I realized I can’t cry at home.
Resting several days for me looks like me screaming silently into a void and throwing fits of rage at my bedroom ceiling. I don’t want to cause a ruckus with my mother, my sister in the next room.
Some people are upset with my lack of rest in recent months. In the state of mind I’m in now if I didn’t catch my emotions I would quickly resent everyone thats rooting for me to rest. It hurts.
Some days I feel motivated to take on the world. Some days I feel trapped. Some days I feel guilty. It’s a strange cycle.
Yesterday, I felt like a straight up loser. Someone I sincerely love feels hurt, due to limitations I placed on myself in my healing process.
Arianna Basco asked me whats something my brain tells me on my worst days. I said: “Me Against The World.” I feel I’m finally exiting that chapter. Now in a different one: torn. Grief, Love & Music. Unconsciously allowing my insecurities break down others.
Not recognizing how deep the damage is, I have no issue taking ownership, but not taking the action steps to recover is what messes everything up. I want to love so badly that it comes at the cost of hurting. She said she loves me. I care, but don’t show it correctly and complain when there’s nothing wrong. I become fixated on being perfect. This has been a past issue in other settings outside the romantic realm of things.
On a number of occasions, expressing they aren’t responsible for my emotions and turn around contradicting myself is a problem. Then holding myself back because I know how stressful it be hearing about how hurt someone is.
A producer I been working closely with on my next album said, he’s proud of me for existing. Someone else told me “You've worked too damn hard to become the man you are today to let people from your past guilt you about it. Leave them in the past where you should be and enjoy the fruits of your labor. Stay hungry my guy. You motivate me to keep grinding.”
A staple in a community i’m apart of literally told me “fuck you, for getting in your own way. Get out of your own way! You have a gift and you’re being selfish.”
A fan from Nevada told me I am one of the best experiences she had in her life, watching me perform. Fans from Oregon are still hitting me up randomly check on me.
Some of these things are admittedly hard to receive. It almost down right unbelievable. I feel I can’t do anything right. A woman threatened my life to take me to jail, claiming she knew where I live, saying my mom raised "a bitch" etc. made me feel I was back in a space where I was falsely accused in college. The anger I felt that I was under constant imminent danger because I wanted to make things right.
Someone tried to make amends recently and I feel I didn’t make the right decision on bridging that gap. I truly want to bridge everything with everyone. It's a lack of trust in self. Lost in my anger. I had a whole mental and emotional breakdown at Tuesday Night Cafe in the back parking lot as the show was going. My best friend, Megan, asked me “does anything feel real?”
That moment nothing felt real. Now I come to realize nothing feels real if I’m constantly questioning the validity of people around me. The people that clearly love me. I am literally creating a world thats too dangerous for me to operate in. I’m scared. I’m truly scared. It has nothing to do with these people and everything that has to do with me. The mind is more powerful than what a person thinks.
My hatred, my hurt for situations beyond my control spirals and causes projections. Unresolved grief negatively impact people around me. This in combination with a deep seeded fear of hurting others has a potential for chaos.
There’s a line from an JAY-Z song called “Kill Jay-Z” where he says
“Fuck wrong with everybody?" is what you sayin'/but if everybody's crazy, you're the one that's insane.”
Another one of my close friends yesterday, whom I consider a brother said, "Man it just seems shit just always just be happening to you. What is going on?" After awhile you have to question what are you doing that lands you the position you in. The perception I carry that people and the world around me is so twisted on a number of occasions I have acknowledged how twisted my mind is and has made things worse.
I told a friend of mine every last grievance, every last annoyance, ounce shit that irked my bones this past year resulting in such an angry state. She said: “Anger is the part of you that love you the most.”
It’s the part of self that wants to be seen, heard and hugged tight. In return to see, hear and hug others.
I’ve always felt uncomfortable with anger. Then again, who truly feels comfortable with an emotion that has power to destroy and fly off the handle if untamed?
Isolation is comforting because at the very least I know that no one would get hurt by me.
If I can’t cry at home, scared to show emotion around others, where do I go? I’m unsure what to do. I’ve always said that first step for myself honestly is the easiest step. It's the 2nd and 3rd, because now developing an action plan. Action plans don’t come easy. The path to creating something truly sustainable is not easy. Words only do so much. Action is everything and I'm not doing everything I need on a personal level to flourish.
“What does a happy version of you look like? Create a micro-joys list.”
I always hated the “happy” question, because I never know how to respond to it. It’s like asking what makes me feel whole and I don’t know.
I’m determined to figure out the puzzle. Ask every question, but after its put together, what i’m going to do with it? Put it on display? Is it possible to memorize every piece of it if things fall apart once more? I can only explain how I got there, I can’t really show it.
Business wise everything is great. Come this time next year everything will definitely change.
On a personal tip, what the actual fuck am I doing? I’m not enjoying life. I haven’t enjoyed any victories that came my way. Theres so much to celebrate thats in public light and not in public light. A great one is my older sister got a residency event on a rooftop in DTLA after her event being shut down for months due to circumstances beyond her control. That's huge. I am proud of her. Reflecting back, I'm sad that I wasn't there to celebrate. I and you guessed it, had a performance to do.
An old friend told me to go disappear because she doesn’t know who I am nowadays. My manager told he sees the changes and he’s only been managing me since last November/December.
I feel conflicted and unsure what’s becoming of me.