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  • Writer's pictureChris Siders

The Off-Season, l e t . g o . m y . h a n d

Updated: Jul 5, 2022

This blog post is not about my performances in Long Beach & Reno. That will be saved for a later blog post.

I’m probably gonna end up saying too much on this blog, but this is how I feel at the current moment and I need to let it out.

Trigger warning: sexual assault/depression/escapism.

It’s no secret how as soon as I left for Monterey earlier this month part of me did not want to come back to LA. Part of me feel like everyone is out to hurt me, to take advantage or out to get me. I spoke to my good friend, Angie the other night talking about these thoughts lately and truthfully speaking I don’t have any substantial evidence that points to people having an extreme hate towards me. I explained my fears of losing her as a friend and others around me currently.

Years ago, with my trauma of being falsely accused of sexual harassment and being a survivor of it, a lot of people turned their backs on me that didn’t even know me. People that claimed to love me without any deep connection other than watching me perform and taking my words to heart. The feeling and pain of that hate lingers to this day. On an intimacy level, it's damn near impossible to initiate any kind of physical connection. Also I feel the need to talk about this situation a ton. It’s kinda like if we’re to get closer as people, I have to get this out the way and constantly prove my innocence. Beat whomever to the punch. I’m doing this to show you, despite what the world may perceive me as already as a black man, I’m not a monster. The more I don’t express myself the more I feel I’m keeping secrets from people. I hate that feeling. Maybe i just have a lot to say.

I’m not a monster. I secretly tell myself all day everyday.

I told my family years later about the incident. My parents and my sister was crying feeling I was going to suffer the same fate as Emmett Till, as this was all at the hands of a white individual. This the same year as the “When They See Us” documentary came out about the Central Park five. To this day I never watched it. Way too painful. The older I get, the more time passes I feel I gotten over it, but it’s just dormant.

I have this fear of hurting people on any level. Doesn’t really matter if people did me dirty. Now currently, i’m learning if I experience pain to not stand there and take it under the chin. There’s an option to walk away. Recently, I been gaslit by some people, while they aren’t probably conscious of doing this, it’s what’s happening. I feel my traumas has been weaponized against me to make me feel guilty about decisions I made to take care of myself. They may not understand it, but I simply walked away.

Photo: Proh Magazine Feature. Buy a copy here

In return, there’s a thought running through my head that I am messing up my relationships with everyone. I found myself to be irritable. To dissociate mid-conversation. I stay in my room all day. I spend most of my days by myself working (to clarify this is while I’m currently in LA awaiting my next show. One got moved to a different day. Another one got canceled.) Even if I’m not working theres just me. Here. I been waking up every morning with my entire body aching. I find myself wanting to scream and cuss everyone out. I haven’t been on my typical exercise regiment of being active everyday and I LOVE exercising. I want to reach out to people, but I stop myself. If I do reach out I get resentful afterwards asking myself, “Why am I the only one reaching out? Why do it feel like I’m the only one that gotta throw love in the mix to keep this afloat?” Admittedly I acknowledge this definitely a form of being possessive… or it’s probably not, I don’t know. People say i’m harsh on myself, but whatever it is, I just feel it’s a toxic trait. The need for control versus paying the respect that everyone loves differently. That’s why communication is important to find a happy medium for everyone involved.

Depression is really getting up there. Some may read this and feel that I’m not there or it’s not me speaking. Contrary to that belief I’m still here, theres just not a full understanding of me as a person and that’s no one’s fault.

I been realizing more and more recently that I just love folks on a intense level. More than the average person. I have an habit of asking a few friends if I’m being a burden or too much. I want to open up and connect. I want whomever even if it’s someone I just met, to feel like they can turn to me if they feel like they have no one left. As a matter of fact, at one of the out of state shows there was a young woman in tears in front of me. I had no idea what was going on. I made it a point, to pull her to the side and take deep breaths with her and try to assure that everything is going to be okay. Told her friends that was present to send her my love. I have no idea what was going in her personal life. I just know that feeling of thinking there’s no one there all too well. I been there several times and I’m currently in that space now. I don’t have the mental or emotional capacity for much nowadays.

There’s nothing worse than feeling alone in a world with the Devil lurking.

I don’t know what to do. God wakes me up pretty early every morning around 3-5am and I get this feeling that I’m just floating somewhere aimlessly. Time passing. I ask God to reveal what I need to know. Specific questions of who exactly is gonna be here after a certain time. I haven’t gotten a response, or maybe that’s the response right there. To just wait. I always had an issue with patience, being consumed with this on the go lifestyle of mine. My pastor calls and texts pretty often and I haven’t made time to go to bible study.

I just picked up a third job for some extra money. ALL the money I received while on tour so far even some that I had beforehand went back towards my music business. Bills is wild. However, I know the VERY last thing I need to do to put more responsibilities and people’s emotions on top of what’s already on my brain. Hell, there’s things I was supposed to do yesterday that I didn’t do because I don’t feel good.

My next performance is in Humboldt on Tuesday. I know I’ma have a great time traveling and performing. I just hope I don’t lose my head in the process.

I finally was able to make an appointment to see my doctor about my foot that’s been injured since end of February.

Health first right?

Apologies for this being a tough read.

Thank you for being here.

I appreciate you.

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