Written Thursday July 21st, 2022
How much will you sacrifice for a dream? We all heard the stories people done to make their dreams happen. Whether it’s going broke, cutting off people, leaving their job etc.
I must say its a totally different experience when you’re in the middle of it. You look around and damn near everyone you started with arent around. Pockets are empty. You’re getting older with a ton of different variables at play.
There’s so many life experiences I have yet to take part of because I’m chasing a dream I had since high school. Music and poetry. I remember when I first started writing my parents was all for it. Kept me out of trouble and I was talking about something important. After awhile, they started to ask “where’s the happy poems?” I was far from happy as a angsty teenager. Loudly proclaimed I was atheist. Had a ton of anxiety. Always in something no matter how much I tried to stay out the way. Since then I havent shown my parents a single poem. I dont invite them to shows or anything. They only saw me performing at my college graduation because well… thats graduation day.
Its true when they say you have to be your biggest cheerleader. Going from being laughed at in high school and not taken seriously to getting paid, flying out to places i never been to share my thoughts. That’s a dream come true. Again all this comes with sacrifices. One thing that i been experiencing a ton is a decline in mental, physical and emotional health. As i’m writing this now, i’m laying in bed with somatic symptoms stress. My body stopped working. I couldn’t move. Until the following morning. It started at 3pm in the afternoon in the middle of cleaning my living space. At night my stomach started to act up. It hasn’t reside since. Today I managed to get up, but I couldn’t continue with my daily routines of working, exercising etc. I literally had to tell myself not to work today, even so I did one or two pieces of work. With that I realize I got a problem. In my current condition, it should be a no brainer to just chill and relax, but i’m way too stubborn. I gotta get to the goals by any means.
This entire day, my thoughts of disappearing came about again. A friend called me and I was too ashamed to say I’m not doing well and I’m grieving.
Nowadays, i’m just like man. How long do I gotta hustle? Do I limit my time for a better paying job? Do I continue to grab every opportunity to stay in people’s faces? I been at it since February in terms of performing every other if not every week. Business wise since January with a ton of interviews i got out there.
I’m contemplating on pushing back my east coast performance tour dates for my health and financial stability. Aside from keeping your spirit up in being your biggest cheerleader, you always gotta bet on yourself. I have no financial backing. This is all coming from my own pockets. If you in the business of spoken word there are certain things that are required of you and for you to understand. Such as getting paid 2-4 weeks after show sometimes. Paying for travel then getting reimbursed later. Negotiate rates sometimes due to budgeting from the clients. Utilize discernment regarding which ones you can take on. If I said yes to every show this year I would be dead broke or close to the red.
Every time I’m around friends or talking to friends through messaging or calls, those are some of the best times. I can take attention away from work. Sometimes i have an urge to pour everything out. I haven’t been accepting calls from family. My mom hit me with the “it ain’t no sense why you are still single with no relationship.” As if that’s something I don’t want to experience. I do. I do wonder if it’s in the cards often. I been away from home more often than I imagined during this stage. Its wild I did receive a warning that I’m moving too fast.
Tomorrow, i’ma take myself out on date. Havent done that in over a year. Go to the movies, get a nice burger, shop for clothes etc. its relaxing. Due to my micro-managing I haven’t taken myself out. I STILL havent seen the latest spider man movie. Last year I did say I’m going for broke. I just gotta make this shit work. Feels like there’s no other option.
It's only me now.
How much you would sacrifice for your dreams?