I’ve been taking some kind of a break infusing rest somewhere in my routines. My mind doesn’t know when to stop sometimes, as my body screams constantly. A friend of mine even told me about me being a manifest generator (astrology/ human design shit if y’all don’t know lol. I encourage everyone to get a human design done.)
The issue I been having is being afraid of resting. A fear of falling behind when I built up so much momentum with my artistry and business. The unfortunate reality as what my Unc would say this is a “what are you doing for me now?” Type of business. If you not in people’s faces the eyes can be lead away from you.
In addition on a personal level, my body dysmorphia. I feel the need to check my weight every morning despite people saying I look cut, skinny etc. I still feel like that big kid that wasn’t good enough at times even though in my heart of hearts I know I made major improvements to my lifestyle.
Part of the major improvements to my lifestyle has been the people I surround myself with. Everyone I’m around in some capacity has been teaching me the ins and outs of respect for self while maintaining that for others.
In the business of being an artist we all know people are ALWAYS trying to take advantage, cultivate relationships as leverage for manipulation etc. Me and Joe Limer talk about this all the time. I even remembered I was offered a book publishing deal right out of college and I declined because i felt i was being taken advantage of. Someone of that same group that I have a better relationship with came at me six years later with an offer.
Weary of motives I try not to get too close to people. I got to at all costs protect myself. I don’t tolerate any forms of disrespect. I love me more than anyone and I expect to have that same love for themselves. It’s okay to be self-fish. I feel it only gets dangerous when it manifests in a negative worldview, fake love for others and the want push people away. That’s a major lesson I learned this past weekend. I must do better with letting people in and be open to receiving. My brother, Miko, reminds me constantly that I’m loved. It’s hard to feel that when you feel the opposite. I love my people. Even the people I’m no longer hanging with today. Any little thing that can potentially be misunderstood can send my mind in a spiral and trigger anger.
I find it wild that I’m terrified of showing the smallest amount of anger. Being conscious of my violent past I never want that to come out again ever. In turn, I just shot a music video where it’s aggressive and really violent it can rub people the wrong way regarding the message I’m trying to get across. Shooting the video it’s self felt dark. I didn’t feel good in honestly, but the message is more important than my innermost demons. The message of the song itself is about integrating the monster inside as my friend Nhi would put it.
This was a week seeing the different sides of my inner monster resurfacing in different ways.
Before the year is over we got a few more shows. Videos. Music etc. great plans for next year.
Everyone that’s here, thank you.
Let’s continue working.
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