KARMA, HEAVY

“We talk about accountability from the perspective of holding one individual accountable to actions that are harmful. However, what do you do when you are an individual holding an community accountable?”

Last night, I held a strong urge to harm myself. Really odd, because the day was okay. I went to work. Had a good time with my co-workers going over lighting tech and cleaning. Nothing out of the ordinary. However out of nowhere i just got really sad on the way home. Second half of January was rough. Im currently in a space of making my life as easy as possible. That means cut off, cut back from anything that contributes to a stressor that isn’t necessary. 

In my relationships with people, not that i have a high expectation of this, but it would be nice if i get picked up from time to time. I’m tired of picking up after people, comforting people, taking on their responsibilities and feelings as if they are my own. I have a slew of wild shit I have to attend to. With this weird urge to self-harm, almost comes out of “man I don’t feel held and I’m by myself.” It really shook me that a friend I haven’t seen in a couple months flat out told me “Chris, I’m scared you’re going to one day collapse.” I haven’t heard someone that isn’t tied to my business express that. Like an actual friend. This same person has always expressed that I need better friends along with the fact that something is always going on in my world. Its weird man, I really don’t intend for things to go down at all, shit just happens. You leave it up to me, i’ll never leave the house. I’ll record music, put the shit out and perform. Thats it. 

Couple days ago, someone from the music industry called my phone at 12:30am in the morning screaming and cussing me out about how I didn’t attend his grammy party. While yes I should’ve sent the common courtesy text of “hey i can’t go” he must understand that: a) that same night someone robbed my mother of her phone at the end of a concert. Photos of my deceased father is on that phone. There was a fear of losing those photos. b) had an investor’s presentation where we constantly had to pivot and think on the fly because the venue space fucked us over. Cast members were grieving personal things and trying to figure out how to be attentive with all this happening. c) my father’s birthday was days earlier on the 27th. Same day im battling complications with the venue to Silhouettes upcoming iteration. People talking to me any kind of way. d) days before that after going to NAMM, the crew I was with almost jumped a guy as he was putting his hands on his girlfriend right in front of us. e) someone I was talking too, got into a conflict and I fear I lost the spark that I held for them. Actually I ended up braking the connection. Allllllll while doing this business stuff selling tickets, taking meetings on the fly, putting my emotions to the side to fix something. Its February 4th. Three years ago today, the house was eerily empty. My sister was gone. Moms was with Dad and I was by myself watching our dog Charlie. That last little bit of perceived normalcy was being stripped away. Now i’m roaming around cautiously wondering if I can express myself to people without it coming off I need them to be my crutch, or using them. All I need is an ear some days. A getaway ride to somewhere doesn’t even have to be far. 

It maybe scary or fucked up to admit, even with all the success in life right now, I’m not happy. i might just be in exhaustion mode. That night me and my crew almost jumped the guy for hitting his girlfriend, I was scared that I might just black out and kill him. No bullshit. I just been beyond upset lately. 

Something i realized is this stage in my life I’m missing this child-like wonder. Back in 2021/2022, i had a child-like wonder discovering new things. I’m in a new space. Meeting new people. Learning more about cultures and backgrounds i didn’t grow up with. It’s a special kind of disappointment, to feel as if thats disappearing or being stripped away from you. When I was in Monterey admittedly I feared the world around me. I was only exposed to one particular side of life and never ventured beyond my small pocket of Los Angeles. As I got older I gotten more accustomed to try new things that first taste being in Monterey for a few years. Pretty wild I can just walk to the beach with no fear of being banged on or having to fight somebody because they think im from a particular set. 

My discovery with expression unlocked more doors. LA, as much as it’s a central hub for creative outlets everyone’s attracted to popular styles of a artistic medium versus something that’s a little niche or different than what they are used to. Prime example, nowadays something I’m noticing, rap artists that get air-time or praise that are up and coming are ones that make ratchet/turn up music. I have no problem with the style. I have a few songs that geared towards that way, however, it’s discouraging to bring something new into the fold when actually talking about or being about something is looked down upon. Especially if it’s “dark.” I only know how to give real life lived-stories. I personally think people view something as dark because they don’t know how to face themselves or don’t know how to hold space  to explore for those deep questions they quietly ponder on when no one is around. When people are around it’s “stop being a bitch” or “we got no time to cry we gotta get to the bag.” I’m just like man do you really give yourself time to be human? Whats wrong with being human? 

Circling back to two things: 1) Being human is reviving that child-like wonder. Over and over again. I returned to Monterey after being dead broke multiple times because there was much more to learn from the community, myself taking up space as I perform and in solitude. In 2020, months after I got covid and was dealing with long covid-my brain was foggy. I could actually barely move. My breathe control was horrible. i still took a plane out there and booked a hotel room to reflect. Getaway. What does it mean to fully return to yourself when the world has taken so much from you? 2) the guy that called my phone talking crazy the empathetic side of me is thinking has this whole human being gotten the chance to understand what it’s like to be human? Like actually feel everything and take a pause? No, asking myself this isn’t a shot at all. I’m definitely still upset, but even I have to still stop and look outside of myself for a moment to get to a root issue of something. 

Confronted with feelings of something being taken from you what is the appropriate response? I trusted people with personal things only to turn around and gossip that I spoken to them about some deep shit to other people that has nothing to do with it. At that point, I feel you are taking something from me. Security. My security been toyed with for the past two years and my anger is ringing that alarm. How long are you allowed to have these feelings of something being taken from you and feeling the way you feel? 

I was left with a weird warning from an old friend I haven’t spoke to in months recently after catching up a little. They said, “don’t give your energy to everyone. Learn your people’s history, that’ll give you the answer to everything you need to know.” In context of the conversation i was a little lost, however I think what they were conveying was: “even if you think you know someone, you don’t. Keep yourself close. Pay attention to patterns.” Humans create patterns subconsciously. That reveals everything you need to know. 

Speaking of which, my pattern I really be keeping myself quiet. People disappoint me all the time and i don’t say anything about it. I recently had a crash-out moment on social media about how I feel like I deserve more in my career. For a nigga that don’t go around starting trouble, strives to make innovative art, self-fund every little bit of his career with no backing i’ll admit more praise would be nice. I know thats the ego speaking. I feel like I done enough that’ll separate me from your average artist in the beginning stages. I want to be lifted up loudly. I’m not asking for worship. Just more support. The toughest pill to swallow is I don’t get the type of support I want from friends that seen me hustle to the bone. All so weird people to go out they way to discover a new artist, because can’t discover people what the people in front of them have to say. It’s so weird and cringey to me saying all this, but i have to take a moment and just share.

I made a new friend fairly recent. There was an comment made about someone they are seeing who’s in the industry. He’s a bit further than I am but he’s approaching from a different angle of being an instrumentalist. In this game there’s always a need of someone playing an instrument. Thats just a fact. It’s easier to get hired and paid doing that than penning a rap verse for someone’s project or being asked to do a performance and getting paid for it. There isn’t always a need for a rap artist.

Me, this friend and a few other people were talking about making music. My friend brought up the guy and said they are in a “higher echelon and caliber” than us because he gets paid so we not going to be introduced or get a hookup. First off, I never asked for a feature or a hookup or anything. Right off the bat i was offended. Secondly how it came off was as if Im beneath this person or somehow less talented because they are in a space i been fighting to get to relentlessly for years. However, i’m looked at just like a rapper upon first glance without someone giving a chance. I have a resume that backs up my feeling of deserving more.

Third, I expressed to this friend about a week or so earlier i feel insecure about my career because I do so much and I need help. I feel like I’m always doing every little thing myself. From the production, writing lyrics, writing melodies, hooks all that shit you name it except mixing/mastering i’ve done, but somehow another nigga is better than me because i’m still fighting to get to my spot. I pay for everything. Go broke often paying everything. Then be like fuck where do I go from here now? It goes back to “don’t give your energy to everyone.” Why kick me when i’m already feeling a little down? 

Got me more paranoid. Rather stay in the house more. Where i’m at in life, again, need to rediscover that child-like wonder. I’ve lost it. Amidst all the drama with my case. I see friends constantly moving around the country, exploring communities and it makes me think… do I need to move out of LA? Are there more communities to explore out here? Everything feels so congested to where it feels like I seen everything already. I meet a new person and I discover they ain’t fucking with someone I met a year ago or distance themselves from this section I been hanging with. Or a section talk about something openly I ain’t supposed to know. I mean how the fuck do I keep hearing about shit during my time in isolation? Make it make sense. I stay away for a reason. 

This whole concept of maintaining an excitement or whats left of innocence is why connection or finding one is so important to me. Yes, i do call myself a lover boy because I am one. However, the process of just getting to know people. The stories, background all intrigues me and is a reminder that there is more to be discovered. More to learn. Hung out with someone last week, and they told me that they love to fight. Took me off guard because i just didn’t expect this person thats been nothing but nice and sweet and kind to me this entire time would love to scrap. Mid conversation just straight up said, “i feel like fighting.” I said WHAT haha. It didn’t bother me none. Having space to get to know her was a good time. Made another new friend that lives in Portland who I need be better at communicating with more ( peace and love to you Blue.) I always remember when people looked me as a saint when I had a past of fighting that almost lead to me getting expelled from high school. Platonic, acquaintance, romantic whatever just something that reminds me there’s more to left than just whats in front of me now. At times i wish things can be a bit more reciprocal. 

I call so many friends since the year started and probably only 2 answered the phone. Combine that with still grieving with losses because other people’s fear of confrontation to handle an issue. Pops did used to always tell me:

you’ll be lucky to even have two people you can call your brother or friend. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9qgghUdSsA