Daydream In Blue (Acoustic), I Monster
“Don’t operate from a lack of supply.”
Maneuvering about my world, the fear of losing out or fear of something not being the same as it was—challenging change has become a hinderance. I notice I preach about ideas of forward thinking, but have the biggest difficult applying ideas because I come from a space of lost. “If I don’t do X, Y, Z I will lose this thing and won’t be able to recover from it, or obtain something better.”
Its a mindset that’ll keep you stuck.
Everyone knows, in this music business you have constantly move. 80 percent of the time I can tell you I don’t plan majority of the shit that comes about and my manager too so don’t come for him.
Prime examples: majority these albums (and remix projects) that came out this year and soon to be coming out are all out of circumstances. To be successful you have to move with whatever is happening. My latest EP, “Unapologetically, Chris Siders” I was just planning to release 2AM In Zurich, but then we said what if we made it a two pack project? Then I got ideas for an EP about my experience in Zurich and made a lot more songs, but I didn’t want to over complicate it at the same-time still tie into the Chris Siders lore or storyline as all my albums are related and connected to each other like comic books.
The universe just works in ways I can create a cohesive story-line with the albums and remain true to my message so it works out.
Met a man at an open mic called Sunday Jump, earlier this month whom lost his wife to suicide. That hurt my soul. I cannot imagine the depth of longing and pain this man shared with everyone that day. Still gives my chill thinking about that story shared.
I written a song last December thats going to be on my next project. The song is called “a farewell to beautiful.” In the chorus I written “another sign, another sign/save me from myself, save me from myself/“ How many times does one have to be in a situation in order to understand the level of potential emotional or mental damage that can be inflicted?
Performing "a farewell to beautiful" with Cameron Love, Kyle P Davis & Andres Marquez.
October 25th, 2023.
Me and my manager has been talking about the importance how I move and the energy around me. One can’t expect to get to a new level without navigating life and interactions differently. The challenge of getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. I gotten so uncomfortable with how life is now knowing how different life is going to be next year that I internally freak out nowadays often. That attracts unwanted energy and attention. That gives people access of “hey I see you’re uncomfortable let me stick around walk you through this difficult time with you, so you can hold my hand to the next level. Don’t forget me.” Now there’s a mark next to your name to keep score.
People sniff out vulnerability. I get clowned on a lot due to my paranoia issues, but it’s real. Just a couple weeks ago I was chased through east Hollywood in Thai Town by a man in a hood screaming he was going to kill me and that turned into a fight between me and him with a close friend by my side. He later stopped and was like “you stole my phone!” Wild. Truly wild. Can’t make this up.
Reviewing these situations this past year I have given too much access of myself to others for the sake of support. For example, someone I dated in the past asked about making music together, they don’t sing like that as a main career focus, but in the midst of breaking up there was an clear attachment problem to what I have going. I got love bombed severely trying to create distance. Saying things that was never said before, crying and etc.
Photo By Edward Isais. Modeling with Megan.
Now recently reconnecting with someone from my past, they want certain access to my resources attempting to bypass the friendship first. Like there’s-no way you can say “I miss you as a person” and in the same sentence be like: “I miss you as a creative partner. We would knock out x amount of songs in a day. I will drop everything just go on tour with you.” When they have recently slowed down because their confidence in music isn’t there. I cannot and will not be a personal battery pack for everyone. I can motivate by leading by example, and continuing to stay authentic. It’s damn near impossible to be there all the time.
Someone randomly pulled up on me in my neighborhood a couple days ago while going on a walk where I deliberately spend time with myself to not think, asking me to help them with they career. Getting upset that I won’t answer my phone or reply to text messages.
Reminds me of my days in Monterey County. It didn’t matter where I was at, at any given time people would come up to me and be like “you’re the spoken word guy, Chris right? I seen you at insert performance here” asking for an autograph. Asking for a picture. That put a target on my back. People set expectations on what they think I should be and act like.
When reaching a new status or place in career everything looks weird. Everything looks strange and I think thats what close friends and strangers was referring to earlier this year when they was telling me to protect my heart. The idea of being touchable. Wanting to be a man to touch hearts with my story I’ve allowed myself to become someone you can have access to easily. I can no longer do that.
Photo by Yung Rayo in Zurich, Switzerland.
Another example, I cut off a long time friend a month ago. The directions life are taking us in is clear. As I have the biggest trust issues with people on the planet I am working to reconcile, always. Not perfect at it. I hate holding onto unresolved problems. However, their energy is different holding onto to certain things. I must place myself in a position that honors the path I’ve chosen and God put me on or else we’ll constantly crash and I’ll ultimately won’t get anywhere with the growth I desire to see and need to achieve.
It drives me absolute insane to see how I been used. It’s heartbreaking. Going back to the song “a farewell to beautiful” i see the toxicity but I’m not doing anything to actively pull myself out of that space. Why is that? My friend Viasley tell me all the time, “your anger is a way of telling yourself that you love yourself and you deserve better.”
I’m the most calm I’ve been all year I been angry as hell to see what has come about and disappointed. I spoke to an OG of mine, and he told me maybe you don’t want to break these people’s hearts. Distancing myself from people, I see myself in that hurt. Extremely difficult to carry out such an act.
I feel getting rid of such anger you possibly have to face it head on and confront it instead acknowledge it on your own. How long do I hold my tongue for the sake of peace?
I don’t know. I’m still understanding it or maybe healing is really just an extreme zig-zag. I had moments after I release my first project this year that I’m great and ready to take on everything. About several weeks after, things shifted without trying to manifest, that is a fear of mine. I know how angry I can get, so snapping on someone is not ideal for me, but my homie Uraeus told me “you got to grant yourself that feeling. Feeling it now and apologize right after or later.” I hold onto shit because of I have a fear of losing people. No one truly knows how much I lost.
With these recent happenings, theres a new fear of losing myself, because unknowingly, non-purposefully inviting harmful energy to my world.
Just the other night gearing up to record a collaborative project, there was a situation where a friend was in potential danger and I may had to go toe to toe with an trained mma fighter due to a situation. This guy was her roommate. I stayed at her house because we didn’t know if this guy would come home early from work and start some havoc. Stayed up til 5am, got two hours of sleep because he got home around 7:30. We didn’t end up fighting. The hours leading up to him getting to the house he was calling my friend getting on the phone with her and gaslighting her. It was intense, and heartbreaking to hear the things that was said.
Something about prideful Los Angeles natives, we don’t care how much bigger, faster, stronger or more powerful than our enemy is we’ll die defending what we feel is right. When I was younger (just 4-5 years ago) fear took the steering wheel for a lot of situations. There was jam a friend of mine was in with their ex-partner and left their camera at they place. The neighborhood was dangerous. The partner was dealing with someone else and in a gang if I recall correctly. My friend and a mutual of ours was about to roll up and get the camera, during the time Los Angeles (SoCal in general) was hot. Meaning a lot of violence, lives were taken. We was just coming out of the 100 days & 100 nights incident where gangs declared war on anyone that cross they path. I declined to go and talked my friends out of the situation. This was 2016 or 2018 I believe.
Amidst this recent incident, on the outside I had to stay strong for my friend. The inside i’m freaking out, because I’m just wondering when in the hell did my life get so damn chaotic? Hours after the guy got his stuff and I got home, my stomach was turning. I was unable to celebrate a friend’s birthday. I was bedridden.
New Interview with New Jersey's We Outside After Work Podcast.
I’m starting to believe something is attached or following me. I was very calm coming home from Zurich, unsure what I invited into my world in LA.
Is it being on the go? Is it me slowing down and finally seeing things for how they truly are? A close friend revealed to me recently things seem to always feel “dark and heavy” around me. I don’t try to be. I don’t want to be. Am I too open with the skeletons in my closet? Do I know too much or reveal too much?
I know people personally that kill, steal, slang, use, commit all types of crimes to see the next hour or the next day. I can’t be that. Can’t fall into that. I'm not trying say I'm better than them or anything like that, I just don't have the heart to turn to that if that's the very last option; then again everyone is capable if pushed to certain limit or space.
Thinking about my days and ending them with a comment one of my friends and frequent collaborator told me: “it’s great to see you doing your thing, reaching new heights constantly it makes everyone feel anything is possible. Keep going.”
Thats the everyday battle within’. I feel I been quiet physically, but my spirit has been quite loud to cause concern amongst friends. As I sat with my mother figuring out Thanksgiving, she broke down saying she can't do this with Dad not being here. With the day getting closer I feel myself getting more and more irritatable and itching to explode.
Please understand I’m figuring it out and it’s crunch time. I seen many dreams die. Mine is definitely not next to die. Not going to happen.
Everyone out here is hungry and the clock is ticking.