I'ma B Fine, MAGIC iN Madness

Lately, I been going back to Bible Study and tune into my pastor’s prayer line. The very first lesson that was being presented as I jumped on was “save your own soul, first. God wants you to strengthen yourself up. Don’t worry what everyone else is going through. You don’t have the power to control their outcome. God does. The best thing you can do is pray for them. Don’t take on their burdens or problems.”

I often feel guilty if I can’t actively help or come up with solutions to problems my friends or community members are facing. I guess it’s because I see myself watching them as they navigate through hardships. A reminder of when I felt like I had fend for myself. To figure out life, communication, connection, business all by myself. The common thread I been seeing amongst my circle is the idea of Human. How do we cater to our human, what does it look like, what does a healthy relationship with self look like, a healthy relationship interacting with the world look like etc. I started a water fast recently amidst returning to bible study and I’ll definitely say my mind is a lot more clearer and my body is a lot more mobile. 

I feel like society has molded me into something I’m not and that’s been my constant battle. Society wants me to take on the traditional role of being a provider, protector all amidst neglecting myself in the process. God’s teachings based upon the word, is letting me know the idea of softness. 

Softness is a term that is not heard often where I’m from. Using the term is almost derogatory when calling to action. Saying “hey man you need to be more soft.” The response would be “Man I ain’t no bitch.” I’ve hardened myself up so much to the point I hate engaging in conversations. Dialogues kinda tire me out. The thought of being open kinda terrifies me nowadays. For a good chunk of the year, I avoided someone and guised it as me processing situations, because I didn’t know how to say: “Hey this situation triggered me, it’s not your fault. I am not scared of you per se, but I am scared of where this may lead.” Instead of allowing connections to naturally flourish and take shape as it’s destined to potentially become all I could think about is defensiveness. Control. What does that go back to? Prayer. Intimacy. 

“I cannot allow you to see me this way because I don’t know your intentions.” That’s the intrusive thought that comes to mind. A couple friends of mine recently was like “Chris, if you want connections or certain things you are going to have to go ahead and say it yourself then take it from there.” I hate the unknown. I’ve always been someone that needs to know if it’s okay to do something before proceeding or in other words “tell me how you feel so I can meet you where you at and figure something out where we can all move forward accordingly.” It’s maybe my Virgo, Venus in my astrological placement chart (yes I am one of those people that definitely follow it haha.) 

However it says I’m very practical when it comes to connection. As in I think logically often on how to make a situation work. The hard part about is I am a Pisces Moon, so I am a lover boy. A dreamer if you will. I fantasize often about crushes. Another friend of mine said I probably fall too quickly. Even with all the fantasizing my bones get scared. If I fantasize too much where does that lead other than unrequited feelings? Contrary to popular belief, i actually don’t date much. I know so many people that actively see 10-20 people a year probably. I only seen 5 or 6 in the past three years. My practical side is saying: “You don’t have a car, you have an okay job, you have so much to learn, but you are building something great.” Just every partner’s dream, right? 

Even without so much stability and building something great with community, I find it odd I am still hit with the label of “intimidating.” As a black man, that’s not a pleasant thing to hear. Especially exploring this concept of softness and attempting to understand what that mean for self, how it may relate to self etc. 

My dream friendship is someone that can hold me and call me in as well as teach me lessons through their character. How do you carry yourself in the face of adversity, conflict, uncomfortbility? How do you stand in the middle of chaos? How do you stand in the middle of peace? How do you stand in the middle of joy? All of these things are learned in due process with how we interact with our respective upbringings and environments. I written out a list of things I want in a dream partner. I stopped myself several times over the last several years from writing that out because I felt I may set the standard too high, gaslighting myself thinking that the person I want doesn’t exist and isn’t out there. All of that is untrue. I found all of those qualities in fragments so far. The thought of setting a standard to high comes with the thought of feeling like “I’m too much” or telling myself “I can’t provide much due to what I have.” That is an insecurity of mine. Ideally as a family man, as a community man, I want to provide, but when I can’t, I go silent and shame myself for it. 

I remember when a ex-partner of mine had a salary job that paid well, at the same time, I held down three jobs and my career.  She talked about taking us both out and I’m like “Yo I can do that too, just give me sometime.” I didn’t voice it, but I was definitely insecure about it. Not about the dynamic of being a man, but just the intense to desire to show up in every way possible, and that’s just impossible. I am not superman. 

Yesterday a close friend said I admire your tenacity, you keep going. I just responded with man I’m just honestly hard-headed. My hard-headedness and God is honestly how I feel like I am still able to stand. My stubbornness is certainly flawed just like several parts of myself, but my father has taught me to never be a quitter. I am reminded of that every day I come into work. Literally down the street from the hospital he passed away in. I pass it on my way to work everyday. God is teaching me how to be a lover. In every sense of that word. Being a lover comes with Grace. I used to think it just came down to understanding, thinking logically, thinking critically about how we may feel when something may potentially occur based upon experience, the words behind the external actions. Something I always forget, man, what about just actually feeling, internally. My brain wants to make the answers so complex, when it’s simple. You have to feel. Make someone feel that they can feel safe to feel. Can I look at myself in the mirror and say I accomplish that as a leader, as a son, as a man, as a lover, as a community man? I don’t think so. I’m just speaking truthfully. 

Enduring a breakup, I remember one of my OG who’s a retired player ( love you family if you reading this) told me, “In the middle of all this, did you hold her hand and kiss it?” I was sitting there like man she ain’t give me no consent to do that. I ain’t trying to violate boundaries or make it seem like I’m belittling or manipulating or sexualizing her. He said “No, no. I know you are not about that. I’m sure she does too, however, being there is different than making people feel you are actually there. In the romantic context it’s making someone feel safe. Being a provider, making someone feel safe and held. 

Something I have yet to understand honestly, is when he told me “certain things you are going to have to learn when you are in a particular connection.” My brain flips to “I need to nip all this shit in the bud before anything. Whomever may not deal with whatever I’m dealing with.” I’ve gotten that before. 2023 when everything was going down, friends from that point and time was not willing to put up with my spiraling. It’s not their responsibility certainly, but I do understand the need of feeling held. 

In all my connections, friends and all, my way of showing safety is the attempt of being present emotionally. Physically is where I lack. I feel I know where that is coming from. I always desired a feeling of emotional presence over physical, logical and mental. I’m sure its because my experience in physical closeness is low.

What I come to realize lately is to hate is easy, love is extremely difficult. 

I have a close friend who recently told me during with his walk with God he’s been tempted to murder someone for doing him wrong in an extreme way years ago. He told me, “God told me to forgive him, I was pissed off, but he is also God’s child too. It’s not right. It’ll be murdering his child.” Today they are closer than ever before. I know of another incident where someone approached another individual coming clean of wrong-doings years after the fact. The person that was approached accepted the apology. In the Bible, no sin is greater than the other and wondered how I would react if being in such a position to accept. During these weeks of returning to Bible Study and the congregation, I prayed for God to remove the hate out of my heart. To constantly live in hate is no way to live. Sometimes with all of our flaws it’s extremely difficult to forgive, to open and ultimately love individuals of all connections wholeheartedly. It’s a form of acceptance. 

I know it’s probably going to be one of the most hardest challenges in my life so far, but I do want to explore this idea of acceptance. 

With the way things are now with exploration, my career, my health, navigation, I desire softness. I crave softness. I told the Silhouettes Of Scarlet production crew I struggle with catering to my human. I don’t think I even allowed to feel the grief of my auntie’s passing until the funeral which was weeks after the third run of Silhouettes. It’s the strangest thing of feeling as if your mind and heart is lagging, but your body is moving at the speed of light. 

There needs to be a separation between my work and me. We are not one in the same. I explore myself through my work, yes, but that’s it. I was a little sad (it’s not their fault) I had to tell someone I kinda want to be soft around because my heart trusts them “Hey what you see on social media ain’t always it. I am not as complex as you may think. I am a simple man. If I get a breakfast burrito, my day is instantly made. I like to just talk about life and things.” I don’t know if my tenacity or hard-headedness for success and my dreams gets in the way of that desired softness. 

Or maybe someway of being emotionally understood. 

I experienced so much death around me. A close friend is experiencing kidney failure operating at 14 percent. His spirit is bright definitely a main inspiration of me constantly reflecting and striving to improve myself on being a better human being. I pray for him often and I worry about my family members that are getting old.

It’s true sometimes, people really just need a hug or even a prayer.