Ace Trumpets, Let God Sort Em Out.

I bare an desire to feel. Feel something. I don’t know when or what happened that’s causing me to struggle to feel certain emotions. Its a weird blockage happening. Example, I have a small crush currently, I typically get all excited as the lover boy I am, but that excitement isn’t exactly there. Maybe not the right person, or guarded or I have other things that aren’t address. Another example, Silhouettes Of Scarlet had an excellent third run. There wasn’t as many hiccups, and not as stressful as the previous two runs. So many great opportunities came from the show.

Now its a thing of figuring out what avenues makes sense for where we want to go. Its great to have multiple options of where to take things. I was also asked to open for an legendary rapper this year. Its happening soon. On the inside, i don’t know what’s going on with me, i’m just not all the way there in terms of excitement. Not much has gotten under my skin as well and a lot has occurred personally when it comes to friendships. Cutting off people that was once close. Distancing myself and not saying anything. All under guise of protecting my peace. I don’t feel exactly exhausted mentally. Physically my body is a lot more tired. Emotionally i’m indifferent to a lot of things.

Due to taking the helm more on Silhouettes Of Scarlet in terms of pushing the work  i haven’t really got a chance to sit and pull lessons out of it prior to the run beginning. As in what do I want to get out of this run? What is something i need to sharpen in my tool box? The previous run was understanding self-respect and compassion. I felt I achieved that by cultivating what self-respect looks like for me and putting it into practice.

This time i created the script surrounding my internal struggle with war and peace. To take action on something or not. Allowing space for anger to speak, but not roam destructively. It’s dangerous for a black man to freely express and in my experience any emotion. You too angry you become the stereotype. You give too much love people become suspicious. You too quiet you’re intimidating. You too joyful, you not taking any seriously. Something is always met with resistance. Literally mid-way through the performance while on stage, doing the new song, titled SCARLET, something hit me mentally and emotionally. The thought that came about was: “Understanding is the most important form of intimacy.” 

You cannot have an intimate relationship with someone if an understanding of everyone’s personality, emotional capacity etc. is not discussed or present. Intimacy on all levels. Family, friendship, romantic or otherwise. I realized for these friends I distanced myself from, on both sides there isn’t an understanding. They don’t understand my desire to connect emotionally, and I don’t understand how they receive. These folks have expressed admiration for my self expression or willingness to connect, but something isn’t translating well.

I want to be understood. I’m learning that’s non-negotiable. I’ll sit with you an explain myself definitely and answer any/all questions, but if there is a flat-out refusal or resistance to understand then I can’t do it. It’s tied to reciprocity because I know i’ll do the best I can to understand everyone around me. 

Lately I been sleeping on the couch in my pops man cave. Trust I absolutely love my bed, but something just been calling me to just sleep and work, write, produce all my music in this room in the house. Where his pictures, A banner with his name, An urn of his ashes are all present. Everywhere I go I keep a chain with some of his ashes inside. While anger is subsiding a bit, fears are coming up. Thoughts about my health. Thoughts my mother and sister’s health. My auntie passed away a week before the third Silhouettes Of Scarlet show. I’m getting older. My mentor is going through it. He doesn't say anything, but I feel the energy. I hear things around town. My brother just had his baby. I have a niece. I know I’m definitely going to be successful in my music career its a thing of wanting my family to experience it. To experience all the good.

I’m tired of seeing them take hits. I’m tired of taking hits of course, but man getting caught up in so much. Another fear is maybe I’m blocking myself from connection. Connecting with people, community and friends. I just know one thing that I can’t neglect how my body feels when i’m around certain people or hear a person’s name pop up randomly while out somewhere. It’s a point of needing to take action to remedy. Im not sure if all this depression is hitting me because of change. The adrenaline of getting the show ready for a couple months wore off. I don’t know. I do know I want to enjoy the simple pleasures. I been doing more with that. 

I been watching Godfather Of Harlem with my friend, WEST. Its been super chill. Geeking out of a TV show. Its been a very long time since I done something like that in general, especially with a friend. 

I might be restless again just in a different way. Survivors remorse, imposter syndrome all of them hit. Sometimes I think about the real life Scarlet still admittedly. 

I don’t say anything because of shame. Like what exactly am I supposed to say? Share? There’s of course more things that happened but it’s one of those things that shouldn’t be public or spoken about due to someone running off and being destructive with it. Someone left a review about this third run, and mention Stockholm syndrome. Is that’s what’s going on with me? I don’t know. It’s a fucked up feeling. To reach out of this bubble seems like a death sentence. Foreign. Forsaken. Forbidden. 

Sneak Preview of Concert Film.

I do feel myself isolating, and i’m trying make a push to go out or something simple as binge watching a show with a friend. Maybe not just the anger from the last few years caught up, but everything else is finally here too. All the what ifs, what to dos, wanting to reconcile, feeling like I could’ve saved my Dad, feeling like I didn’t spend that much time with my cousin, feeling like I was so stubborn with my brother, said what i needed to say to my auntie those emotions are present and I’m scared to feel them. 

Who’s gonna sit there and listen to me with no beat, no ear-candy, no rhyme just raw unfiltered conversation about everything in my head? My therapist ain’t shit. I am very afraid of being exiled for these thoughts and feelings. Its nothing extreme, but the world has taught me my emotions and feelings as a black man is too much to handle. I hate that so much. 

My cast has seen me power through horrific shit. Now with nothing going on, in the present moment, why am I acting like I got to power through feeling? Like why do I have to power through Joy? Just so someone to tell me, “why you sad, you got so many great things happening around you.” True, not something to negate, but there’s something else inside thats unsettling too. I remember an ex-dating partner always expressing a desire to have ease and peace. In my mind, just regarding certain things, it’s going to require you to endure uncomfortable moments to get that ease feeling. Keep telling myself i’m just in that uncomfortable period. Fun means to be unfocused. In my world, sometimes thats means you aren’t locked in. That means you can lose it all. I came too far and sacrificed too much to lose anything I worked for. 

A couple things a couple cast members expressed to me during this run that hit hard and it may simple or not mean much to others but one person said “Chris, I love you. Since we started it’s a beautiful thing to see a black man get on stage for an hour and a half pour his heart out and whats true to him.” Another expressed recently, “Its great to see you smile.” I love laughing, but never been quite the fan of smiling for long. Self-conscious about my smile. A little uncomfortable about it. Maybe that’s why not the biggest fan of compliments. When something huge happens I feel the excitement. The rush. I just don’t emote it physically. It’s true I’m thinking 10 steps ahead at all times while working tirelessly on what’s in front of me. At Sunday Jump a friend pointed out something saying man you opened for westside boogie on the otherside of the planet, got Aloe Blacc and Maya Jupiter for the show, and now you got this (I can't reveal what's going on now on here, but it's big. Something really big.) I also met and freestyled with one of my favorite rappers as a teenager, Fashawn. What the fuck is going on, on the inside?

Me and Fashawn

2025 is a weird interlude preparing me of what’s to come. I’m not all that weary, I just always been taught to stay vigilant. Staying vigilant so you don’t get caught off guard. Again, think 10 steps ahead. I hate that I have to grieve a potential future in the present to handle what needs to be handled. That's probably I've gained the strength to power through. No matter what you wanna do, something is going to come in the way that make you question if this what you really want. I undoubtedly want it.

Currently just focused on pouring all this energy of uncertainty in a body of work i’m cultivating. Reflecting on friends and community and support that may or may not come with depending on how you play the game. The Individual vs societal. Kinda exposing how things can be fickle. People want something whether it’s your time, energy, position or even sick, your poison. None of the things I share are to be consumed. They are just be recognized and steer clear from. Apply the lesson. Dismantle the loss. Elevate your win. I want to see everyone win. 

What always hurts which I expressed to my close friend recently, I do everything I can to see others win, but in a twisted turn of events they don’t want to see me win. Something I definitely see a lot being in Hollywood recently, people really get upset at your success. People gave me the cold shoulder so many times just congratulating them. An example, I told someone congratulations on a show I couldn’t make recently and was trying to ask how it went, and they threw numbers in my face saying it sold out, standing room only then Irish goodbye me without me responding. I met that person one time before pitching our shows, the success of them, talking about life etc. There were was another person, I recognized in these spaces who has done so well and I wanted to congratulate her on all the success. She just gave me a disgusted look handed me a flyer and struck  up a conversation with the person behind me. 

Everyone is always watching. Whoever said people aren’t looking either don’t pay attention, naive or just don’t give a fuck. We in an era where people just don’t give a fuck and show their ass right in front of you it’s just snapping out of it and really acknowledge the madness in front of you. Reasons why I don't trust people often. Reasons why I don't follow leaders, I just watch from a far distance.

To walk in a space, and just be labeled something. Without conversation. Doesn’t matter if it’s someone I know, don’t know, met in passing is uncomfortable. I have moments with myself where I think “why do I try to help people I don’t even know?”  Like really break my back for them? This same community of people I offered radio interview placements, but none has really supported like that. There’s definitely a few which will certainly get my love and respect. It’s a motives game. Then i have conversations with self if I’m pure or not? I do gaslight myself often. Telling myself, me being with myself more means I’m a piece of shit and no one wants me around. Truth is not a single soul is pure. Everyone is tainted. We just do our best everyday to unlearn what was tainted. I don't have capacity for much nowadays. I just do my best to stay out of trouble while remaining honest and authentic.

To Apply to be interviewed on my radio show with WEST. via 101.5FM go here. Our show is Mondays at 2pm on air.

Recognizing everything when everything simmers leads to an inevitable: you have to acknowledge everything in some way shape or form.

That is the cost of peace. I have to learn to be a little stingy sometimes.