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  • Writer's pictureChris Siders

Saint Pablo, The Life Of Pablo.

“The brain doesn’t feel, The heart can’t think.”

Photo by Edward Isais. Modeling with Megan.

5 years ago, I met someone randomly at a poetry event my mentor Mike The Poet was putting on. They reached out this past June, however, I wasn’t available and our schedules just didn’t align til a few days ago.

Meeting for the second time ever in life, and speaking we were going through the same things regarding grief. Acknowledging the levels on grief that comes with losing love ones to death, heartbreak, and striving to excel in our respective careers.

Days removed from our space in that conversation, I realize that some people are a direct mirror of ourselves.

I seen the turmoil in her eyes. She cried a bit as we hung out talking about her struggles in life at the moment and the sudden transitions. It’s very brave of her. I commend her for that. I seriously struggle with crying now for some reason.

Sometimes I wonder if my tiredness and exhaustion is connected to my ego. Lately, I feel like J Cole as if people are throwing me the bronze medal as if I am not one of the most hardest working artists out here. I am. I’ve been told consistently my work ethic is great and stay on it, but maybe I expect more.

Yesterday I cried silently in bed. Spoke to a friend recently about ideas and work we put into to save the world, but at the same time wouldn’t mind watching it burn. Things burning is also allowing room for anew as well.

I have days where I can’t stand who I become. I’m lashing out a lot more. My anger is becoming more intense. If someone says something at the wrong time, I fear I may snap at them. I snapped at my mom a couple times, not cussing out, however showing I am visibly upset. There was actually an incident at work, where a disabled employee who has trouble walking (I don’t know if clocked in earlier or clocked out) wanted to cut through the building to get to his car in the back lot. I let him through, then the client got upset chewed me out. Talking about reporting me. Started talking about me to other volunteers in my face.

It took everything inside me in that moment to not explode. Thats my issue. I implode. Lately, my stomach starts turning when I’m feeling a way. I never felt like this before.

I hold a lot of guilt not seeing my friends. One of them going out of town for a year and a half soon and haven’t made time to see them. So engulfed in my sadness and throwing myself into making my music. These albums I been making is similar to the Winchester House in Northern California. In 1895, Sarah Winchester started construction on a property in San Jose. She believed she would have bad luck if she ever stopped. So up until the day she died in 1922, she created a massive mansion. Her paranoia of ghosts and spirits hunting her spiraled into her creating doors and hallways that led to nowhere. The property is considered one of the most hunted places in the world.

"Dandelion" (feat. jly) Snippet. Produced by Chris Siders, Ioana Istrate & Kyle Davis.

My personal madness is making me add things and continuously build upon an idea thats already carried out properly. I believe now I’m just making excuses to prolong pain. Prolonging just makes everything worst.

For example, I had a connection with quite a few people recently. Deep ones. In my eyes, every last one them have proven to me things are just surface level. I sincerely hate always getting labeled as the “emotional” person for wanting to communicate, to talk things through. How these individuals handled it was a very nonchalant manner. That is disheartening and disappointing to say the least.

Another example, a woman named Marlene, last night told me about her battle against a brain tumor. It only occurred due to her high levels of stress. Mid-operation doctors expressed that she’s wasn’t going to make it. Told her family and everything. She pulled through and was in rehab for an month or so. She had to learn how walk, talk, eat, move her arms etc. In rehab she told me she cried hard, and have never cried before. Shortly after leaving rehab she battled grief surrounding her Uncle whom she lost at an young age.

Marlene recommended that I talk to Dad more. Like really let him know whats going on with myself now. At this very moment.

I need to figure out how to release these feelings, otherwise it can turn fatal. Yesterday I finally told my mother about an abusive relationship I was in. She knew I was dating them. I don’t like tell her things about my personal life because I don’t want her to worry. However, I'm just so angry. As I said in previous blogs, she has a lot going on emotionally with my Dad’s passing. She even told me she broke down in the middle of the store getting eggs because Dad always talked about making sure we got eggs. Me and Dad are the only ones that eat eggs.

While my mission hasn’t changed regarding what I always wanted to accomplish with my artistry: generating impact, expanding the legacy, leaving behind a blueprint, things have definitely got more real. Not that I haven’t had my family in mind the entire time, but I am more aware they are the priority. Love is responsibility in other words as how my friend Eddie said it, “Responsibility is freedom.” The freedom to create opportunities to generate wealth and care for love ones and self. Something a lot of people aren’t granted.

Our artistry and health is all we got to provide. We gotta strive to be better everyday.

What the fuck do you live for? What is your why? For self sometimes is not enough.

Everything has to be for the right people.

My new House/EDM EP "Prescription Rhythm" with Gabriel Bourdeau

Artwork by Nhi Dang & Jamie Lee

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