Day #1- Monterey.
Being on the bus to San Jose, I can’t lie and say that I haven’t thought about leaving everything and everyone behind in LA.
Since last July I been incredibly depressed and anxious about the direction God was taking me in due to unexpected changes and transitions.
In June 2021, i made a decision to not return to Monterey County due to realizing I was being tokenized for the past decade up to that point. Also at the same time seeing how the community was divided regarding certain matters I felt that it would be best to remove myself entirely. I made a huge deal out of it, because I didn’t want anyone to guilt trip me into believing this is solely my only job and that it’s a must that I have to lookout for everyone there.
I feel that coming back would be re-traumatizing myself all over again. Seeing this small town with the same streets I used to roam when I only had a dollar to my name. The open mic on Wednesday nights 7:30pm at the East Village cafe, competing to release frustrations, get a little bit of money, put food in my mouth with that money and fight for respect. Run into old friends I’m no longer cool with. Terrified that i’ll run into the individuals who assaulted me and falsely accused me of assault. Seeing my university’s new buildings I wasn’t able to use because they was in development while hiking up tuition prices.
Truth of the matter is, the love everyone developed for my craft and voice made me feel like I mattered. Finally a place I belong, somewhere. However, as time continue on I kinda seen that more as a negative than a positive because I feel everyone got love for what I can provide versus who I am as a person.
As soon as I couldn’t perform to expectations everyone set for me problems came about and I reacted poorly. There was no sense of boundaries set on my end because the concept of that was foreign. I am a people pleaser. I’ll do everything i can to make people happy even at the expense of my well-being on all levels. In development of this tour, after speaking with my marketing team and some folks, it was clear that I needed to make boundaries for myself and only do certain things when necessary in the area.
This overwhelming sense of loneliness & sadness, fused with happiness and excitement is the craziest mind fuck. I finally made it to this point independently. I created my own tour. I’m getting backing from my music from people that are sincerely interested in what I have to say, so I should feel like I’m on top of the world right? However at what cost? While typing this someone reached out to give a potential book deal, schedule a show and schedule a meeting for another event...it’s so much going on. I’m happy for the success, at the same time I’m a bit depressed.
My grandmother passed away last year. I separated myself from people. Seeing health problems come about from people that’s close to me affects me. Still finding my footing with new friends because I feel uneasy with my imposter syndrome. Getting back into a space of community is extremely uncomfortable & difficult for me.
I been going to a new space called Palms Up Academy in Highland Park back in LA. The people there are welcoming, caring, and amazing. Even reconnected with an old friend from 2018 (shout to Ariel.) Somehow I find myself just isolating. Again, i’m just not well.
Performing & doing shows I’m typically by myself. It’s great to leave anger and frustrations on stage. However the aftermath of releasing no matter what venue I’m at, I just get paranoid, questioning why I said what I said on stage. Who’s listening and their potential comments etc. That comfort is missing.
I never know if I’m doing the right thing. The feeling is, I’m existing to just exist for people’s entertainment or like a book one would pick up on occasion when they feel down and need something to relate too. It’s almost like i rather harm myself than cause harm to anyone else so I’ll back down. Trusting myself is the biggest battle i’m having thus far.
That’s where the brief thought of never coming back to LA, or cutting off everyone came about. It’s nothing personal. I wouldn’t even know where I would go honestly. Isolation is not a good place for me. Just a few days ago, I canceled a hangout because everything just flared up. After a brief conversation the person understood. I been in and out of work for both 9-5 jobs in March, due to bone problems in my foot, I get intense dizzy spells, financial stress etc. I literally did not back down from performances and interviews pulling up on crutches. Realistically speaking that’s not cool. That’s not a flex. That’s not healthy. As much as I speak on giving grace to self to people I care about I need to follow it.
I tend to feel things on an intense level. That’s how God made me. I’m grateful for that, because I have the ability to connect with any and everyone that comes across my path. The issue that comes about is, I latch on to that person’s energy and don’t know how filter it out of my system.
Nowadays I try to be more transparent with my feelings instead of just saying “I’m good.”
Nah. I’m not okay. I’m not okay at all.
Haven’t been for months, and this is all on me. I have a reputation of being harsh on myself. I’m getting more accustomed to taking hit after hit and move by any means it shouldn’t be like that. Pain is not something that should be normalized. Things are finally bubbling up and taking hit after hit after awhile the natural response is coming back with something to defend yourself. Some view me as “emotionally mature”, but I just know I got a long way to go in all honesty. I have my immature side.
I never know what’s next and that’s what makes life, life. All in all it’s a beautiful and painful experience.
You can’t run from both, the beauty and the pain.
As a good friend told me, Healing is uncomfortable.
With all that being said, my first feature show is tonight. Got some new pieces and new music to perform. I’ll update more after the performances.
*Note: in case you’re wondering the titles of these posts are named after an album and song I listen too frequently. In relation, similar as the actual meaning behind Isaiah Rashad’s album, this house I been building for several years is definitely on fire, and I have no idea how to put it out from the inside. Valuables turning into ash, memories fading away, and I feel I must move quickly to save everything, but myself.