HB2U (Happy Birthday to You), The House is Burning
It’s a genuine fight to stay alive and authentic.
Turning 29 this year, I still feel misplaced. Nothing seems real. This time last year feeling conflicted about the death of my grandfather, I was in Monterey for work performing and hanging out with friends. We had dinner being loud and obnoxious singing “Papi’s Home” by Drake in the middle of Alvarado Street in Downtown. Next morning, I’m frantically trying to find a flight back home because my grandmother died. Realizing there ain’t shit I can do, I ended up finishing the trip to complete my scheduled performances.
My dad yesterday, told me about getting a shot to prevent his cancer from coming back. Admittedly that triggered the hell out of me. Summer of 2012, I lost 6 people including an older cousin. While all this was going on my father came to me and said he had colon cancer. It felt like I was losing everything.
This past year up to this moment feels like I’m losing so much unrelated to the business end of things. I’m scared. Turning a year older means I get closer to inevitables. All inevitable events come with both good and bad. However, I do think about death a lot. It’s been around me since 4 years old when I lost my uncle. This recent trip to Santa Cruz/Monterey, my friend lost her grandfather. There was a domestic violence situation during this trip a friend was in and the thought of “yo I can lose my life attempting to resolve this. My friend could lose her life.” There are details of the situation I don’t want to disclose, but the point is I was scared. I couldn’t let that show, because I had to be grounded for my loved ones.
Photo by Secret Spot DTLA
Someone recently, had the nerve to tell me I was romanticizing disappearing earlier this year as if I really want to leave. There are days and weeks things get unbearable. There are sincerely times I do want to give up or at least I think about it. No one knows how huge the war is I wage against myself. On top of that I don’t know what lies outside my house. My safe zone. A couple weeks ago I got reminded you can’t trust everyone. No matter how much you open up.
One thing I can definitely say at least I am a lot more protective of myself and have a clear sense of morals, values and self-respect navigating about. What I’m discovering is further developing a sense of self-respect that darker side of myself grows in a weird healthy way. It’s a point of not being walked all over, and handling situations accordingly. For example, last month I shot a music video brought out a small glimpse of myself of how I used to be in the past: hot-headed, angry, anxiety-driven, reactive, violent etc. I felt horrible for a couple days after shooting. However, being thrust into several situations the past month where I have felt extremely upset, disappointed and angry I am doing better responding oppose to reacting. If I’m feeling hot-headed, I walk away. Get far away from whatever is going on.
Trailer to the new music video, "Warning (BushWick BiLLy's Theme)
It always comes a shock to people that this used to be me. I just know that part of myself is resting with one eye open.
Everyone has a berserker button. It be wise not to go searching for that button too.
There must be a balance of both light and dark within’ all of us. It always feel weird when someone tells me “I’m full of light.” Just like when people tell me I’m like a hero to them. My friend, Sierra who I barely know one day randomly said mid-conversation that I am full of light. It threw me off. At times it makes feel like I’m being a little inauthentic. My personal mission is to be the most brutally honest artist I can be. Meaning there are parts of me you are going to hate. There are parts of me you are going to love, and there are parts of me you are going to feel indifferent about. That’s fine. I’m okay with that. The thing is I’m not looking to be everyone’s best friend. I’m well aware I made enemies this past year and that’s cool. As long as no lines are being cross and everyone can be respectful, everything is okay.
Recently I been asking myself, What Would God Do? My pastor called me the other day. I asked him what God says about anger. I felt so conflicted because the answer I gotten isn’t where I’m at right now. Hurt people, hurt people.
When I’m hurt not only that craving to hurt or cause destruction is there, but I isolate.
This negative view of what anger is perceived to be leaves me feeling I’m not human. That’s all I ever wanted to be treated as, a human being. Not the plug for opportunities. Not a punching bag. Not someone people can trauma dump on. Not a ghost.
Performing Unreleased Music at Mic Drop in Santa Cruz
My friend Chai, told me yesterday, "...know you don’t have to be alone.” I hate being alone, it spikes my anxiety, but I feel more safe.
Instead of being on this journey to find placement in this world, what seems to be a never ending quest.
I remember all those open mic nights in college and beyond (til this very day) I attend by myself with little to no support. I think about this more and more with the homie KeiRock’s Rock The Mic open mic event and my feature performance in Santa Cruz. Both of those places as of recent, I felt genuine love. A few Monterey friends told me they always going to support and follow me. At KeiRock’s mic it was an intimate event. The space ensured a sense of understanding, love, laughs and support. Things I feel that’s been missing majority of my journey.
I don’t know if its a case of me not allowing myself to feel these array of emotions, misunderstanding how people lend support or just being around a bunch of people that don’t give a fuck. All of which can be true at the same time.
I want people to hear me and confirm to me that I am indeed a human being. I know I am one, but I feel the world just doesn’t know yet.
I deserve life.
Happy Birthday, Chris.