“People need to be people again.”
I been a bit of an hermit the past month getting myself together for several reasons. One of which is questioning my position in peoples lives.
A lot of artists don’t realize once you decide to enter this industry you literally forfeit every part of yourself. Agree or disagree that’s just what it is. You forfeit your story to the world. You forfeit perception. You forfeit control, time, interests, identity etc. the business becomes you. You are the business. How you present yourself when you walk out the door, because people recognize you. How you present yourself on social media, hell even how I present myself in these blog posts. What I can tell you these blog posts will forever give you the most bare raw version of myself. As I write all this out, it’s just conversing with myself. A form of meditation.
Meditation just like damn near everything else in life is a luxury. It's a privilege. People like me running around getting so much work done while giving embrace the idea of meditation like a hopeless romantic would idealize or embrace the idea of love, but it just doesn’t work out that way. Figuring out how to navigate.
Lately I been insecure about my status in my friends and loved ones lives. The distance is getting to me a bit. For example, one of my best friends, I had an perception that she didn’t really care about me anymore. Jumping to conclusions, I built up a wall until I told myself I need to at least bare minimum express my perception from the position i’m standing at. Funny thing is, the same I was feeling about her, was the same way she was feeling about me. Everyone could’ve handled things differently. Speaking for myself, with my anxiety I get ready to turn someone into an enemy I noticed. It's a sense of instability and lack of being grounded. Because I haven’t seen 90 percent of my love ones this past month. I perceive current lack of support as an overall dismissal of my being. It could be true, it could not be true, but the question is why do I put so much weight on this?
As I write this out, what I realized it maybe stemming from a place of past hurt from my recent partner (because when I do not have women problems.) Despite me flying, half-way across the globe to see her (and to perform as well, and reconnect with community) my partner broke up with me for an unknown reason. Morning after she broke up with me, and I was still living in her house she left for two days. Didn’t say a word. Asked her roommate what was going on with her, he texts her and I get hit back with an hostile text message. I felt unsafe and found another place to rest for the remainder of my trip. Proceeded to claim I “flipped out” during an argument to other people weaponizing my trauma.
Making this connection to my issues back home in Los Angeles, I perceive distance as someone plotting & scheming with bad intent on my character or refusal to bring forth potential problems in our friendships.
I have always hated and its becoming the biggest pet peeve of mine when individuals choose to fester issues they have with me and make an assumption that I’m going to flip out because I’m in a bad place emotionally or mentally. At that point what that is telling me is you don’t fully trust me as an adult to control my emotions. Despite countless actions proving I have an handle. Part of me feels it maybe rooted in racism. My ex for example, when having conversations on how to navigate conflict, I said I am the type to just talk to you. I am not going to raise my voice, yell none of that. She expressed that she is the type to do such, and became nervous of that. Resolving our first conflict in person was indeed tense, but it proved we could navigate it. I stayed calm. On the other hand I see that she had trouble keeping her emotions in check. However, somehow, I am painted a villain in this scenario. Black men has historically been falsely accused of things they never done to people in America, but maybe in this case around the world too.
Understanding the background and the context of privilege of where she comes from, discussing where our food comes from and me being judged for not knowing where it comes from. The American education system that constantly fails black students and giving tools on how to live a healthy life, proves to me I am forever going to be a nigga no matter where I go on the planet. So how it is in Switzerland (based off my ex’s experience) in high school you get setup with an apprenticeship, so once you leave you’ll be set with a job where you can move up the latter. In America, if you don’t have a plan graduating high school you’re basically fucked. You aren’t handed anything. Apprenticeships are on a “who you know” basis. Aside from that, we all pushed towards college even if we don’t know what we want to do. That leads to many in debt with no direction.
I kick myself at times. My ignorance of thinking someone on the other-side of the planet of a different race/ethnicity could have similar experiences. We certainly had a ton in common with grief. However, black grief is different from how the rest of the world experiences grief.
A couple nights ago, I linked up with my friend Gary & Arif to do a show in the San Fernando Valley. I haven’t seen Arif since 5th grade elementary school. Arif was on the keys, Gary was doing drums. At the end of the show, we outside talking and Arif asked me about my necklace pendant. I told him my Dad’s ashes are in it and that he passed away last year. Arif told me his moms passed away in 2017. That seriously hurt my heart. I am getting teary eyed now just thinking about it. Since that conversation I been thinking about this song from Killer Mike called “Motherless”
In the song he talks about grieving his mother and grandmother. I been thinking about the matriarch of my family. That’s all thats left. My mom, my grandmother, my aunties, my sister. Everyone is getting old. I’m out here hustling my ass off getting the music off the ground and I get scared I’m losing sight of my family. The scariest thing about touring is never truly knowing whats going on at home. At the time of my father’s passing I was supposed to be in Portland. Image if I went? The damage that could’ve been inflicted on my family with not being present? I still deal with the guilt of not being as present in my brother’s life whom passed March 14th and my cousin who passed the 9th.
Moms recently told me she loves musicals. That explains why I grew up a theatre kid. With that being said, I wonder if I should invite her to the musical I written. As it’s an extremely touchy subject matter (and I’m having someone play her as her lol) My play Silhouettes Of Scarlet, is all about the hauntings of grief. Hearing voices that aren’t there. Feeling the presence of a loss one in any capacity. I am admittedly afraid that such a project will trigger her. To see how your son is hurting deeply in art form. Same reason why I don’t show my family my music. I never been around people I can just talk about what’s on my heart. Honestly I do censor myself. I said exactly whats swirls around my head 24/7 I would have no friends. The anger is still raging. Of course, the world isn’t ready to see a black man cry.
More information on Silhouettes Of Scarlet can be found here.
Whats wild I question how often are fellow black men ready to see other black men cry? I spoke to a friend recently about how his experience with abusive relationships with women. Its only been recent, I started to become more vocal with my experience, but hearing another black men said he endured abuse from his female identifying partner hit me hard. I held this belief things just happen to me because I’m a fuck up, or I give too much, give off an idea anyone can walk over. While I didn’t see my friend cry, it got emotional and I wasn’t even ready for that.
My best friend I reconnected with she said she wasn’t ready to see me endure this dark path I was on last year when we was drifting apart a little.
Am I really ready for myself? Shows, music, friends, family, dreams of being a father, dreams of my mother meeting my kids and partner. I cry sometimes thinking about how my Dad will never get to meet his grandkids. A lot of people may not understand my sense of urgency when it comes to navigating my life and my business, but at bare minimum if you truly rock with me, feel it. Feel it to the fullest form. What I mean by that, don’t question it and support it.
With all this going on will I ever get to be a person again? If so, when? I have days yearning for my Dad, now I’m yearning for my mom and friends that are still here.
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