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  • Writer's pictureChris Siders

Everything, May The Lord Watch

It’s confirmed. If everything goes according to plan, everything I know, life as how I know it now, will change by the end of summer. 

God spoke to me Saturday. Always in subtle messages, and ways. Its a very similar feeling I got in Summer 2021. Right now, everyone at my day job is quitting and moving on. This is the 4th or 5th time during my employment at the James Armstrong Theatre the entire technician crew is leaving. The first time this happened it wasn’t that bad as there were two remaining crew members left over, but when those two left that was a gut punch. That hurt. 

This the natural order of things. Some friends you have for your entire life (in my case I have 3), some groups you out-grow, some you fall out, some people pass away etc. it never gets easier. During this retrograde season, someone’s name from 7 years ago popped up in conversation. Someone I had a huge falling out with. This person orchestrated threats and violence towards me. My body tensed up originally hearing they name and knowing they in the area til July for work. It just so happens to be a space where a friend asked me for support to navigate. Its one of those things again, where I ask myself, how am I going navigate this with me being a black man versus the word of a white woman? 

Me doing Silhouettes Of Scarlet confronting my fears, confronting my grief, and this happening at the same time is causing my anxiety to spike. I have these moments of “fuck that, everyone can kick my fucking ass. I’m taking up all the space. I’m stunning on niggas with the flyest shit on. I am that nigga. I am himothony. God in the flesh. Can’t tell me nothing” and sometimes that flips to shit, “I’m scared as hell. Am I making the real move? Does align with my morals? What am I getting as a result of confronting these problems of mine? Am I just traumatizing myself?”

Had a great conversation with Thandi about the idea of letting people back in your space. The thought process behind it. We had similar experiences where our dreams have led us to place where things didn’t end well in conversation. I know some doors are meant to be left closed, but I been thinking about certain people from years back. I feel i have a good track record when it comes to resolving problems after time has passed. Just like the person in Monterey, there’s another one from couple years back where we was really great friends for a couple years, shit got weird because we tried something I felt disrespected and hurt so I’ve let her know. Im not sure I would say I’ve actually attempted to try to resolve it because i was so upset. It definitely stings a bit, but man I want my friend back. 

I noticed theres been quite the distance between me and very important people in my life at the moment. As I said on the previous blog, I got confronted by the distance a few weeks ago. My stance on it is this hyper fixation of success. I got one parent left. One grandparent left. We don’t have any new blood in our family. No babies to carry on the legacy. My brother’s girlfriend had a miscarriage a week ago. I just found out yesterday after getting home from work. I wanted to call, but I was extremely sick. Could barely move my body. Sore throat. I cried myself to sleep for a few reasons: 1) the thought of losing a child. My cousin lost her child a few years back and it haunts her to this day. 2) He was looking forward to being a Dad I was looking forward to being an Uncle. It’s almost as if thats the closest thing I can get when it comes being a father. Its a huge dream of mine. 3) What the hell have I been doing for my brother not to feel comfortable enough to share something as important as that, whats going on? Have I been that distant? That really made me sad. 

Fucked up thing about it, the day after I was back to work. Still super sick. Running around so much I forgot to call. I have a close friend in Monterey thats about to become a father now. Baby is due in September hope it turns out well. 

Lanair's Flower in Zurich album

Release April 29th, 2024. Pre-Save here.

There’s a misconception I believe surrounding my relationship with work currently. In the past, i was definitely running from a lot. Grief. Heartbreak. Anger. At the moment, I just got too many projects going at one time. So much I had to delay my Zurich album to get it right, but its good now. While doing this musical, I been wrapping up (you guessed it) another album, but trust me it’ll make a lot of sense when it comes out. It’ll be out in May. Just like my tour dates I gotta learn to spread everything out. Theres a particular plan me and management have and keeping on schedule but God laughs at our plans often to give us new tools.  

My whole thing, I come from an era where you got to show and probe what you about. At times, I felt I gone behind that and still haven’t been given the type of support I wanted. It’s always in the shadows. Here and there its a “so and so is worried about you. Thinking about you. Care about you.” It’s like I appreciate the thoughts, but when will I get confronted? It’s never from the source always through someone else. Again the best thing anyone can do is support the endeavors I have going on. These aren’t kindergarten projects im doing just say I did it. These are things I always wanted to do to further advance my career. Somewhere down the line an hip hop musical was already in the plans. Since 2014. It just happened now. Collaborations. Expansion etc. has all literally been in the plans. Just starting now. Its with good reason because some great business moves being made. 

But back to the show and prove thing, LA is so trash when it comes to getting people to rally behind what you got going on if you not politicking. I rather skip that bs. Some of my underground rap heroes are straight up assholes and scam artists. Mothafuckas talk a big game when it comes to supporting other artists. Giving a platform is one thing. Paying a few hundred dollars for a 5-10 minute set where people not even paying attention to you is another thing. 

Had to convince my sister to stop doing business with someone because of their predatory behavior. On the low too, I seen him dissing me on social media. I got his ass on 2AM in Zurich. Its like yo you already “out there” (kinda.) I need people to stop thinking that I won’t defend myself no matter what status you have, what kind of relation you have to me. Normally, I would love to resolve issues, but if you flying out the window randomly without attempting a conversation first all gloves are off. Same goes for people that wants to get involved in shit that doesn’t effect them but can fuck up my shit or cause problems. 

Silhouettes Of Scarlet been going great. Actors getting their lines down. Orchestra is coming together. Dance rehearsal is tonight. I definitely forgot how stressful it is being in the director and producer’s chair for a theatre production. Especially a musical as this is my first one (directing a musical.) Rule number one when it comes to theatre: Don’t panic. You set the tone. If anyone on crew that includes technicians panic that will throw off the energy and everyone wont be focused on “how can I resolve this?” 

I read somewhere “controlling your emotions is important because it will cost you later.” 

The rules applied in the theatre space can be applied to life beyond the space. Don’t panic. Actually take charge. You can control the flow of things, but not the outcome.

Maybe I should take more chances on betting on myself despite it causing tension between me and my friends. I hit a couple close ones up recently apologizing for my absent. Gotten no response.

Not sure what to think, and maybe this my ego speaking, but yo man, things are finally happening is anyone happy for me? Everyone wants a friend, but are you going to let that friend do anything in they power to succeed? Its like a friend moving away. We sad about it, but they gotta live and do what they gotta do for their life. 

I may have it all wrong and I’m definitely open to being wrong, just not sure how my peers view me nowadays. 

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