Life internally has been quiet. Peaceful.
Since December I have stayed in my own world and am only exit to assist the community and friends during the Los Angeles Fires tragedy this past January. Very selective on who I associate with nowadays shifting focus on the betterment of myself on a mental level. Cut out any and everything I over pour into that doesn’t pour back or that just negatively impacts me.
Peace is uncomfortable. Not the restlessness factor, I actually managed to bypass that fairly quickly. It’s the thing of waiting for the next disaster to come and strike me personally. With the hectic end of last year (and really the entirety of 2024) I found what grounds me is my morals. Knowing I have the best intentions to my authenticity, the people around me, the community I want to cultivate. Focus on that. No use in focusing or harping on situations that hold no weight to my character. The people that know, know. I will not apologize for anything to anyone.
Another thing is wanting to check on people where there’s tension present or haven’t spoken to in a long time. I had to remember as it may be a little self-fish, but if something were to happen in my world would I get that check in text or call. For these specific people, the answer is no. Some would use that as a gateway to attempt to wiggle their way into a position, I don't want them to be in, in my world. These same people made me feel crazy for losing my mind when my Dad passed away. In a way that has hardened my heart. In short, choosing to not engage and praying for safety was the most I could do. It was a little uncomfortable, because with me truly caring I will definitely go out my way to assist, but this was the best decision.
Originally I planned for this year to be a year of providing more light in my circles, and truly prioritize joy. I have all my projects for the year planned out. I feel it’ll be extremely irresponsible of me to not express my thoughts on what’s occurring in America with folks in my community constantly being under attack. Now more than ever, I feel we need everyone to get into position. Whatever may feel right for you. Whether it’s being on the frontline, engaging in discourse, writing to senators or putting it all in song, education, grassroots efforts all of it contributes to a healthy eco-system. Too many times, I see people shame others for wanting to continue to write or share what's going in their lives. It's messed up, but people still have to go to work, deal with heartbreak, grief etc. in the middle of ridiculous decisions 47 decides to implement in office. Our leaders or people with power primarily focus on their wealth and lack the care to display ideas. Their lack or refusal of attention creates divide.
This song, Fatherless I get a little scared sometimes that I may further create some kind of division on the flip side. I cannot allow fear to hold back with what God has gifted to me. At the same time, I know there’s someone out there that needs to hear these words just for the sake of sanity and something to clench on. Us artists have a responsibility to frequency. That goes back to the fact I feel I need to share this song before celebrating joy, confidence, freedom of self in the other music I have aligned this year. I’m kinda shocked how I can go so deep with something and not carry the heaviness internally in writing, sequencing production, visuals, conversations over the last few weeks creating this song. Addressing religion, America, I also have a full verse about the night I got a call my Dad got admitted to the hospital where he passed a couple weeks later. I have been wanting to write that verse for a long time. I just wasn’t in the space, or haven't had capacity. My heart was heavy all last year. It’s not in such a space anymore. Such a personal song with a political message, I felt Ashley Lanuza is perfect to help carry out the idea and provoke the conversation of role models, America cosplaying as God. Out of all the songs in my catalog currently this is my proudest work. My guy Nemesyzz Rigby on production capturing the story in the sonics. Lyrics tell the story, production helps enhance the emotion behind what you trying to convey and Nemesyzz is the best at that. We been working on this song for about a month. We releasing it next week.
I feel it's a poetic decision from God, to get booked on the same date two years later where I got the phone call about my Dad for a show. This show is the first one of the year (hopefully I actually want to limit the amount of shows this year depending on a business deal that's going this upcoming week) and the host wanted to honor me as artist of the year for all accomplishments from last year. A couple others last year gave me that title. Just blessed, simply blessed. For me as a rapper, my grit is constantly showing up, experimenting, failing to succeed later beyond wildest imagination. I’m sure none of the people that first started to see me perform as a rapper in 2022 didn’t think I'll be this experimental and successful in my ventures with the village.
Right now, I hit a different pocket in my flow. I feel so inspired with my production/sounds. The stories I'm telling. Having fun in my songwriting. I am incredibly happy.
Man, I had a recording session with WEST. & Zam and I made a couple beats in front of them. I haven’t sat there and created a beat in front of someone in years and just mumble melody ideas and raps and shit. That brings so much joy, and grounded energy for me. Just locking in. My writing process for the past couple years has been to myself with the exception of a few tracks on my third solo album, Lanair’s Flower in Zurich due to it being recorded in Zurich, Switzerland. I had that hunger to have the best verse in those songs. I want to take off heads. My hunger is to continue to leave a lasting impact.
My celebration comes on the heels of finally feeling like I’m back to being me. I attended a friend’s performance in Los Feliz last Wednesday night. For the first time in two years, I didn’t have any sort of intrusive thoughts taking me out of the experience. Fully locked in. Not worried about, “oh i need to do this, this is stressing me out. I need to talk to that person” etc. I’m actually good. In all honesty, I am really excited for what this year will bring. So many great things in the pipeline and I just simply refuse for anything to rob me of my joy, happiness and personal accomplishments.
I do bare a little bit of guilt, for finally being good on the inside because the world around me is on fire. Quite literally the day before the fires broke out I went to six flags with my little brother, even then I didn't have any intrusive thoughts potential problems that may come about. Just here. A few days ago, I linked up with a old friend Ilani, to do a painting for me. To get supplies at Michaels we had to go through parts of my old neighborhood. To be specific this shopping center me and my Dad would frequent. Next door is the Food 4 Less me and Dad went to without fail every week or so. On the inside it look exactly the same. I shared a couple stories with her. As we was on our way home, she turned to me and asked if I was okay. I said yes. I was tearing up, at the same time I was geniunely good. I'm still okay.
I do still have somewhat of a mental block of thinking about the accomplishments of what Silhouettes Of Scarlet accumulated so far. Hell, I was like this venturing out of the country for the first time. I did that show and came back like, alright I got another show in 1-2 weeks, an EP to mix and master and release. What we got going on? However, now, I'm doing better than I thought. My goal heading into this year was to live more, reflect less. I’m cutting back a little on these blogs, and refraining from initiating deep conversations. If someone approaches me i’ll make the decision of whether or not I have capacity or not. I steered clear of some already. Saying “no not right now” is a great super power. Learning.
I guess the biggest thing now is ensuring that I’ll maintain this level of calmness and balance throughout the year, also understanding that I'll slip up and crash out and there’s nothing wrong with that as long as I get back to center eventually. It’s such a strange inverse. The world was calm at times I was ready to throw all this shit away, and destroy some shit.
As I share this, the idea of balance. Learning what’s appropriate to share and what’s not. This also adds to me being less reflective for the year and prioritizing the moment. Not the best at striking the balance of sharing. I feel it comes from a place of longing for connectivity. A sort of understanding that I’m not crazy. I experienced what I experienced and my insecurities lacked the confidence to say “Chris you aren’t crazy. You don’t need validation from anyone.” Not in the sense of romance, sex, friendships anything at all.
The loneliness hits a little but is getting better. I have friends that are around each other a lot, as I'm off getting to what I need to get to and elevating myself. I just gotta trust the process. It’s been like that since my college days. Truthfully nothing new. If anything it’s back to square one in that department. I yearn to meet new people, make new friends and connections. Try new things on an interpersonal level, while I maintain and continue to grow the community I’m helping to make, I would like to step into other spaces. It’s intimidating. It is scary. All part of ventures and the unknown right?
Got to take it slow. My old habit is going way too fast. Let's try doing things slowly. I've been living life slowly. It’s been great.
Exploring these variety of new spaces I intend for the integrity and authenticity to remain and never be sacrificed.
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