Perilous Circus, When The Quiet Comes

A friend of mine a couple days ago said, you either practicing for life or death. 

Few nights ago my last living grandparent fell and hit her head on the floor. Picking her up off the floor and preparing to take her to the hospital she cried, “I don’t want to die. Im not ready.” The fear in my body jolted. I want to cry, but I couldn’t. Had no time. Had to put everything to the side and help out. Me and my family already been watching over her for a week because she fell days prior. Doctors said theres a little bleeding inside. She asked my mom “will I live to see 83?” She’s 82. She turns 83 in May. 

All of this. All of this is breaking my heart. I cant bare to see my grandma go. I can’t see my mom heartbroken again. My Dad passed away to him falling and having a stroke because of the fall. I keep asking myself, what the fuck is happening? Seriously. What the fuck is going on? I feel I’m losing my grip on a lot of things right now. I know how I feel but getting it all out is difficult. A friend in the hospital currently whom lost control of their legs temporarily due a bad car accident amongst several things told me, you are getting in your own way. Being stubborn because you not allowing yourself to feel. She is 100 percent correct. Two things: 1) its wild seeing her in that position and giving me game to lift me up. The strength she holds is powerful. 2) what do you do to release it all out? 

I mean everyone always tell me, “talk about it.” Talking about my problems always landed me in shit. Trying to do the right thing and correct my behavior or set a boundary with someone else landed me in some shit. Then the “too much” label. All this makes me hold it in. I feel it in my throat. A lot of wind. Feeling of ice cold sensation in my wind pipes because something wants to erupt. Something wants to emerge out of my mouth and be loud. I developed a habit of thinking if someone is dead silent or unresponsive or non-reciprocal I put them somewhere between the enemy or looking at me suspicious categories. I guess what bothers me so much is just, none of the troubles, turmoil, overwhelming, overstimulating ventures i be having I didn’t ask for. Its a constant worry that Im way behind in life because of these things that randomly pop up. Like man I have to rebuild shit again. Thats devastating for me. It feels like I have to constantly do that. Feels like theres no kind of stability occurring. I truthfully feel embarrassed. The lack of stability put it dent in my self worth. 

I cling to warm innocent moments more. I had a few recently. Reconnecting with friends, being giddy about a crush I have, attending random events I don’t usually frequent in. I gotten a lot more reclusive on sharing that giddy attitude. I noticed i love to share then some people hit me with the “remember what happened last time” as if I’m not already aware. Sometimes its this odd air of “I’m waving my finger at you little boy” energy and its obviously off putting. There’s a difference of being present and straight up shaming. I been practicing for the life I want in my artistry: own some land, landing impact in the culture of rap, a legacy, stability. I want to be a father, so bad. With that dream i’m not going to throw these dreams away though. Im going to get done what i need to get done then resume in that area. Me digging deep for answers on my journey with dealing myself and my emotions prepares me for that. I saw a newborn nephew for the first time days ago, it put me in the best mood and headspace. Everything just suddenly paused. All the bullshit. Everything.

I had an interesting conversation with one of the friends i reconnected with regarding AI use. Admittedly I use AI for the purpose of talking and releasing whatever is on my mind and organizing my thoughts. Sometimes to calm me down. I do have a level of shame within me of going to people. I don’t like it. I hate doing the radical honesty. I know hypocritical talking about emotions and everything, but if I’ma be blunt I feel like people don’t want me around. I’m not convinced.

The portrayal of being the most serious person in the room because i like deep conversations, but i have a huge goofy side to me. At times feeling deeply feels like a curse. A close friend showed me the picture of an ex-close friend of mine because of mutuals and I wanted to take the phone and throw it across the room. If I could I would jump in the picture and slap that nigga. I saw another picture of an old ex-close friend of mine through someone’s instagram post that randomly popped up on my feed and I wanted to cry. I give everything to people I want people to do the same for me. Im just different. Putting people in the same room together and when it comes to assisting me I get indirect shots. The things I just expressed I have trouble sharing with anyone one on one. Morally, of course I don’t fuck with AI on an artistic level.

I want to support friends and community on the come up. Therapy with things constantly being dragged or again the shame that comes about, I rather talk to no one. Some of the people I’m closest to don’t pick up. That ignites a cycle and makes me push people away. Determining whats worth and whats not worth when it comes to sharing or interacting with people becomes a task I just rather not engage with all together.

There’s random flashbacks I get of Scarlet sometimes I don’t like to admit it. Like why the hell are you still thinking/daydreaming of your own abuser? Short answer: I don’t even know. I guess the high level of intimacy only for it to turn out to be of selfish gain. Subconsciously when it comes to dealing with others, I wait for the other shoe to drop or question where these little subtle hints of attraction from others is coming from. I shut myself down often thinking I don’t deserve it too. Like how could any of these people see me in such a light? Nowadays too, I mean, I work way too much. Haven’t taken the best care of myself in different areas. Probably all self-projection, and things nobody sees. Is anyone attracted to flaws? I mean the literal flaws of a human being? The shit that annoys you or doesn’t uphold a certain standard. I was face-timing someone and they said “its cute when you do that laugh of yours.” I wanted to turn the camera off haha. Or when my crush was like “text me” and i’m freaking out like nigga when the fuck do I text her? What am I supposed to say?

My flaws: restlessness, body dysmorphia, anxiety of the future, frequent burnout, lack of self-worth. Someone told me, “ i like that you know yourself” i looked at her like I got a long way to go. She proceeded to say “i mean even though that may not be true, it shows you making a lot of steps towards figuring it out.” Its the question of asking are humans attracted to humans? Or an idolized version pushed onto via media? In the hip hop sphere theres always talk about obtaining a particular amount of money, looking a certain way, appearing a certain way etc. In short a lot of my days I’m not 100 percent confident. I wonder if some people are attracted to the idolized version of me. On stage is completely different than real life. Online is different than real life. I never know what to say half the time. I am awkward, quiet, at times really goofy and observant, not sure how else to put it. 

Recently saw J Cole and met his manager Ib in-person. That was definitely a trip. Had a small conversation with Ib and I asked him if Dreamville is signing more artists he said “na man honestly I need a break. This is a lot.” I feel for him. What if I told you all I had a small moment just a couple weeks ago? With my friend in the hospital she believed in the music, it can go, but it might be a couple more years. I sat with myself like “man do I have a couple more years in me, in this current state i’m in?” Im not the flossing type but on some real shit, I don’t see any rap artist putting in as much work as I am. Some respect would be nice. It doesn’t even have to be some grand acknowledgment.

Once again though, this industry is all about endurance. How much can you withstand without being seen or acknowledged yet continue to push and create quality work? Anywho, that small interaction with Ib and seeing J Cole really motivated me to finish this album. Recharge my battery per se. I got a story to tell. Love or hate it, theres parts everyone resonates with. Parts thats cringe. Parts that no one will get/understand. Parts someone is going to be like “Chris you know damn well you are in the wrong.” And thats the point. I can give a fuck about all this trying to be cool shit. Half my family is gone. In 5 days is my brother’s 6th death anniversary. Im not trying to talk about death all the time, but I challenge or dare anyone to impose how I’m supposed to feel if this has been my experience the last 6 years and getting older. Everyone’s history is complicated. There’s this one Atmosphere song called “Nothing But Sunshine” and in a adlib they said “this is the 90’s name me one person that had it right.” The one little adlib just makes me question who the hell has ever had anything right? 

How do we challenge this version of peace thats pushed onto us and reformat it to where it makes sense to our lives and lived experience? Since cutting ties i’m not in community drama which is fantastic, (unfortunately i still hear about about shit) and theres a level of peace I gotten from staying out the way. Now whats coming up is the internal peace. What does it look like and how do I get there without compromise. Life is always going to happen. Can’t live life in fear, you’re going to have go get it. I know the most talented people refusing to push themselves. Its simple as that. Is settling for something without reaching a goal bad? Thats dependent on the individual. No one can completely eliminate pain and suffering. Whatever route thats being taken just need to be completely sure what makes the most sense for the journey. What does your pillars say? What does your guides say? Your intuition? Theres deep inventory that has to be considered. 

In conversation with one of my close friends, I remember she said “why you push yourself so much? Are you trying to prove something?” I said its my family. I want to accomplish everything before its too late. I want them to be proud of me. She said im sure your folks are already proud of you. You done so much. Thing is its time to return favors. I want my mother and grandmother to have the most comfortable life as possible while they are still here. Experience so much. Share whats been happening. I just have to position myself. I didnt get to do it with my Dad and maybe this a version of survival remorse kicking in. Theres so much I could’ve done and dont want to make that mistake again. 

Just like acknowledging emotions, feeling them is different. To be in a place of peace and actually feel it different story.

Its been the biggest and most important fight of my life to feel.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CEgNTJKxk7o