Dreaming With Trauma/ Paranoid Liner Notes
Updated: Jul 5, 2022
Liner Notes for “Dreaming With Trauma (Chris Siders’ Theme)”
Dreaming With Trauma Visualizer snippet
I written this song March 2021. As soon as I made the beat for it I knew it was going to be the intro to the album. Dreaming With Trauma serves as an internal look into how my trauma hold me back from accomplishing my goals. I put “Chris Siders’ Theme” to show this is just naturally how I am as a person. I stay in reflection mode 24/7. It’s not something I can’t just shut off. I’ll be out somewhere with friends having a great time and my mind would be elsewhere. More recently I been having issues with dissociation. I struggle with sleeping, and getting rest. I am a restless individual. Past few years, even now, I been a space of not trusting anyone 100 percent. I also touch on my past dealing with homelessness, racism, being dead broke, bouts with religion, my sexuality etc. Every track that has a “theme” on this album serves as an entirely different side of myself. Some come out often. Others not so often.
On the production side of things, I was thinking of Kanye West’s Good Morning off his third album, Graduation. I took the same structure using a percussion, a heavy 808 and the Long Red - Mountain shouting vox sample Kanye use for “Barry Bonds.” I know starting off an rap album with being extremely vulnerable and lyrical is a risky move, but I’m confident it’ll connect. It already has.
Song mixed and mastered by the goat @n.rigby1
Liner Notes on Paranoid feat. Mykhail
Paranoid Visualizer snippet
This is one of the heavier songs on the album subject wise. I struggle with a belief that people are out to get me often. Having an entire project centered around time-traveling trauma and digging up the roots I had to touch on my paranoia. 2019 I was diagnosed with a severe case of anxiety and PTSD. Now I'm getting a diagnosis on OCD. My paranoia brings out my quiet side more often than the aggressive side. First verse is aggressive. Second is somber. Second verse is a true story about sexual assault I think about often.
While homeless in 2017, I was approached by someone that stuck by me during my times of self-harm ideation years prior. They confide in me about someone harming them. Having a close relationship with both individuals this really destroyed me on the inside. I was so upset to the point I was talking reckless and wanted to inflict violence on the person that harmed her. I was told that I can do anything I want with the information that was given. The factors that entered my mind was that I don’t want to put them in danger by going to police or going to other people so I held it in. I cut off the person that hurt her.
At the same time, I was under pressure with life being unable to put food in my mouth. Sleeping in public places during the day and a garage at night. Over the years I felt a lot of guilt because as an activist we always talk about speaking up when someone’s in danger. Being in the middle of a situation where it can potentially get worse by making the wrong move can mess with your head. No the name I used in the song is not her real name. I had to let this out.
As for the skit, that is a true story returning home after a music session in Inglewood during the recording of an old album with my old music group Shadows Of Society called "God Is Black, I Am Too." The cops literally pulled us over and asked what we doing in the neighborhood and if we had cocaine in our Jack In The box bags. After getting pressed for an hour or so they let us go.
This song was originally intended for another album I am working on. That album is going to be my Magnus opus and won’t come until way later down the line. I have the title and concept. The sound I have in mind is something i’m super excited for. I actually said the album title on this album. I recorded this song December 2020 at Jon-E Rellis studio in Long Beach. He recently re-located to DTLA/Hollywood area. Hit him up for rates here's his instagram handle @j1jone11! Support black owned businesses.
On the production side of things I thought about The Neptunes because my mentor DJ Chuck tHe oLd SouL of Honor Flow Productions, always said my sound goes into that territory. I sampled someone beatboxing and layered the rhythm with a kick drum and clap. Added 808s for the verse then replaced the 808’s with a bass-line for the chorus using Clipse “Grindin’” type drums. The eerie synth chord progression accompanied by me whispering “everybody watching”, and having Mykhail's haunting vocals paints the perfect picture of what goes on in my head.