that look like for me? How can that be done responsibly? This trip has reminded me I have power. My anger is from a space of love and respect for me, those I allow in my space and spaces I occupy.
It hasn’t been a full day since returning home from this trip but it has inspired me to take action on radical honesty on a personal level. This means taking more steps to let go of people and things that are detrimental to my progress and path. Eliminate anything that stands in the way. To be unapologetic about it. I was already there this year, I feel, again, everything about this trip is reassurance.
I always been a fan of you leave your hometown to get some game, and bring it back for others. This was me leaving to get some game to bring power back to myself. This trip felt more like a dream than reality.
No more doubting and questioning parts that shine and must be removed.
In the words of Fresno Poet Laureate, Aideed Medina, "we don't get consumed by the fire, we consume the fire."
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