Pricey, Might Delete Later.

Everything is just different. I often wonder when does life really start. Does it start when I have a child? When I have a family? When the dreams become fully realized and fulfilled? When and where does it start? 

I’m so young. I’m only 30 years away from the age my pops passed. I look at the recent death of D’angelo. He was 51. When I think about that I get scared. When i think about that, I question my dreams. I question the validity of my existence. I feel like i’m on the clock. All i know is giving up just means all this pain, heartache, self-determination, unquenchable thirst for growth was for nothing. I hate that I feel I’m the only one on this quest. I hate that when I look around it seems as if I’m the only one taking everything so seriously. You know that old saying, on everyone’s dating profile, “don’t take life so seriously. Don’t take yourself so seriously.” I love me, i live eat and breathe me everyday, how am I supposed to not take myself seriously? Do you not care about your own life? This season is teaching me is that everyone is replaceable, but you’re not. Meaning you can’t replace yourself. When it comes to a situation that feels uncomfortable or putting you in danger you cannot replace your emotions for the comfort of others. You cannot live for others in that way. Thats irresponsible. 

My monster talks to me everyday. Keeping him at bay gets more difficult by the day. There were somethings I let slip because of my anger this past week. I spoke to a lady a few nights ago at an album release party. We had a great conversation about leveling up. What does it take to get to that next step you desperately want? I want my dream to establish legacy. Does getting there mean destruction? I know it requires deconstruction. It terrifies me. I want my emotions to be seen. To get that life I want does that mean I have to throw those emotions away?

My days feel robotic. Like theres only two and a half emotions. The .5 being laughter. The other two being anger (or mute) or just sad. What the hell happened arriving to this point in my life? I knew my Dad was going to pass away in my 30’s. I had dreams about it. Really scary disturbing dreams during covid. Never knew it’ll be before I turned 30 though. Right before a huge moment in my life traveling abroad to get closer to my dreams. 

Tuesday October 21st, I was doing my typical. Running around the city, posting flyers, talking to people, taking meeting after meeting, brainstorm promotional ideas, internal freak-out about success, then shaming myself for it. My body wanted to give out mid-day. I wanted to go to Tuesday Night Cafe, a open mic in little tokyo (open mics is how I typically ground myself, it doesn’t matter if i decide to perform or not. Just being around people, or like minded people that cherish community uplifts me.) I decided to skip it. It was the last one of the season so I felt super bummed out about it. In addition to that, i felt my mind go mad. Something in my brain switched to: “these people don’t care if you there or not so why should you give a fuck?” Its such a negative outlook, negative view and perspective. Like what does that do other than looking at people sideways? Villainize community members? 

The thing with cycles you never know you’re in them until shit hits the fan, or pure burnout and exhaustion. My brother Miko was saying man it sounds like you’re exhausted. Mentally preparing myself to head overseas I realized i’m in the same cycle I’ve been in 2018-2020. I was so exhausted with work, career, swallowing my grief, pissed off at the job and everyone around me I just isolated myself. I’m feeling that urge to do so again. 

The following day, Wednesday, back in Zurich, Switzerland for the third time very early on in my rap career. When it comes to the business aspect of if I feel seen, heard and understood. The constant acknowledgement of sacrifices I made to get here at this point by the organization that hired me, the promoter, locals of all ages (18-65+) and them asking for my autograph, makes me feel so good. To be clear I’m not asking anyone to kiss my feet or worship the ground I walk on. However a simple “Hey Chris, you’re doing great. Keep going.” Is more than enough. I’m talking from the angle of my community. 

I realize I indeed chase validation. However, in the context of, “hey y’all I don’t think you really understand me. Can you please take the time out to understand me and what I’m doing?” It does admittedly come off as a entitlement issue. I am not entitled to anyone’s time and energy. Yes anyone that knows me, knows I am very stubborn. My stubbornness gotten me here. My question is, why aren’t you as stubborn? Don’t you want your dreams to come into fruition? At times I get irritated because I see the potential and the people around me in Los Angeles. You have the access, the talent, just put more work in. 

A friend of mine on this trip told me, “people should feel blessed to be around you and your presence. No one is doing what you doing. Why are you chasing people?” Part of me feel like having this viewpoint of “people should feel blessed to be around me” feels a bit egoistical, but maybe that’s the point. Maybe I need to stroke the ego or further develop it. Who exactly said having an ego is 100 percent negative? I believe it has a negative connotation. The Ego has shaped everyone’s confidence to some extent. This all came from attempting to find people to relate to. 

I reconnected with someone recently, and asked to hangout and just pick their brain on pursuing what they’re pursing and staying on the path. After going through many questions of them asking specifics, what I’m doing, questioning my curiosity got me feeling odd and just probably not continue with trying to hang. We’re in completely different fields. I don't know.

That’s another thing: I have to think twice maybe three or four times interacting with people at home in comparison to being out and about in Zurich. I understand it’s a bit different being an out of towner versus being from an actual place, but damn man. You mean to tell me I’ll be welcomed with open arms? That is a foreign feeling at times. Feel like an extreme outliner. I think the cold hard truth of the matter is that I want acceptance from people that don’t want to support or don’t have capacity. My issue is in the past I given support even when i didn’t have capacity and feel this extreme lack of reciprocity in my interactions with people. Do I expect too much or too little from the people around? Am I simply just around the wrong people? What does that say about me? 

Its a search of finding a safe haven. I’m starting to interrogate what does it mean to be safe? What does it mean to feel safe for me?

My body is conscious of: “hey Chris you are okay. Its fine. Let go take the risk. Do what you want or do what feels right.” However my mind is slow to catch up or completely halts out of fear. My heart is eager and the pacing is everywhere. 

The sheer disbelief that my community would stand with an abuser, people I once loved, called friends, and even sisters are silent. That haven is gone. I mourn that in silence often. What can you truly do about that?

At times i feel like i’m back where I started being everyone’s boulder. I know how to be there for others, but being there for me is just a different experience. I feel like I’m not granted space to feel. My work addiction, doesn’t help my situation either. I want to cry about my old friends, things I grew out of constantly, but I stop myself because it becomes the question of: what are you crying about? Are you really crying about leaving a space you were once unsafe? Where you were incapable of sharing your thoughts and feelings? Would you rather feel alone with people around or actually just be alone and don’t have to be paranoid about who's gonna fuck you over. 

I’m the closest I ever been when it comes to completing my mission, honoring my dad, the family name, and bringing people with me, but why I feel unsupported? 

I guess what does community mean? A friend’s companion was abducted by ICE a couple weeks ago. Boosting signal on the issue, in solidarity with another friend thats leading the charge, none of the leaders I reached to responded. That honestly made me feel weird. Its not about me when it comes this situation in particular, i guess my idea and viewpoint of what it means to be in solidarity, who you associate with, how you maneuver is just super skewed. 

On the other end, again, being in Zurich, seeing how people interact with each other. Getting the real local experience people are supportive. The lil homies in Zurich was telling me how they feel frustrated putting on shows when they got 150-200 people coming out per show and get paid off of it. I told them yo, thats incredible. Utilize that, especially in the states. I know of so many opportunities off rip they can get by just framing those stats.

I put them on game on what its like to be in LA and navigating. I broke down the concept of a pay to play and they lost their minds. For those that don’t know, pay to play is essentially a money scheme. Businesses take advantage of the hunger and drive artists have, by asking for hundreds of dollars for a performance. 8 times out of 10 you won’t see any growth on stats from that performance. 

All this artistry business, even the facade/persona on stage is an optics game. No one can tell me someone isn’t masking something thats going on. Theres a difference between that and living in the moment. We live to perform. Thats what we do. That’s the job. On the other-side of that, to better summarize with a line from the upcoming version of Silhouettes Of Scarlet, “people pay to see the smiles, not the tears.” 

Is my vulnerability detrimental and damaging to my business? To my connections? My relationships with people? I already knew the concept of “not everyone is going to like you or respect you.” I just find the more questions I ask, the deeper I dig, reveal and converse or create space for dialogue the more i lose. I don’t know what this is about and its driving me crazy. 

People paying to see the light-heartedness side of Chris, expecting that 25/8, and completely ignoring there's more sides of me is unsettling. A good chunk of my life I felt I been battling to reveal those different sides. I really want to it's always a question of well, is it safe? Are you safe? Is this community safe? My friend in Zurich, B.O.M. advised me it might be time to find different communities. Thinking about my mortality, time and all I get caught up in thinking it's too late.

Is there such a thing of being too late for understanding? Can someone understand my monster is grieving?

What's the price of letting monsters breathe for a bit? Maybe share something for a little while..