Updated: Jan 19
Trigger Warning: S.I.
I sat on the bus this morning on my way to work crying my eyes out.
The word is duality.
Photo by Devin Huynh
Last night as I attempted to kill my ego onstage it resurrected and deeply scarred me. This hero complex I wrestle with often causes imposter syndrome. That spirals into the belief that I am an horrible person. Doing the right thing while honoring and respecting yourself. Funny enough, after the show I explained the concept of the show I had for breaking sound, turned around and did the exact thing I attempted to kill. Hypocrite.
You can have everything and be depressed as fuck.
You can have all the love in the world and not feel right with life.
You can be extremely successful in your respective career and goals and feel empty on the inside.
Working on self is essential. I know I talk a big talk about emotional intelligence, and working on self. I don't do it as much as I should nowadays. I must set a better example to my students. I now teach at Los Angeles High School, and I have over 110 students who have obtained a deep interest in poetry and artistic expression. I got to get better in-tune, not only for me but everyone around me. Crazy how I just said that, when the reality is I need to get myself better for me.
There’s a song from one of my favorite artists, Ab-Soul, called DO BETTER. The artwork cover is an image of him jumping off a building. Recently, I been looking at the image and see myself.
AB-SOUL - DO BETTER:
A song I did last night called SPIRAL is inspired by that song, as I took the same sample, flipped it and given the imagery of what my mind looks like when I spiral.
Yesterday, I made a Tik Tok about how I have these uplifting/empowering sticky notes from past students I taught in the prison system, homeless youth, cast members from plays I directed and to be honest I don’t look at them as much as I should. I think it’s because those nice things I don’t truly believe deep down inside.
I always hated when people called me an Hero. Not dislike, hated. There’s a line from another one of my favorite rappers, WESTSIDE BOOGIE, he said,
“I think that its sad that you see me heroic, because that means the enemy always approaching.”
Last November, my older sister seen me as her hero. A friend I haven’t been able to keep up with has seen me as his hero for years. He’s been going through a tough time. I put pressure on myself thinking I’m not enough for an old relationship constantly and that put a strain on the connection/relationship. At the very beginning of the year, my father gave me the talk about being the man of the house again if something happens to him. Asking if I know how to give CPR. Taking care of my mother and sister. My mom is talking about retirement.
Every time I leave my house I have an immense sense of guilt. I know my dad isn’t doing the best. My mom is tired. My sister is tired. I’m hitting the road again missing birthdays. Not answering phone calls, texts and direct messages upon social media. Forgetting to call people back. I’m repressing my emotions more often. The grudges I hold get more intense even long after the situation transpired.
At the same time, I’m tired. I’m extremely exhausted, but I got 4 jobs to do. The 4th one being my career, and I also take care of myself. I am horrible at taking care of me and my needs. I have a tendecy to outsource a lot. Whether that be through working a ton, another person, my past with drug addiction etc. This thing of outsourcing causes me to not speak on my grievances. Refusal to release. My immaturity shows. I contradict myself often. That’s another thing I don’t like it when people call me mature. I still have a lot to learn. Due to my ignorance and just straight up poor decisions results in my immaturity. People get hurt turn around then I wonder why they feel hurt. That’s not right.
I said to the crowd last night, “loving yourself is complicated, but we do it anyway.”
It's hard to hold yourself accountable, but that's part of the love you have to give to yourself. It's a must. It's going to hurt.
Photo by Devin Huynh
I really need to stand on my words. It easy to story-tell with events that happened in the past. When it comes to speaking present tense that’s another page of the story. I guess it’s just manifesting and believing it’ll come to fruition is the struggle of it.
I can only control myself. The world around me got me questioning everything, and that’s first step to losing yourself.
I have this projection where I feel people are losing me, but what’s really going on is I’m just losing myself.
Major love to everyone that came out in support of me, the fire choir, Jut, Magnum, WEST., jly, Kalityn Fae and Fran last night. I greatly appreciate it. More than you know. I just stay in a constant reflective state. It might be out of fear. I don't know.