A friend of mine Angie, brought up an excellent point regarding how I move in life as well as my relationships with people.
Live in the moment. Have a healthy balance of joy and being serious. Enjoy your days, and balance that with thinking critically.
Admittedly I have an horrible habit of thinking critically all the time. This has caused old and current relationships with people to crumble or carry a unstable foundation.
This stems from a place of control. I fear that people will leave my life often and that people don’t really care. I feel as if I been on my own often. From the relationship with my parents, old friends, lovers and the environments I participated in. I created my own home that wasn’t the safest. I feel this the reason why I side-eye everyone often. Why I’m so paranoid. Part of the reason why when I became part of the palms up academy community, I was a bit shook in feeling that one day someone was plotting on me to cause harm. I’m used to being on the defensive often.
This lone wolf mentality is self-destructive and dangerous to roam around with.
I realized that I recently talked so much to someone about living in the moment and enjoying the moments with each other, I panicked internally whenever we are together because of this fear of getting hurt or them disappearing. Projected what I want it versus practicing that behavior.
I had so many great moments with bad people, or so I say people I no longer get along with or speak to. Its very possible to hold those close while baring not so great feelings towards them. Had several of those situations the past year alone. What I question is why when things are going great I don’t fully immerse in what’s in front of me? The experience taken place? Like I literally just got approved to perform in Switzerland, however, I’m going through problems and that’s all I can think about. I should be celebrating. That’s just how my brain is wired. I'm striving towards improving that.
Its haunting. Its heartbreaking.
With those haunting thoughts you chase this “high” over and over again then when its suddenly gone you become blinded by the hurt and venture off on treacherous paths to fill a void. Done somethings I’m not proud of recently to fill this void. Of course its important to feel and grieve what was lost. However, within’ the grieving I feel there most be a sense of recollecting great moments instead of all the things that went wrong.
On here I’ve talked about my old friendships often as that sparked a shift in how I move in life. Nowadays I find myself going back and forth in reconciling and saying “fuck that” because of I’m being conscious of the energy around me or at least that’s what my mind is telling me. My heart thinks differently. I’m so overprotective to a fault. Not only of myself, but with others. That gets me hurt too. When I see people hurt I just want to hold them. Something holding can lead to scars. I unfortunately can’t keep everyone. A lesson I have yet to learn. To be quite frank it’s pretty fucked up having to repeat this. With that, I fear that i’m going to end up being by myself pushing everyone away because I have difficulty getting myself together.
I even put myself in harms way. I see something comes from miles away and still choose to sit there like I’m a boulder. I know how to shut down and become a boulder and hold everything down, but when that storm is over I’m left with so much water in me I can fill several ocean beds with my tears. I stay silent currently to eventually explode later. I am a crier. I am a feeler. Sometimes I deep down despise that to my core while I do sincerely love that side of me. That’s how I know I’m still there, and I haven’t lost myself. The day I lose that is when death is permanent. I’m in a world where showing emotion is weak and can get you killed.
I died several times, get reincarnated in different lessons then get killed in the act of mistakes and now I question if I’m dying again. It’s exhausting. Very exhausting. I must train myself to control my pensive nature for sake of others and myself. It’s so easy to spiral. I been making so much music the past few days. Like my peace is a bit disturbed. What’s different is typically there would be disruptions here and there.
I deserve to enjoy life. I have the essentials around me and at a certain point I had everything I wanted around me. Why the hell did I let go the things I wanted? This strange conditioning of feeling like we don’t deserve the good things that enter our lives are concerning. Why is that is?
Is so easy to look surface level upon smiles, but on the other-side of that smile is something different. I wonder sometimes, if people look at my accomplishments and think everything is great.
But I can tell you right now, everything is far from great. Very far. I still struggle in every sense of the word in every area of my being.
Just because you struggle however, doesn’t mean you are broken or unworthy. It’s easy to get caught up in that mentality as often struggles are associated with negative perspectives and it’s tough to look at it as anything but that.
“The world doesn’t owe me anything.”
P.S. Grab tickets to my show for Breaking Sound LA at Adults Only Bar on January 17th here: https://www.tixr.com/groups/breakingsoundla/events/breaking-sound-la-at-adults-only-01-17-57376
For this performance we have a special concept that involves a mini choir with Maddy Dimayuga, Alyssa Aguilos & Magdalena. ALSO I’m bringing the homies WEST. (Of VineTree), Kaitlyn Fae Fajilan , jly & Fran to perform with me as well! Magnum C. Nadal is doing LIVE instrumentation on the keys! DJ JutsMusic on the 1's and 2's. Doing some new music in the set too!