Mulholland Drive, The Rebirth Of Marvin

At times I feel like a broken record when speaking about my problems or issues. That  is honestly a huge contributing factor as to why I refrain from saying much in conversation or you’ll never know what’s going on in my head. Never know what emotion I’m feeling. Stonewall. 

Days ago, Sebastian, my friend and EP of Silhouettes Of Scarlet went and gave a presentation about Silhouettes Of Scarlet to will.i.am’s team at FYI. An app company that specialize in team building, curation, networking and making it easier organize projects and ideas. Days leading up to this presentation needless to say we shitting bricks. Putting together this presentation and figuring out how to use this app. We got invited as professionals so we didn’t wanna look like we don’t know what we doing, and being crystal clear and what we asking. 

My whole thing is ensuring we bring something home to our village. When the village wins, I win. 

Before heading into this meeting, I met another artist who’s also scheduled to give an presentation, Mr Doz. Amazing artist. Great human being. We got to talking how we feeling before talking about our projects, and he revealed how times been tough. Last year he was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer. Doctors given him 12-24 months to live. He’s on month 17. God got him standing. Standing strong. The testimony of his project to bring forth more black superheroes into the world via comics. He’s a father. Letting it sink in watching this man tear up while giving his presentation I can’t help but think how do you stay planted within yourself? Be so unshaken. Remain in faith? His spirit was so bright. Smiling at everyone. As I write this, I wonder if there are certain things he keeps inside and doesn’t share with friends, and family. Grief alone is a tough conversation to have. I want to cry and hold him tight. I let him know he's loved unapologetically.

I remember when my pops pulled me to the side telling me to take care of my mother and sister or else he’s going to come back and haunt me for the rest of my days living. He did that just weeks before his passing. I always wondered if he knew and he just didn’t tell me. Auras, energy all of the same  has a language to them. You utilize your intuition to listen. Everyone knows when something is off or is coming. 

I aspire to be like Doz in energy and faith. That short interaction is a blueprint. With all the death and chaos around me I been feeling an array of emotions. Mainly that angry, “I’m mad at the world so I secretly want to piss everyone off so they know what I’m feeling” emotion. So far in my legacy and blueprint I honed in on the survival and endurance aspect of it. In terms of the physical. Getting people to understand you can make it through the obstacles. Just keep working brick by brick. I’ve learned to keep going physically no matter whats thrown at me. Mentally I learned how to power through it, but when it gets quiet the torture begins. Fucked up thing about it however, to listen to your intuition, you have to be quiet and pay attention. 

FYI Presentation to view our presentation go here.

Something Doz told me, “brother go in nature.” I told him about the story i had going into the Humboldt forest two years ago. Two months after my Dad passed away. It was quiet and something told me (i believe it was God) just talk. Talk to your Dad. I let go of fears of looking like something. Telling my truth. My insecurities. Everything. Soon hours later I felt great. A lot lighter. 

These days I give myself every excuse in the book to not sit still. So to sit quiet and be as raw and vulnerable as I need to be feels like a deferred dream.

The day after the presentation I met up with an OG of mine. I finally let out something I held onto for an year. This entire conversation my face was super tense. My vocal tone was tense to not give off a “no one is gonna gaslight me or run me over” attitude. He understood right off the bat and ensured me I was going to be respected. I truthfully wanted to cry. I wanted to ugly cry.  I told him if life taught me anything the last couple years is to shut up and swallow that anger and those tears because no one wants to hear it.

At least thats what I feel my best friends have taught me. Growing up that was the thing in my community. I managed to fight back. However when life altering things occur and trying to figure out these big emotions and be met with (seems like cultural differences or upbringing) an expression of extreme dissatisfaction of how I handle things-I in short harbor major resentment. More resentment than I initially thought. 

I told my OG recently, I found peace and now im just navigating the awkward uncomfortable feelings of different shit coming up. He said (in so many words I’m phrasing) nah, you reached a level of peace, but you haven’t experienced full peace. You still at war with yourself because the uncomfortable things are still coming up. Peace is peace. Its stillness. You’re present, not being pulled in different directions when its quiet. Never let the external determine your internal. Life will always happen. You have to be so grounded to honor the feelings, give yourself time to feel it then move on. Never stay in the emotions you in. 

Some of my unrest lately is unresolved battles that came about earlier in the year before pre-production to the next Silhouettes show started. Right when the show ended some ghosts re-appeared. My immediate reaction was to run. My body tensed. I wanted to lash out, but kept it together. There was virtually nothing I can do, but just stand in the face of my fears. When the devil attempts to unleash unrest you’re upon greatness. Something I keep telling myself. 

I have this thing…that’s not really a secret- my work addiction. Deep down i feel work will never leave my side. It’s the toxic relationship that keeps on giving. The loyalty is knowing it’ll always come back for me to revisit, look over etc. i’m honestly so terrified that I’ll take a break at the wrong time when i’m needed the most. OG told me “when your pops passed I remembered you got right to work then as time continued on, I see you became a workaholic.” Hearing that initially deep down I was a little hurt, because I’m like man you noticed but didn’t say anything? I understand thats a responsibility thing on my end. It’s just this undying desire to be understood regarding where I’m at. 

I’m not one to run from the hard shit.. or at least so I initially thought. In the middle of this same conversation I realized i’m still running away. Funny thing is I know what it is, but truth lies behind the eyes of a God most refuse or neglect so what will people think hearing the truth from a mortal man? I refuse to believe we continue to be in a space where truth is secondary or optional. I question what does truth mean when its the cost of more potential damage? 

This has resulted in isolation. I don’t do shit other than work, radio and a couple community events few times out of the month. That’s it. 

After our meeting Sebastian was like “yo we fucking did it. Made a-lot of connections and impressions. We are about to be so fucking set. What do you want?” I said a quiet place.

Same thing my OG asked me: “What do you want?” I said peace. 

Sebastian said you can get that quiet place you want. Sebastian has a thing for manifesting. They’re great at it. For whatever reason, I think I’m so pissed and distracted with my emotions to where I can’t fucking celebrate the win and already thinking about the next step. For example, we won the eastside arts initiative grant as a production. First thought that entered my head was okay we got it now, we need to flip it. We flip the money the right way we won't have to work another day in our lives next year.

Silhouettes Of Scarlet wins Eastside Arts Initiative Grant

That’s a problem. That’s a huge fucking problem. 

In reality I’m actually creating the work. There isn’t THAT much to do during this off-season. We just been taking a lot of exciting meetings. The will.i.am meeting is just one of many. As a matter of fact I just finished another album. I produced it with exception of 1-2 songs, created the vision and all that. Also thought of more concepts along the way in the creation process. 

Originally I was supposed to have this entire month off of work (not by choice some stupid shit at my day job) but I complained to my supervisor and got so many more hours than originally wanted (not complaining about that.) i have a few days this month that are literally 6am-11pm (welcome to the world of technical theatre.) I’m now wondering if that was God saying “please rest. I have removed everything just sit down please.”

I realize I get so mad when others don’t work as hard as me then have an expectation for others to have that drive. That aint cool. Again I don’t say it. No one will ever know. Everyone isn’t me, and everyone shouldn’t be me. What i’m doing is not healthy in the slightest. 

What does the title of the hardest working artist truly mean? What does it mean to be prolific in your craft? All of this is truly ego based. 

Something my little homie told me on the phone was to believe in your ego like you believe in the sun. It’s the same fire. Allow that ego to tell you you are in such a great spot, no one is fucking with you so you can put this down and return to it when you want. At the beginning of our conversation I was like: I ain’t got no ego or try to keep my arrogance away. Thats a half truth. I have them dreams of: I’ma stunt on mothafuckas who doubted or always have some slick shit to say. It’s all from a place of unresolved anger and insecurity. All of which I work tirelessly to keep my bay, but no lie I have my moments where I want to let go and let whatever happens, happen. 

Yesterday I hung out with my friend Eddie. He’s the father of a two year old. Watching him play blues on his guitar showing his daughter music is something I want. Watching them put a smile on my face. In college when I had money and not that many financial responsibilities, I bought CDs and vinyl to save for my future children to listen to. I got music from all genres. Eddie was telling me it’s been heavy times with folks around him in his circle loosing their fathers.

When I got home after hanging out, I got news my step-uncle’s Dad passed away. My OG’s father passed away earlier this year. I remember my mom telling me when my pops passed, the hardest part isn’t him no longer being here. It’s the world moving on like nothing happened. Any kind of loss, the adjustment takes time. I successfully gaslit myself into believing I have no time in my work addiction. 

To be clear so no one thinks im hyperbolizing it, I literally wake up and think “okay I have to do these things this week. Based on my schedule what can I do today?” I’ll call Sebastian and we split tasks or delegate. I go exercise or a quick 30 minute walk in my neighborhood. Come back over think, get overwhelmed. Become paralyzed. Don’t do anything for an hour or so. Then slowly find a groove. Clear as day signs of burnout or emotional distractions. Happens everyday. 

People tend to believe addiction is a choice. Furtherest thing from the truth. It’s a systemic trap majority of the time. The environment and conditions plague it. Mines happened to stay doormat until a turning point occurred and it decided to show up in full force.

Odd thing is I feel finding something else fill the void of no work or slowing down is another version of running away. Obviously completely stopping myself from working is not an option.

A place where nothing happens, and everything happens at the same time. Quite the balance to strike. 

Such a weird transitional period.