Our past and current conditions shape how we interact with the world at large. I don’t really think anything ever truly dies, but its just morphs and transforms into something else. Whatever that looks like from the eyes we bare its up to us to choose how to adapt.
Yesterday, I met up with an old crush from my past. About 3-4 years ago. Instead of being mature enough to confront and voice how I felt on the inside surrounding situations pertaining us both I chosen to run and ghost. Yes, we all have the agency to go with the decision that feels the most safe for us, ourselves as individuals, however years later I can see it being detrimental to my personal growth.
The cycle and path I’ve been on this past year has been one where I don’t say anything and allowing myself to get walked all over. This translates to anger. This translates to urges to act out. As of right now, at this moment I have a few diss tracks in my song vault, some of which are coming out, but others waiting for anyone to give me an excuse to release them. Thats the state I’ve been in because my body feels its been pushed to its limits. My spirit is weary and feels like it’s difficult to get people to understand my paranoia. Things seem very black and white now. My mind kind of goes to any place where its looking for anything off. Hyper vigilance. Danger. Not only external, but internal as well. Things are resurfacing. The accountability I refuse to uphold when it comes to honoring me is taking a toll.
It feels as if sticking up for myself costs. Sacrificing. I truthfully always held the biggest fear of speaking up in any context. A goal I revealed to my cast for Silhouettes Of Scarlet is hold myself more accountable. I feel that I don’t hold myself accountable to the admittance of wrong doings or participation in situations, but truthfully I think it really me just having self-respect for myself.
Being in Monterey the few days taught me something important: The past doesn’t die.
It just doesn’t.
Having a conversation with my friend Alie who just became a professor on campus was telling me administration was screening her poems because I said fuck the President 9 years ago on stage. Damn near every-time i’m back in the area someone brings it back up. In the past when it was brought back up I deep down felt embarrassed, like why the hell did I let myself go? My built up resentment. My anger. My hero complex getting in the way for the community. I see it all repeating in a different way. I have resentment towards how volatile my relationships with people been. I feel as if people come at me foul and I take it under the chin because it’s expected for me to take it under the chin. What the hell happened to my emotions and when did I start disregarding them as if they aren’t important. The sheer foundation of my human experience attempting to delete for myself but validate and stick up for others.
My therapist asked me to review my relationship with my parents. While they done an amazing job, it’s important to know that things were volatile growing up. There’s no handbook raising a child, and as an adult I can understand the stress my folks was under. I remember shouting matches as I crawled through the corridor hallway toward the living room at 5 years old. Drunk rage. Verbal abuse on both ends. In my teenage years, and well into adulthood I was honestly fearful of talking to my mother about how things come off when engaging in a conflict with her. I fold. Same with my Dad. My therapist told me that we tend to share for relationships that mirror the relationship with our parents.
Reviewing all the relationships I had the past two years, and this old crush included I didn’t uphold a sense of self-respect. Self-worth. I could see the red flags a mile away, but froze. This person from years ago, expressed they were in the midst of changes and got caught up in that. Another pattern I see myself falling into. Somehow, I’m always entering someone’s life during a crucial change of identity. That has to say something. I know change is a huge fear of mine. Its here. It always has been. I been reclusive this year on my energy and attempting to be more intentional with me so as an result, my friendships suffer. I get confronted. I build resentment. Anger. There’s cycles at play.
Every last ex-partner. Coming into the picture right after an heartbreak, dealing with the aftermath and emotional residue from it. Some cases I was just a rebound. Others with the transition, they was just going through financial woes and looking for emotional support. Once they got what was needed they dipped out. Specifically my interaction with this individual kick started this idea I need to start back tracking, untangle myself and get to the root of things.
Another common denominator with everyone I’m seeing is emotional cushion. I make people feel good so therefore I’m good for something right? I always want to make everyone feel like they are worth it. That they have so much life to look forward to. I hate to see people limit themselves, because I been there. From my elementary school principal to legends, icons in the industry punching down at me I encourage my community, people I don’t know on the street to do whatever they want and speak life into they dreams. Speaking life into something is more than just verbally talking, or having affirmations its actively living it. Its a huge soft spot for me.
Now look at me. I been talking to someone for a minute on the low. Taking things super slow and I get worried that I’m using this connection as a emotional cushion while I’m going through crucial life changes. Its all cycle.
I grown to become appreciative of my struggle as I obtain different perspectives. As I told Alie, I don’t know what type of person I would be if I didn’t get falsely accused of S.A. in college. I learned that not everyone can be trusted with personal information, as that was weaponized against me and almost got me locked up in Jail or prison. I also learned how to communicate, and what people may look at me as. To check my emotions, but the volatile experience has led me to become fearful of what may come. During the last rehearsal for Silhouettes Of Scarlet, there was a huge discussion amongst the cast regarding intimacy. As discussion was heating up, and we had to dismiss due to time. I felt the need to check in with everyone because my brain processed as something volatile or unstable.
There’s no running from fear. Growing is inevitable. Its how we grow where we hold the most control. The choices. When you’re called to do something, thats just what it is. The call to put together a musical at this very moment in time. The call to release music. To resolve a three year old issue I ran from.
Hell, the moment I left LA, this time around I felt immediate tranquility. What does that say? I viewed traveling as something that helps grounds myself. I think it may just be another vice. Another something that helps me run away. At times nowadays I fear those closest to me use my issues with vices or accountability against me. I’m a bit uneasy.
Honestly, things like this makes me want to close up and stay private even more.
During this trip to Monterey, after performing the sold out acoustic show, I met an old professor in the audience. She expressed she lost damn near everything. No family. Both parents gone. Turning to work to keep herself a float. She said she really resonated with my story. Prior to me coming to Monterey, literally the night before I met a woman named Sunita at Hollywood Fringe office hours. She has a show called "Back To Me." We held space for each other regarding our grief. She is another human I encountered that lost everything. Her mother. Her child. She’s so young too. We both cried in the middle of the room of laughs, cheers and business. During the first office hours event, I spoken to a woman named Heather who has the show called "Quicksand" which is also about grief. She lost her mother last year.
Re-connecting with my old crush, they expressed their current partner lost their mother this past year.
The toughest thing about grief is that you feel it, and the world stops, but the everything around you continues as if nothing ever happened in the first place.
That’s terrifying. It lead to self-gaslighting like “I am really crazy? Am what I am experiencing is real? Would everyone understand how I operate, or may operate from here on out?”
Thing is it doesn’t matter what others think or feel, it matter what we think and feel on the inside. Individually. At the end of the day, we have to honor the feeling. I got friends starting families, adopting kids, feeling as if things are too far gone to create a family, moving out of the country expanding their lives and what they doing.
We must honor our stories.
Terrified is the last song I played before I ghosted and disappeared three years ago. I couldn't listen to it back then and it's still difficult to listen to now, even with yesterday's conversation being a healthy and healing experience for us both.