Start From Scratch, The Documentary
I’m unforgiving to the world, because I was never given grace for my emotions in how I feel.
To humanize. To mess up, I succumb to the pressure of being perfect. Whether it be amongst my family, my community, friends, potential romantic interests etc. i feel belittled.
As a black man, to cry is like an act of violence. To show emotion is like being a “bitch” or “too deeply invested.” With everyone around the past 12 years, this what my brain translated.
I think I hold a deep hatred for the world around me. That hatred leads to obviously resentment, but a loneliness where I’m in this deep hole where I’m not entirely sure I want to leave. Subconsciously, I rather be here than to love or trust anyone. It’s bizarre. I see myself becoming hatred personified. To be cold-hearted. To be harsh. Have no empathy and let my heart shrink.
The generational trauma bestowed from my father and mother affected my maneuvers. Since a child they told me do not trust anyone. People will hurt you. You will make more friends. You’ll meet more potential partners. Stick to yourself. I never felt right with this even since I was a kid. As an adult in college, there’s been situation after situation where I felt I’ve given myself to people only to get backstabbed. I’m not sure if it stemmed from life or death situations of getting jumped, being homeless, being prepared to square-up fight and go toe-to-toe with fraternity of men. Now it’s like I be on defense for people to leave me alone.
My survivors remorse in a strange way is what keeps me human. The death of my brother. Death of friends. There was months my sophomore year of college, I thought I was seeing death everywhere. With the scythe, black hooded, tall etc. just following me in a crowd of people.
I’m first and only child of my generation to graduate college. I was the golden child. My grandfather passed without his story told because of my resentment towards him.
It felt like I’m the one that can end the “curses.” On a bigger scale with the community and world at hand, it feels like people planned this idea that eventually morphed to a hero complex for myself, that I have to change the world.
Circa 2009. Beginnings of making music.
I just want to live. I crave to be human.
I sincerely struggle with not leaving often. I feel so ashamed to tell people I really want to leave. At the same time, I need to stay. I do have a responsibility to adhere too. Before leaving this place I have to ensure everyone is loved. Whether they know it or not from myself or their loved ones.
Also to pick up where Evan left off. All this work can’t be for nothing. I didn’t leave town to perform just for my grandmother to pass away and me not being there. Dealing with that was tough to swallow. Her birthday is on the 20th this month, in two days. I have a performance that night. A pretty big one too.
Just a week ago, I found out a college friend passed away. Its so much. Just so much.
My unforgiving nature is making me rethink my position regarding old friends and acquaintances. At this point, its about getting out of my own way to recover and amend.
I’m tired of dying often. I’m doing everything I can to not make it permanent.
I expressed to someone the other night that sometimes you gotta fall apart to put yourself back together better than ever before.
I need to let go, let myself fall where I may with love.