emancipation.
picture shot by Edward Isais.
modeling with Sarah Vita.
Track produced by Chris Siders.
Additional Production from Nemesyzz Rigby.
Mixed and Mastered by Nemesyzz Rigby.
Video shot, edited and directed by Cosmo Free.
Story:
The title track for this project is just one of them songs that came to me instantly (even more instantly than the project itself since I made it in a week.) I written both verses in one sitting within an hour or so.
While I was attempting to do things to relax my mind, because I was in a state of hell fire and distress I went to a nails salon to get a pedicure. There is when I went to ol’ reliable to start searching for sample (I’m not about to give my crate digging secrets away lol.) I came across an old Yaya Bey record. I sampled Yaya Bey for “breatheslow” so I thought the vibe was perfect. I was looking for a way to anchor the album.
The subject matter is a culmination of things I am emancipating myself from that I don’t talk about openly, not even my music or artistry. Things like my recent past issues with lust, being a survivor of sexual assault, my past history with violence and more recently the death of my father and attempting to comfort my mom while in such a state of grievance.
Regarding lust and my assault, when I was younger I went to strip clubs and all that to prove myself I’m more worthy than what I viewed myself to be. I was real low. Years later in the recent past dealing with heartbreak, that came in the form of sex to prove my worthiness. That I’m worth something. Giving too much power to others to where I’m a bit more emotionally or mentally guarded.
My issues with anger and unresolved grief have messed up relationships I had with great women in my life. I am happy to reconcile with one recently, but this is all to say I am striving to do better.
Writing this song I wasn’t entirely too sure how I was going to release myself from all this penned up tension and guilt, but I had to do something. Writing can heal, but it's not the end all be all per say. It’s what you do with the information. Just like time. You give yourself time regarding a situation, but what did you do? You go to therapy? You talked to friends? Utilize resources.
I refuse to be stuck. A lot of people, and specifically men, black men, get stuck in a space with emotions. A lot of us come from households and environments where that’s not encouraged. The idea of feeling wholeheartedly and openly. I feel a lot. Intensely. Externally I may look okay, but I’m drowning. Past few weeks has been extreme highs and some lows. It’s unrealistic to believe that everything is going to stay good all the time and that’s okay.
Sound:
The guitar chords in the song was just so immaculate I didn’t want to put drums or anything on it. So I just looped part of the song and use the Pete Rock method for creating a bass. I took out the highs and the lows of the sample then made a copy of the same loop took out the mid and high frequencies and turned up the lows.
During the mixing and mastering process, Nemesyzz Rigby added an extra bass to it to give sample more umphh.
How Nhi ended with the sound bath following Yaya saying everything is going to be okay was just perfect. I wanted the experience itself to be a trippy healing experience for all listeners. That there’s a light at the end of the tunnel even if we don’t know how bright it is exactly.
Lyrics:
Verse 1:
Separation anxiety
I’m obsessive with finding
peace when its been
laying inside me
drag my bones
along cemeteries
after the shift
of grave positions
heart is only for the wicked
fear addressing elephants
on my doorstep
project
how can I love you
when I don’t love me yet?
strength in letting go
became my biggest weakness
cage tearful lullabies
hoping one day
I can see my father time
I hate seeing
my mother cry
emotionally unavailable
isolation
in days I wanna
to straight up die
my rock bottom
look different than most
even with a high career
beg tornadoes
in my room
to keep me afloat
truthfully I don’t know
what the view
looks like without
chaotic whirlwinds
maybe God is tired
of me constantly repenting
to fit
in a blueprint
coloring my canvas
for museums
where you can listen
on repeat
gotta do better
as I hear the voice of
my grandmother sing
Verse 2:
Got blood on my bible
push with my eyes closed
accept what my sky unfolds
please let me know
got some demons
yall aint no about
1am sneaky links
for my intimate droughts
strip clubs
no bottles
in my call outs
Power trippin
Morale face first
in pussy
connected
to dark routes
my first sexual partner
stalked and assaulted me
maybe that’s why emotional
intimacy is too taboo
to seek
vulnerability I swallow
to not be perceive
as a burden
my tears can fill ocean beds
that comfort our fallen
and drown my anger
in silence
love is way too loud
and can make me target
that’s why I stay
to myself often
hard to admit
and accept
I haven’t been okay
I ain’t no saint
I can only ask for
blessings that won’t
allow me to fade away
for the times
I made women cry
maybe I deserve
a rough life
knowing I carry
all the blame
in my psyche
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